I write with sincere and cautious words as I understand that this will be read, and there is the possibility of it being found by the boy I shall explain about. But I want to clarify that this is as true as I will put it to be, and there won't be any lies except for names and I might tweak some facts so it won't be led to someone finding out the truth.
To start off, I'm an odd girl who shouldn't even be allowed to like someone. I know that.
I dress up in mostly pink because my family took pride in the fact that I was a girl, and that apparently meant for me to 'look' the part of a girl. Yes, I do clarify myself in that way, but I would rather not deviate from the original topic to start talking about why that pisses me off immensely.
Okay, anyway, I need to get to my first love.
See, I dress up in pink, obsess over fantasy video games and anime, love to read creepy stories, and I sometimes, every now and then, act darkly humorous. It's a habit since I find them funny yet offensive.
I always have to care for the state of others since I cannot help it, yet not for myself because I hate my being, but I'm fine with it as long as I'm alone. Otherwise, I feel insecure.
The reason why is because there's the fact that I never want to mess up in life. I don't want to make a mistake, I don't want to mess up on a word if I'm speaking. I don't want to do anything that could be considered wrong. I hate it when I'm terrible at something and it makes me have this cold, clogging feeling in my chest that could happen even in the hot summer, and this is why I don't want to do anything in front of lots of people because they might see me do something that's not right.
And for this, I have a bit of atelophobia. I am scared of people because I don't want to commit a mistake in front of them, so I tend to stay away as much as I can.
But... There was a boy. Yes, a single boy. He secretly has an inquisitive mannerism and he's a bit cocky with no sense of humor at all.
I hated him with all of my being because I didn't want to feel this way. I actually felt OKAY with myself around him, and I didn't know why. Instead of regular thoughts like of how weird life can be, they had turned into images of him and scenes that could play out of me with him.
I didn't understand the strange way my chest sounded hollow with something thumping wildly inside. Why had my heart been acting like that?
I was afraid because he was making me bold and confident just by being there because I wanted to be better for him... But why?
Why was HE the one to do this to me?
Why did HE have to come along and change the way my life was organized?
I anticipated every single time I could speak to him, yet at the same time, I despised it.
I hate him with all of my mind but love him with all of my heart. It was and... IS a constant battle. My head spins at the thought of having to actually choose sides because I decide with both my soul and being but how can my soul work if my whole being is shattering into PIECES?!
Must I cry to relieve my burning mind of its heavy thoughts about the way I tell myself it'll never happen, even if he was making me courageous enough to actually believe that maybe, just maybe, it was possible? Will the burning tears that fall from my cheeks make me remember how much I am supposed to hate myself more than I hate him as a person?
I shouldn't hate anything because I'm supposed to care, but then HE came along.
I'm so sick and tired of putting a metaphor to the way he came into my life; tangled me in his spider's web as if I'm a fly with jewel eyes; waltzed into my soul with a song of melancholy; graced upon me in devilish darkness with intentions to make me fall.
Fall where? Perhaps to the pits of Hell where I don't even doubt for a second could be possible (just because it's him)?
Look, if I were to describe this feeling of me hating yet loving and all at once just existing for him, it's as if I'm falling into the sky. It doesn't make sense, that much. But love doesn't make very much sense at all, either.
To explain falling into the sky, all of a sudden you're spinning in the air and you have no idea which way you're going, and you don't know which way is up or down. It's confusing. It's as if something is tugging you in several different directions but the only possible thing is to fall and shatter.
For me, there's no longer enough to be shattered, because he's broken me enough just for being there.
I hate the feeling of love.
