Fazed by Me

IV

Suddenly, memories came flooding back leaving me disorientated, the butterflies in my stomach were restless. I needed to leave. I had to get out of here. My heart started beating rapidly. I felt sick.  Father time had finally sought me out, bringing my deepest insecurities and fears with him. I became unsteady as memories from the past like a stopped motion movie played mercilessly through my head. 

"I'll always be there for you"  It wasn't safe. 

Thump

" Always here for you" I need to leave.

Thump 

"Count on me" He wasn't safe.

Thump 

Not anymore.

Desperately I willed my legs to move forward to continue to where I intended to go. Outside, where it would be safe. Far away from him and everyone, I was trapped. His eyes travelled up my body, freezing my every movement. Peering through me like only he could, unlocking the chains that had taken me years to build and wrap them around myself, wrapped around the parts of myself that I never wanted to see again. That I promised I would never see again, but his eyes. 

Hazel

 Like the sun, golden rays filled me with a warmth that I once knew, reminding me of the person I once was. The good, the bad flickers through my eyes at lightning speed reminding me no matter how hard I tried to forget, the memories would still haunt me. That I would always be at the mercy of the voice in my head. Powerless again I would be powerless. I felt the control slowly but surely slipping away from my grasp. I yearned to get it back to make everything start to make sense. His presence disrupted my word again, just like last time he came into my world with soulful eyes that promised me everything and more, his presence warmed me like a summer breeze. 

"Yo Shawty, why didn't you wait for me back there?" Emmanuel said as he interrupted my mental torture, forgetting about him for a moment I turn back to Emmanuel.

 " Sorry, I'm just in a hurry to go home" 

"Nah, nah I'm good you can leave if ya want. I'm not trying keep you, prisoner. I see you got ya, lil boyfriends out here anyways, you not going introduce me or nun'" Emmanuel said as he draped his arm around me. I instantly cringed, to my dismay he pulled me in closer to his side. His overly doused cologne attacking my nose like never before. looking at the bright side, it did help take the attention off of me for a split second to which I was grateful. 

"Faiza" I whipped my head again to the front door remembering exactly whose voice was trying to get me to turn back. " Faiza," he said as he fully walked in the house finally letting the people behind him enter as well, unfortunately, I recognized one of the men. Dré. Avoiding eye contact I quickly looked away only to be stuck again on hazel eyes. Again. sigh. 

"Faiza you can't even look me in the eye" Dré said bringing the attention back to him once more, my luck seemed to get worse the longer I stayed in this dreaded place. Desperately, I tried to get back outside. Being with Annabelle at this point did not seem as bad as being here with not one but three men that I did not want to share more oxygen with than was required. The longer I stayed the more I feared that this encounter would stick in my mind forcing me to once again seek their attention. seek their company which I didn't need. Not anymore anyway. You didn't need them then you don't need them now. I thought to myself. 

"Faiza" Hazel eyes said again. 

" Look man I don't think shawty tryna talk to you" Emmanuel interjected, which was ignored by everyone.

"It's fine, thank you Emmanuel but I got it covered." Handing him the sweaters I still had in my arms I instructed him to go back to the others. He kindly took my suggestion which both shocked me and relieved me. This was one less person I had to worry about knowing my personal issues.

" I'a catcha ya later, Imma text you" He grinned as walk away.

" You don't have my number how are you going to text me? "

" You need to stop worrying about what I got" He threw the peace sign and left the house, squeezing in between the crowd at the front.

" So that's the type of men you like to hang out with now?" Dré said breaking the tension filled silence. His words cut sharply through the smog of smoke, effectively refocusing my mind at the situation at present. looking him up and down, seeing the way his mouth pursed to the side reminded me that at one point in time he was familiar to me. His eyes searched mine trying to desperately bridge the miles of distance between us. I looked at him and scoffed after a while. Hazel eyes surprisingly stayed silent but moved closer to Dré as if to reassure him that he was still there. Taking a deep breath, I remember that they weren't part of my reality anymore. No matter how hurt they seem, that burden does not fall on my shoulders anymore. 

"I don't understand what more we have to talk about, especially here "  I coolly said to Dré  , though I tried to remain composed the slight rubbing of my left fingers would tell anyone that knew me of my nerves bubbling to the surface.  It must have caught the eyes of Dre as his eyes strayed from mine to my hand. Reminding me once again that I was once familiar to him too.  The though filled me with bile, I willed my hand for once to listen to me. knowing that what next would ensue from the little rubbing would be a full tremor of my hands, I knew my time was now up. The open door leading outside was my only salvation. 

I need to go, now. 

" C'mon Fai, just give us a second, please" I immediately scoffed, remembering where I was once again I turned my head to leave. Dré's partner in crime moved his hand to touch me. I flinched, he regrettably place his arm besides me again, looking at me with concern in his eyes that quickly turned to confusion. Finally deciding to speak again he took a step, which I grateful for. It seemed at he had some semblance of common sense. 

" Faiza, just give us a minute" He pleaded. 

" You don't get to ask anything out of me " I vehemently whispered. It irked me the way they easily got under my skin. I had perfected the act of being unfeeling for so long that having all these emotions  I buried sneaking up again petrified me.

I need to leave, I have to go I thought. 

" Not one word from both of you. Not one. I waited and waited until I got tired. What did all that do for me?" I let out a tired sigh.  The conversation draining me of the little reserve of energy I had. More determined than ever I quickly left the scene with the two baffled men behind me. As I walked through the door I was completely done with everything, I vowed to myself that I would never let anyone else try to control me. I left those feelings years ago and I would be damned if I let anyone or anything ruined the foundation that I built. I kept repeating this mantra as my world silently shook, the slight shivers and goosebumps made me aware of the cold outside. 

Beep, the distinct sound of a horn honking brought me out of my daydream and into the disorganized front lawn filled with drunks laughs, and mistakes something that I was thankful for. 

" Shawty you ain't think I was going to leave you hanging or sum, right?" Emmanuel yelled from the car, I quickly turned around mustering the first real smile I had in a while, glad to see a friendly face among the sea of unnamed faces.

" I thought you left with the others"

" Nah, Annabelle always willin' out when we go out. That ain't for me, I make sure I ride separate" He smirked for some reason the action didn't make him look half bad I noted. 

" Anyways... I just wanted to make sure ya all good, I saw how tense it was in there. If ya need to talk you can hit my line anytime."

" Thanks, but I don't have your number?"

" Whaddya say, don't worry bout it sweetheart, d-'

"Don't worry about it sweat it's that splah" I finished off laughing

" See I knew I liked you. Damn you might just be my perfect woman" In hindsight I should have stopped this conversation from going any further but as always making wrong decisions was in my blood.

......