This tour was not what I expected at all. Communication has never been any of our strong suits, but I never thought it would go this far. To go so far that Lindsey's not in the band. We aren't ending this chapter the way we should. All 5 of us should be together. Lindsey should be here. He and I started together.
We've been on the road for a week, and the shows are different. Over the years, we've started to recognize the fans in each city. The first few rows are always peppered with them. A lot of familiar faces are missing. We let them down. Cooler heads should have prevailed, they always do. Why couldn't they this time?
Karen got me out of the arena quickly tonight. I am tired. We have 2 days off. Everyone "blames" me for that, but the truth is, we are all old. Tours like this were tough 40 years ago. Now? Well let's just saw a few days off are good for us all. I sent Karen on her way, and settled in for the night. Bubble bath, followed by my journal and a glass, or 2 of wine. I've always been voracious about my journaling, but in the weeks leading up to Lindsey leaving, as well as the following, I've been filling pages. The words are flowing out of me, and I suspect the same is true for Lindsey. If these songs ever see the light of day, it won't take a genius to figure out what happened.
I wonder how he is doing? I know he's got a few things in the works, and I am glad for him.
How could we be so immature as to let it get this far? Karen and Jessie have been telling me fans online are calling us two year olds. They aren't so far off the mark. They also tell me blame is sitting squarely with Mick and I. That couldn't be further from the truth. All five of us screwed it up this time. As a result, all of us, the band, Lindsey, the fans, are being robbed of a "farewell tour". I am not so far removed from reality that I don't realize that. Is this our farewell tour? Part of me wants so badly to get one more shot with Lindsey in the line up. At this juncture, would he even agree to it?
No matter how difficult the recording and touring process is for us, I've let myself, as much as everyone else down for how we got to this point. The first time we played without him, it was jarring. No disrespect to Mike or Neil, but it was unsettling. I can see it on the faces of the fans too.
I always said beautiful music was my reality and that was because I had Lindsey to work on my songs. Where did we let this one go wrong? He brought me into this band and, now? I pull the picture of us that I keep hidden in the back of my journal. 1973. Such a different time. We were on the cusp of something huge. Something we did together. "Thank you baby".
**I just wanted to somehow get my feelings out. I really can't believe it's come to this. There is so much rumor and innuendo out there. The fans are completely split and it really saddens me. I am trying to rise above and avoid reading all the stuff that's out there. It's a sad end to the legacy around the people in this band. Truth is, none of us know what went down, and we may never. I hope they can get past this in some way. I hope fences can be mended and we get a proper farewell tour with the 5 fireflies.
