Chapter thirty six
Zara
I've been gone for two weeks.
Today, a day that's supposed to be filled with joy, loved ones and fun turned into a sorrowful one, full of anger, remorse, self-loathing thoughts, and unhealthy amounts of alcohol in my veins.
I don't remember when was the last time I didn't consume any, probably when I arrived. I haven't spent all of my stay here drunk but I always end up the night with a glass of wine, which turns into a full bottle after a few minutes.
Last night I spent it puking, kneeling in front of the toilet so I could empty my stomach, and then I felt like passing out, not because I was drunk but because I had nothing else in my guts to keep me awake.
I ended up eating some fruits and it picked me up but I still felt like shit, and that's how I've spent every other day here.
I wanted a break from everything and everyone when in reality, all I need is a break from myself, that's then the booze comes in handy.
Now I'm up, woken up in a cold sweat and dehydrated from the heat, paranoid and pathetically frightened from my surroundings. I can't seem to find the strength to pick myself up and get up from the bed.
I feel like there's someone next to me, but I can't move my eyes away from the ceiling and the crusty ceiling fan being of no help to solve the increasing warmth in my body. Even the roots of my hair are damped in sweat.
I want to rotate my neck, the bed is not moving but the room is spinning so I can't get up. It's like I'm nailed to this teared up mattress and I want to escape but I'm not able to move. I'm frozen.
I spend a few seconds shivering yet feeling smothered and I can't concentrate on a mindset that will bring me peace and that makes me panic. I feel my chest tightening and all of a sudden I'm running out of air, tears rushing to my eyes and the dizzy feeling comes back.
Why am I torturing myself like this? I did this to myself and now I can't calm down.
I feel out of control again while the water droplets run down my face, going to my chin so then they can sink and roll down my neck, the emptiness inside me starts making an appearance and although it feels like there's a void, the pain is demanding to be felt as well, sharp and panging.
I want to bring myself up, at least my arms, my legs, or my head up but I get stuck, I know I can't move and I won't be able to leave this mindset for a while, I can't seem to do anything right lately.
The beating of my own heart is deafening, so loud and selfishly predominating in my body, as I can't concentrate on anything else. The ringing in my ears, the dryness of my tongue, and the soreness of my muscles are joining as well.
I think I'm panicking.
The mere thought of it only worsens my state, I'm stuck and I'm on my own, had I realized this sooner I wouldn't have brought myself here as I'm the only one to blame, I did this to myself.
I wanted out and I achieved it, then why am I feeling like this?
This is the way of the universe of telling me how much of a screw up I actually am, how I don't deserve the things I have nor the people that surround me, I'm selfish and I'm getting punished for it.
Although, the universe should have more important matters than to torture someone that's already self-hating on their own.
I wanted to be on my own and now I am, why the fuck am I complaining? Perhaps my dad is right and I don't deserve what I have, and I whine over the littlest of things, just like the ungrateful daughter I clearly am.
I want to blame him for this but I can't because I know it's my fault, there's no other way around it, this is on me. I wanted to be an adult and here I am, royally screwing up like one but at least there's no one to deal with the aftermath of disaster I leave behind.
Except that there is and they all have been ringing my phone nonstop for days, which makes me mad, why do they even care?
They shouldn't care, I don't even care about myself, why would they?
It all started right after Christmas, in the morning of, to be specific. I woke up crying from a nightmare and Harry had to calm me down and hold me in between his arms to keep me quiet. I was freaking out again but he was there to save me, but it was so embarrassing.
I felt so useless and so immature, the pity looks from his mum and the comforting words from his sister, and they just thought it was a nightmare but it was the beginning of something even worse.
That genuine joy I had from the night before faded away as I realized, hadn't it been for him and his family I would have spent it alone and no one would have cared, which made me realize I'm alone.
I was surrounded by so many people that I know love me, but I managed to feel so alone. Harry was bringing me comfort but I was way too up in my head to feel worthy of it, then I felt guilty for not being able to forgive him just yet.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but I'm having flashbacks from last year, the worst of them and I feel like I'm slowly fading back into my old self. Scared, undeserving, guilty, sad, remorseful.
Why do I feel like this?
It's worse this time, I'm full of rage and anger and I'm letting it out in the only way I know how, harming myself.
Ripping away everything that makes me happy and drowning myself into this mess that's in my head but this time adding alcohol to the equation, I wanted to know what it feels like, what he felt like.
I wanted to be able to understand why Harry did all of what he did last year, the drinking, the partying, and what it brought to him, what made my Harry lie to me like this.
I know I'm letting this affect me more than it should but I can't help it, if I could help it I wouldn't be in a foreign country, panicking in a run-down room on the day of my birthday.
Happy birthday to me, yay!
I want to know the exact moment I became like this because it's all a blur now, it could be the chemicals in the alcohol I've consumed or it could be angsty tightened in my chest, but I'm wondering if this began before I could realize it or even control it.
I had so many chances of doing so much worse to my body in terms of substances but as funny as it sounds, I'm not that stupid or desperate to rely on it.
As far as the company goes, I've spent it on my own, not many people recognize me and I liked it, I was just another stranger trying to mask their problems away by having superficial and plastic fun.
Still, I had too many opportunities to go home with someone else, a stranger, even two people at the same time, both men and women, I didn't even care and I flirted with both. A girl almost ended up kissing me but I backed off and pushed her away.
I didn't want her to kiss me and I didn't want to kiss her, it was insignificant but I've navigated in a remorseful feeling for a whole day, and I haven't been able to face Harry ever since.
All my memory is smeared off, I don't know how I got here and I wasn't even under any influences, just my own head.
I remember grabbing my passport at three am and going to the airport. I even felt reckless and took the tube, I wanted to prove a useless point and I ended up getting followed until the front desk where I bought the first ticket that sounded like a good distraction.
Somehow I ended up in a place where it's a daily thing to snort lines of cocaine, get heroin injections, and pop pills like they are pieces of candy.
I'm not stupid enough to drown myself in that sorrow, the reasonable part of me felt arrogantly superior for not relying on those, yet I've spent thousands of euros in alcohol and going to dance clubs paying overpriced cocktails for strangers.
I wanted to get a reaction from him and guess what I got? Nothing.
It's not like I've given him a proper chance but he simply stopped trying, I think he gave up on me and I don't blame him, I'd do the same too. However, it angers me because he keeps on proving to me how much he lied, he doesn't care.
I think he just likes the idea of me, a wrongful one because there's no appeal. Sometimes I wonder what he saw in me and I don't get it. I'm starting to believe he just got used to being with me and now it's all he has ever known and he's comfortable.
But then, why would he be comfortable with a twenty-two-year-old broken, desperate little girl with separation issues, anxiety, borderline depression, that cries all the time, that doesn't know that the fuck she wants and as if that wasn't enough, he can't properly date her because of a stupid decision she made when she was younger?
I wouldn't date me at all, I've got nothing to offer while he has everything I could ever ask for. He is kind, smart, gentle, and funny. He is one of the best people I know and he provides me with all I need, love, care, attention, safety.
He lies once and my life becomes a mess. He has the power to tumble all of my stability but this is mainly my fault because I thought I was stronger than I really am. He lies once and suddenly I get this irrational fear that he's going to do it again even when I know him and I can see clearly how much he's struggling
That's the thing with anxiety, you can't control what you freak out about or not, you just go crazy over the tiniest of problems. For me, it's worse because I get mad at myself for feeling like this when it's totally out of my reach.
I wanted to be able to let go and I honestly don't fucking care if he lied, I don't care about much right now but I know once I get back home I will have bigger problems than granting him my forgiveness or not.
He must be pissed and maybe that's what I wanted, for someone to just call me out on my bullshit but the reality is I have no one.
I'm alone and everyone seems so exhausted about me, another reason why I left. I feel like a burden, my best friend, my boyfriend, my father, my brother, my childhood friends, even my bloody therapist, everyone's so tired of me. I feel like I'm too much to handle.
My phone hasn't stopped ringing but my thoughts are louder, preventing me from hearing anything else but I'm not in the mood for people right now. Hell, I can't even get up from the bed.
I take a deep breath while looking up at the ceiling, illuminated by the small ridges of sun sneaking through the curtains and I try to ground myself back again. It's probably past noon and I've slept the entire morning.
I arrived here two days before New Year's Eve and it took everyone a while to realize I wasn't even in the UK.
Right after Christmas, I stayed with Harry and his family for two days, I was fine. Everything was flowing nicely, aside from the nightmare, we woke up that morning and we all had a big breakfast together and I felt at peace.
I was still a bit shy and self-conscious, a little overwhelmed with meeting new people but Harry made it easy, as he makes everything easy for me but we spent it avoiding a talk we should have had a long time ago.
I had useless attempts to try and bring it up but he would just come up with excuses to not talk about it, not even the reason why he left for New York, which he didn't need one but he kept on repeating that we would talk about it later.
I didn't complain, we were finally good and I wasn't going to be the one to bring us down to reality, and then it was too late.
One of my main issues is that I don't like to let people down, I had promised my mum I would be back in time for New Years and Harry had to go to his dad's, even a few days before but I had to go back because I was running out of clothes.
Had I known that would be one of the worst decisions I could make, I would have never left Harry's side and I would have kept my comfort, ask him to join me.
As soon as I set foot back in my parent's house, hell broke loose. My mum had gone out with my sisters and I had to face my dad by myself and let's just say, anything he kept from saying to me all of this year, he said it with no filter.
''You're a disappointment Zara''
''How could you do this to your mother?''
''Can't you see that you can't do anything on your own?''
''Look at the mess you caused.''
''You're alone.''
I was so happy right until I got back to their house, but he made me realize that there was a bit of truth in what he had said. I had been thinking it myself and he just confirmed it, I am alone.
So, I got home, avoided him, and went upstairs to grab my bags and take everything with me back to London. I did a four-hour road trip by myself in my car in complete silence. Harry had taken my car earlier so he could fill the tank at the petrol station and made sure I had it all checked out before the ride back to my hometown so I didn't even have to stop in the way.
I spaced out while driving and before I could realize it, I was already parking in the garage of my building back at home. I didn't want to worry Harry so I didn't tell him I had gone back to London.
Knowing him, he would have taken the first flight back and spent New Years' with me, just the two of us but I didn't want to take over his time with his dad, I already had overstayed my welcome at Anne's.
I wanted to call Cassie but she was away with Anna so again I was by myself, slept on my bed that night alone and I woke up from a nightmare again and sprinted off to the airport, took a four-hour flight and I was here.
Everything was booked, even the fancy as fuck suites in every five start pretentious hotel around this area. Somehow I ended up in a mediocre flat downtown that I had seen on the internet, it was an overpriced shoebox for not having an AC system in this goddamn heat.
I was by myself and my New Year's dinner was two bags of flaming hot Cheetos and a bottle of tequila, my date was a Friends marathon of New Year's episodes as well as a few seasonal movies.
I was still in the same timezone as England so when the clock struck midnight, my phone rang and Harry wished me a Happy New Year. He wanted to facetime but I came up with an excuse and he didn't pressure me. As soon as we hung up, I was alone again.
It's been twelve days since that night and I haven't picked a single phone call, from anyone.
I stopped counting after five hundred and twelve, mostly Harry, my mum, and all of the sudden Cassie. Zayn's came shortly after, along with Courtney and Isla's, as I've skipped two weeks of sessions already.
I posted a picture on social media, basically saying how a new year would bring me a good time to reflect on most of my life and everything that went down, all of those sorts of pretentious things that I was on a spiritual journey of self-discovery and all of that bullshit. Basically a fuck off sign and that I was okay, that I needed time.
Phone calls started to drop, and suddenly everyone started to care. I realized how easy it's to disappear, you just have to go to one of these party islands where people just want to have fun and they are drunk or high most of the time. As long as you want to have a good time and you have money, it doesn't matter who you are.
All I had to do was take out the sim card of my phone so it would stop ringing, I would get messages and interactions through other platforms but I wanted to stay away from it.
It started as a time for myself, to reflect on everything, I wasn't actually lying but when I realized I wasn't going to accomplish anything, it just began a drinking spiral, mostly because I couldn't sleep but it numbed the empty feeling inside my chest.
I came to the conclusion I was replacing my ultimate drug with alcohol, Harry.
He makes my life easy and to a point the eases that void, but I can't keep living like this. He didn't deserve this but I didn't deserve him leaving me so he could go to New York, I don't care how irrational I sound.
I have the right to lose my shit and my time has come.
As if it were by some sort of crazy energy, the simple thought of Harry helps me to breathe, and when I'm finally able to move I look to the side, I'm alone.
I don't know how to feel, if it should bring me comfort or if it should contribute to the whole matter of being by myself and shit.
Placing back the chip of my phone last night was a mistake, it's only bringing me headaches but if it wasn't because of it, I wouldn't have woken up. When the ringing stops I bring myself up and I sit down on the edge of the bed coughing away the soreness in my throat.
I look around and everything is a mess. I brought just a carry-on and I've been living by that for two weeks. I had to buy more clothes, as I didn't bring enough with me but nothing that my credit cards couldn't fix.
I stretch my hand to grab my phone but as usual, it's glitching from the number of calls and notifications I've been getting. It's almost noon, earlier than what I had been waking up these past days.
Setting my phone on the do not disturb mode so they decline themselves, I go to the voicemail app and I check it out. Harry has been sending me occasional voicemails so I check them out.
There are a few not important that I just skip and erase so I can get to the one that matters as I go to the bathroom and I can wash my face, all of the sudden his voice pops up and it sends shivers down my spine.
''Hi baby...wanted to say happy birthday and hopefully, I will see you very soon.'' He stops for a moment and there's a bit of rumbling coming from his side. ''Love you...bye.''
As soon as it's over, I have to sit down on the edge of the bathtub so I can replay it again. The tears are quick to make a comeback and all of a sudden they are clouding my vision and preventing me from seeing anything.
His voice is oddly calming, yet it alarms me. He sounds so awfully normal, I don't know if it's a good sign or not. It didn't sound like he was alone but maybe he's working, I know he went back to LA because he had to work but he said he'd be in London for my birthday.
Not that I intend for him to be keeping his word after this, which makes the anxiety of the unknown grow. Out of nowhere I just wasted two weeks and he's leaving for tour again in less than a month.
I'm afraid to see him again, I don't know what his reaction will be and I'm scared of what could happen with us but now it's too late to be wondering about what if, when I already screwed up.
While being a trembling mess, snot, and gushing tears, I fill the bathtub so I can wash off the sweat from last night's sleep but as soon as I get inside the mess in my head seems to fall over again.
I had been chaotically keeping myself from breaking but two weeks of silence is enough.
When you're alone you don't realize when you talk or not, because most of it it's in your head. I've been mumbling melodies to myself but that's as far as my voice has gone, even if I have interacted with a lot of people these past days.
I read Harry's letter from Christmas out loud quite a few times as I'd imagine how he would pronounce certain words and the way his mouth would move to the sound of the words. The little sneaky looks he'd steal if he read it to me out loud and how he'd blush in the middle.
His raspy voice ending the letter with the name ''my love'' as he has called me countless times.
Without being here he has managed to keep me somewhat sane, he brings me comfort without even trying and details as his handwriting, his voice, his green orbs staring back at me from the pictures I have of us on my phone.
He is my safe haven, no doubt, he is my comfort and my peace, but I can't get used to him, even less now.
He doesn't sound mad but he doesn't sound okay, I probably hurt him and as soon as I see him he's gonna yell at me, all the things I've done wrong and I know I deserve but hopefully, he isn't mad enough to neglect me with a comforting hug.
I stop the voicemail and I go to the camera roll, where I have a picture of his letter so I can have it at all times with me and I read it again.
I don't deserve him and all of his nice words, he sees something I can't recognize within myself and that's delusional for me to even think.
Sometimes I stop to think that if I managed to score a guy like Harry, then I must be doing something at least a bit right.
He deserves the world but I don't know if I can give it to him.
As soon as I'm back in London I'll tell him that I forgive him and hopefully, he'll take me back but I guess all I have to do is wait.
I've been gone for fifteen days and I don't have a ticket back home, nor I've seen any flight times to leave but whenever I feel like it, I can pack my bags and go to the airport and try my luck.
As I hear Harry's voicemail again, I'm reminded that it's my birthday. This day doesn't feel like a day to be celebrated at all but this isn't just about me, as it's my twin's brother's birthday as well.
I wonder how he's doing, and he deserves a nice day. Hopefully, he is with his fiancé, maybe mum flew to London as well and he's having a blast. I want to call him and say happy birthday but I don't want to ruin his day.
I gather a lot of courage before I'm pressing his name on the phone and bringing it closer to my ear.
''Hello? Zee, is that you?'' His worried voice is the first thing I notice and I let out a shaky breath before nodding. ''Zee, are you okay?''
''Happy birthday, Zayn.'' I say trying to control my tears and wiping them before they can roll down my cheeks.
''Fucks sake, Zara.'' He lets out a nervous laugh and there's a lot of voices that can be heard from the other side of the line and one of them is Harry.
''I'm sorry.'' I look down and I can hear him releasing a breath.
''What were you thinking?''
''I'm okay, don't w-worry.'' I assure him but now I can hear my mum's voice, asking him questions. ''Tell mum I'm okay.''
''Zara, this isn't like you.'' He says and feels my chest constricting as I can tell the disappointment and worry in his voice.
''I know.''
''Why are you calling now? Are you okay, do you need anything?'' I let out a small laugh so I can trick him into believing I'm fine.
''It's your birthday, I wasn't going to forget it.''
''It's our birthday.'' He corrects me quickly and I sigh.
''Did you get any presents? I'll get you a few once I'm home'' I try to divert the topic from myself but I hear Harry's voice.
''Zayn-''
''Calm down...- Sorry, Zee. I was just...I don't want presents, I want you to come back.'' He pleads and I tighten my eyes at his request.
''Zayn.''
''We know where you are, it's either you coming here by your own means or us getting you there and it won't be nice...please come back so we can spend it together, the rest of the day at least.''
''How do you know?'' I frown and he sighs.
''Doesn't matter, you have a choice so...-'' He is interrupted by Harry's voice again.
''Give me the phone, I just want to talk to her.'' I can immediately piece back the hurt tone lacing his words, he is freaking out.
''Zayn, I can't talk to Harry, not right now.'' I explain but there's a noise of fumbling and a few grunts. ''Tell him I'm okay.''
''Zee, baby, please...come back, it's your birthday, I...-'' I don't give him the chance to finish the sentence as I'm hanging up the phone and before he can call me back, I put it on airplane mode.
''Fuck.''
I slump my back again on the end of the bathtub but this time I raise my knees to my chest, resting my cheek on the side of them as I let the tears fall, staring into nothing before I can close my eyes, and focus on breathing.
I don't have a choice, if they know I'm here I won't be able to hide for long and I honestly don't want them to see me like this. At least I have to pretend I have it all together and they are giving me a chance.
I guess now I have to go back to London.
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I know you probably have questions and I want to be able to answer them all, hopefully you'll get what happened in the next one. Anything you want to ask, feel free
It will be Harry's pov and I'm so excited!
This is probably a shocker but once the book is done I'll edit and divide in part one and part two of the book, this is the beginning of part two
This have changed and they won't be the same...get ready because we are in for a ride
Also this is a mess because Zee's head is a mess, hopefully you're able to see that
I know this is considerably shorter than usual chapters but it's basically the introduction for this part and it's an important one
Anyway, thoughts on the little video? I was excited to post it and hopefully I can do a few more in the future
I'll see you soon, thank you for reading!
Love,
Ju