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ix | lauren

"I'M SORRY... I'M SO SORRY... I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE I WAS POINTING... I'M SO SORRY."

I let out another loud sob. Every part of me hurt, especially my heart. The door to my room was locked and for the last hour, I've been crying my eyes out as I laid in bed. Mom had multiple attempts to get in, but each time, she failed. At least the chair prevented her from coming in.

I didn't know who I was talking to at this point. My mom didn't want to hear me cry, ordering me to stop the second I started. Auston didn't give a damn about his daughter being gone. He didn't care. Not at all. Maybe I was telling everything to Alyssa - maybe she was hearing me from wherever she was, wondering why... why this all happened.

I was clearly at the wrong place at the wrong time when I heard the news. Maybe if I didn't hear it directly from Alyssa's sobbing mother, I'd feel slightly better. Maybe if I didn't hear Mr. Miller's unemotional response - if I could see him be as heartbroken as how I felt at the moment, even now, maybe I'd feel like I could control myself.

But no. I had to be right there, in Auston's office, at 12:40 AM just to hear the phone in his office ring, and on speaker phone, hear Alyssa's mother spill the news.

"How could you... how could you let Lauren shoot at her? You could've stopped her, you ungrateful git. One daughter, that's all I wanted. Ever. And this is how you take her away from me."

She made it sound like it was entirely my fault.

Her sobs were so full of pain. Her voice cracked with every word. My heart sunk at the sound of her voice and the news.

And all Auston responded with was; "Everything has a purpose in life, my dear. Yes, she was taken from us, but Alyssa was only one person. We have to focus of the greater good."

And he hung up.

"None of this was my fault. I didn't kill her. I'm not a... murderer," I found myself saying. After he hung up. I knew the words on my lips were not true - technically I am, and a mass murderer for that case.

"I didn't kill her," I said again, this time in the privacy of my camera filled room. I know that they could see the tears drip down my face.

It would be more Aidan's fault for her death. He grabbed me too quickly, before I could aim properly. At least, that's how I remember it going.

Why would I blame him on something so horrible?

"Lauren, that's enough," I heard my mom's voice call from the other side of the door.

I didn't respond.

"Lauren Elizabeth Jessica Olsen, if you don't open this door right this instant, you will stay by my side from sunrise to midnight."

I raised my hand. The chair flew across the room, then I twisted the lock and let her in. God, why am I so weak?

She walks into my room,  a frown on her face. "You're a mess. Take a shower."

"My best friend is dead."

"If her dad isn't suffering, you shouldn't."

"He's a freaking robot with no emotions at all."

I continued to stare at the ceiling, tears still in my eyes. Mom's words just wanted me to cry even more.

Mom walked over and took a seat on my bed. She pushed gently on my shoulder, wanting me to sit up. I did what she said, expecting her to tell me to go to some place that was not here.