Finding Love /Jordan Knight FanFic/NKOTB

XV

Jordan

TODAY, I WOKE up feeling off. I couldn't tell you why, but I feel on edge and I don't like it. 

The condo is dark and quiet as I walk into the kitchen. I heat up some eggs and sit down at the large breakfast bar to eat. Caroline's clutch and hat from yesterday are sitting on the other end and as I stare at them, it occurs to me that I like them there. I've always loved living by myself and swore I always would, but I don't mind her things blending with mine. In fact, I don't mind her being here at all. 

Why did I think living with someone would be so bad? Granted, our setup is that we're roommates; I still have my room and she has hers. That gives me space, so maybe that's the difference. We aren't on top of each other one hundred percent of the time—although I wouldn't mind if she were on top of me now and then. 

Shaking my head to clear it, I rinse the bowl, drop it in the sink, and head down the hallway to peek into Caroline's room. She leaves the door cracked, and before I head to the gym, I can't help but watch her sleep. I know that makes me sound like a total creeper, but I need to see her before I leave to remind myself this is reality and I am married. 

Man, do I hate that word. 

Light from the hallway and her window spills in. She's curled up on her side with one leg sticking out from under the covers, and she's hugging a pillow. She looks tiny, sweet, at peace. I hate that she doesn't look like this during the day, and the thought leaves me feeling very protective over her. I still don't really know why. We aren't a real couple, and none of this should matter as much as it does, but that doesn't change how I'm feeling, nor has it stopped new feelings from taking root. 

All week, she stayed in the condo. She wore what girls call yoga clothes, and although she looked a little lost in her head, in her own thoughts, she seemed somewhat relaxed, seemed okay. I got to know her this way, with her messy hair, a smile that got bigger and brighter each day, and a laid-back personality that made us living together effortless, but the second she felt watched at the restaurant, she became someone completely different. All day she felt like mine, and then within two minutes at the end of lunch, she didn't. It's like the air shifted and even though it was warm out, a chill drifted over our table. 

The way she transformed and looked around made me uncomfortable. She became the girl from the rehearsal dinner. She looked poised, elegant, and every bit the high society girl she is, a harsh reminder of how different we are and how not real this will ever be. It's not that I want it to be real—because, let's face it, I don't—but listening to her talk about the photos and people's opinions made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be sitting there with her, which had me questioning myself, and I never question who I am or who I keep company with. 

Minutes pass, and it's as if she somehow senses me, rolling to her back and letting out a small noise. Something in her dreams causes her to smile, and my chest tightens with an unexplainable longing. Yesterday she smiled. She smiled a lot, and not that fake closed-mouth smile she gives people out of polite obligation, but one that feels like maybe it's coming out just for me. I liked it, more than I should. 

A knock on the front door lets me know Jack is ready, so I walk away from her and grab my bag. Jack and I always ride together to the franchise headquarters, the stadium, and training facilities. It keeps us accountable. Plus, this early in the morning we can both tolerate each other fairly well. 

"What's wrong with you this morning?" he asks, glancing over at me in the passenger seat. My bag is on the floor between my feet and one of my legs is bouncing nonstop. 

"Nothing." 

"Liar. Trouble in paradise?" He grins at me and I shoot him a piss off look.