Car Crash Heart (Pete Wentz FanFiction)

Chapter 5

        I shouldn't be driving, I can barely see for fucks sake! But I need to get away... I took a second to pull off the road I was on and onto another one. Are they still chasing me? I looked at the cars following me in the rear view mirror. Nope. Good, I'm just a monster. Why can't I do things right? For once, why can't my life go smoothly?! I jerked the steering wheel to the left to keep from running off the road. I was driving very recklessly; swerving all over, speeding, and braking at random times. This could be bad...

        I wiped my eyes again and moved my soggy bangs to the side of my face. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my phone to plug it into the car charger, remembering it had been dead since I woke up. I turned it on, catching myself from merging into another lane and car, and almost dropped it from the violent buzzing that it produced. I stole glances at it and saw it was a crap ton of messages from the band. I couldn't read them all; they were coming in too fast. I placed it onto the passengers seat and tuned it out.

        The last thing I need is another distraction when my driving is already this bad.

        I glanced out my drivers window and stared at the blank side of the semi that had been cruising next to me for quite some time.

         Wait, am I on the interstate?! Yep...

        I tried to calm down by focusing only on my driving and making sure I didn't barrel into the trees to the side of me, taking deep breaths and enjoying the silence. The lane was empty in front of me for a long stretch and I felt less trapped then I had been all day. I glimpsed at the rear view mirror and saw no recognizable cars, but something caught my eye. I reached out and yanked it off of the mirror, off setting the mirror in the process, and studied the sun bleached photo. The moment that was lucky enough to be frozen in time was one of the happiest Christa and I ever had together, and that saying something since just about every moment we were together was a good one.

~~

        It was her birthday and I planned a picnic in the local park for us. It was perfect. She was so delighted when she saw the blanket and then lunch I made considering it was her absolute favorite. The weather was perfect with the sun shining through the partly cloudy sky just enough to give her a heavenly glow but not enough to sting our eyes. At the moment I pulled out the camera, she was very self conscious of the way she looked, shying away from the lens. I never did understand her; she was gorgeous. She wore a black “My Chemical Romance” shirt, light gray skinny jeans, and converse. I made it so we matched from the middle down, because I wore my “Suck My Richard” shirt so we didn't match on the upper halves of our bodies. She was so happy getting to spend time away from everyone, and she wore the largest smile the whole time. Finally, I asked her for a picture and she agreed, but she was still being self conscious and hid her face behind a watermelon half. It was adorable. I printed it out and took a copy everywhere to remind me of her whenever I was away, and hung one up in the car to remind myself of the angel I was coming home to.

~~

        Tears were soaking my jeans. The fact that I was never going to be able to come home to her anymore hit me hard. I dropped the picture, watching it slowly flutter to the floor before looking to my phone. It had never stopped buzzing even after I put it in the seat. I picked it up; I had a shit ton of messages and seeing the picture of us as my background sent me over the edge. The tears flooded my eyes for a few seconds more before they abruptly stopped.

        There comes a time where you don't feel the anger or sadness anymore, but rather just feel nothing... You feel no emotion when you should be filled to the brim and even spilling over with them, but they all just stop. That's when you know your heart has died because you feel dead all over. You just know that your soul has decided to crawl into a hole and take it's last breath when all emotion leaves you. You just know you're dead already.

        I took my phone and went to my messages, catching glimpses of their texts saying things like “Please stop” and “We're behind you!” but ignoring them. I tapped the option to start a new message and chose all three of them to receive the only thing I had left to say to them.

        “I'm sorry this all happened... I'm gonna miss you”

        I hit send, unplugged my phone, and tossed it to the back floorboard. I looked out my window and into my side view mirror; the semi was a little ways behind me, about a car or two. I looked back at the road in front of me; it was clear. I readjusted the rear view mirror to look at who was behind me; three cars filled the lanes.

        I'm sorry for everything guys.

        I took a deep breath and pushed my foot down on the gas as hard as possible. The pit in my stomach was empty and I looked into the side view mirror again. The semi was a few more car lengths away, but not enough. I pushed down harder with my foot. I pushed the 'on' button on my radio and just to catch a part of the chorus of “The Light Behind Your Eyes” -

        “... if I could be with you tonight...”

        I saw I was far enough ahead of the truck to do what I wanted. I waited a second longer and jerked the wheel to the left, causing my car to block the lane next to me. I looked back down to the floor to see the photo one last time in the growing light coming from my window.

        The roar of a horn grew greater and greater.

        The headlights became more and more blinding.

        I felt a tear escape my eye and shut them both closed.

        "... I failed and lost this fight..."

        I will be with you tonight.