inside my head

starting over

this weekend was horrible. i should have stayed home but if i did i wouldn't have had  this opportunity. me and Carl got into a really bad fight. i came home covered in bruises and i cant remember how i got most of them. i know my black eye is from a wooden sword compliments of my friend, well call him Maggie, and that it hurts really bad. my shins are from a five year old, and that my hands are from swords and pit bulls.

im getting a new tattoo this week. one to help me remember all of this. I have to get better. I realized after all that stuff that i lost myself because i got scared to be me. everyone around me acted like it was so bad to be the way i am. but why do they get to say whats good or bad when there following the person in front of them blindly like they're god or something.

i used to be so warm and happy and full of laughter. like a little Gothic sunshine. like a black eyed susan. im getting a compass tattooed with a sun flower/ black eyed susan for he back round. i need to remember what i was and to not get lost on my way back to myself.

i always thought i was nothing special just a little weirdo in a world full of people who hated my differences. but now that im gone i miss myself. i was special. to a few people i made a difference.

i fought with my parents. my dad called me a whore and my mom just sat there. I left. i just got in my car told them i was leaving and left. i think im moving out soon. Ill still go to school but i will be free. i shouldn't be so scared to be me. there was nothing wrong with the way i was.

i wore black, i liked dark things. i still do. its just who i am. but i was always laughing and smiling and feeling like inside i was storing sunshine. maybe thats why i feel like im on fire inside all the time.

all my anger and hate. I never used to have that. my sun got twisted. im working back there.

when carl and i were fighting i kept saying he wasnt there for me. true he probably could have done more but i could do more to. hes not my keeper. i am. i always will be.

i have to do things for myself now. no more whining crying unbelievable little kidness. im a warrior inside. a being powered by everything beautiful evil or good. I cant just cry about that anymore.