Lone [MATURE HS]

Chapter 40

"Nathan's in my room watching movies. He seems to be okay," I let him know. "I'll be in the bathroom, okay?"

"Hmm okay," he nods, going to reach for my bedroom door anyways. I could understand why he'd rather sit with Nathan right now than be downstairs, so I don't question when he sits with his nephew, and just like me, sees the movie playing on the television. But he doesn't watch.

Once sitting in the bathtub, the hot water encasing my body in a sensation that any other past year would have been delightful, yet this time I found myself feeling like it would help me float away from the situation. This just sunk me further into my nothingness, into the blankness of my brain. I groggily tie my hair up as to avoid wetting it, staring at the blue, tiled wall in front of me.

I leaned back against the ceramic tub, staring at the ceiling, where the tile turns to dry wall. The steam soothes my head, eyes watering and once strained, now feeling the soothing heat as I blink. My thoughts wonder, and now almost entranced, I worry about the patterns on the ceiling. The white appearance of it begins to produce moving patterns, aimless, in my head. I daydream about absolutely nothing, just the patterns on the ceiling. Dotted patterns, some fusing into each other and others disappearing, reappearing. Wondering about nothing. Feeling nothing. I shut my eyes.

For a moment, it seems like the world around me is gone. The steam had melted it away. Inside my head, a ticking clock that must've been hanging on the wall becomes louder, more audible now that I'm in absolute silence. Water droplets from the faucet drip into the bath water. I inhale deeply, and with the steam as it rushes to the top, and disappears, I feel like I've disappeared, too.

"Tara!"

That's my mother's voice. I recognize it, and it sounds hearty, like I've onced remembered it before any of this had happened. She'd call my name like she was about to scold me, but she just wanted my attention. I feel her coming closer, her footsteps appearing. The the small amounts of humoring apprehension I'd feel when she calls me like that aren't present. I've wondered if...

The bathroom door opens, but I keep my eyes closed. The serenity of the moment disappears, and I find myself agitated with her, but I refrain from using the little energy I have to let her know about it.

"Tara, I have to go to the office today. The senator's campaign is days from beginning, and you know how crazy it gets," her voice is clear, just feet away now without the barrier of the bathroom door.

I hum in acknowledgement, unwilling to spark conversation with her. Then she adds, "Since when do you take baths? You hate everything about this apartment, can't imagine spending more time in the bathroom than you need to..."

My eyes shoot open. I look at her now, her face appears exhausted, but lively like she was. Her brown hair is tied up in the usual updo she'd put it in for her work...at the state house...when she was working there...several months ago. I blink rapidly and stare at her, a force constricting my throat in complete disorientation. She was wearing black pants and a business casual blouse, her short, powerless heels on her feet.

"Mom?"

"What?" She frowns with fading humor, perfectly plucked eyebrows lowering. "Are you okay? Did you fall asleep in there?"

"Mom...." I mutter, now sitting up. My eyes feel like they're sinking further into my skull, and my overwhelming surprise to see her makes her squint at me in suspicion. A suspicion I'd think my mother would no longer have as she knew everything she needed to know. As if she was unaware of everything I had told her, as if she was...in the past. She makes a face at me in response and shakes her head, muttering something to me in Spanish before shutting the door, announcing she was leaving for Senator Styles' campaign meeting.