The screaming of silence

Overview

They say a picture is worth a thousand words does that mean a thousand words can paint a picture in your mind? Let me know if you can see this constantly fading image.

There's this silence in my head that is never silent, ever present. It's louder than any other sound I've heard, yet still gives way to the rest of the world. The silence, it seems, knows how it feels to not be heard. I don't want to hear it, not one soul wants to hear it. But I listen, because I too know the feeling of not being heard. It sounds like an orchestra, an orchestra of unheard sounds that are simply screaming to be understood. All of the hurt, all of the untold truths veiled with lies. All of the fallen trees in a forest with no one around, begging to make its sound.  We question whether or not it makes a sound, well, it definitely does. I can hear them, every day. Screaming at me to find them, begging me to acknowledge them. Just as each person in an orchestra wishes to express themselves through their instrument of choice, they've fallen on that for lack of other choice. They want their voice to be heard, screaming with their instruments. But how can one person pick out a single sound of a single instrument expressing its users emotion? How can one person listen to the screaming of silence and all the terrifyingly terrific sounds that are slowly fading, wishing to be heard with every last ounce of effort that it has? Please listen. To forget a tree falling in a forest with nobody around is simply ignorant. It's wrong. Just as wrong as it is to leave a person alone while they cry, all alone just wishing to be heard. Not wishing to hurt or be hurt. Silently crying, screaming with silence in an attempt to be heard for what it is. Lonliness. I can hear all of your lonely thoughts, just as a bassist can hear the base regardless of how obnoxious the drums are. The bass keeps the drums in rhythm even though you seem to think the drum is what has the beat. You do not hear bass. You can not. You feel bass. There is an underlying base of lonliness that plagues the world, and I feel it. It's worse than a cold, worse than getting old. Blacker than Black Death, and more infectious than any disease known to man. We develop immune systems so we don't have to be sick, well all of this makes me sick. I want to vomit as I write each of these words, I feel sick to the deepest region of my entire mind body and soul. I wish for inner peace, but not with all the screams. I could never die happy knowing that I've ignored the trees, the leaves, or even sometimes the dust that floats through the beams of light crawling over the edge of my window. Because I know. It hurts. It hurts to fly through that light, even for dust. As I watch it fall from its beautiful invisible cloud that it tries so hard to float on, my mind tries to distract itself with drugs. With games. I feel like I'm losing every day, but it's not me. I'm losing everyone and everything around me as they fall off of their clouds. Wishing with everything they have to be caught. But should I reach out and try to catch them as they fall? I cannot catch them all. This is not Pokémon, I have no wish for control, I just wish this silent screaming would simply stop. I wish I could stop it all myself.  This is me screaming in my silence. I feel lonliness, I feel everyone and everything else that is alone. I need help, and not for reasonable selfish reasons as self-improvement, but for unreasonable selfish reasons such as this feeling is killing me. It's slowly making me go insane. But if I don't see this lonliness end, then I will live my life like this. If this feeling lonliness persists among everything then I will persist alongside it. I will scream with it. I will not silence myself just as all this silent screaming, but I will become an instrument of expression. I will be the voice that this screaming wishes for. I will scream it everywhere that everything is alone only when you leave it alone. Do not think that one crying alone wishes to cry alone, they used to scream it. They are slowly fading to screaming silently. They are so close to silencing themselves because they are alone. There is nobody around to see or hear or feel the falling of their tree. The trees are falling all around us, but we ignore them because inside, we are all alone. We all know how it hurts. So we push it out of our lives because we think that if we do so then we can be fulfilled. But I could never push out that feeling like so many people have. I've tried once, never again do I want to feel that emptiness. I would rather die first. I would rather live the entirety of my life in a constant state of underlying misery and loneliness because I know how it feels. I want to feel happy, and I can, but I will never forget the silent screaming of lonliness fighting so hard to be heard just as you will never forget the soldiers who fight for your country. You might think I live in my own world if you saw me. That's what people have said since I was a kid. But no. It is not my world. I live in our world. Not the physical mass that we feel, but the mass of emotions. The weight of existence. I can't take it all but I'm willing to if you are not willing to. I have the will. I know now what it means to lack courage, and I will never lose that again. I will listen to this deafening screaming which wishes only to be heard, not to be hurt, not to hurt. Not to drown each other out but to come together as an orchestra, never interrupting anything or anyone, but wishing so hard not to be misunderstood.