Donald searched through the profiles on FindLurve.com, looking for a woman. His famous namesake was on TV in the background, embarrassing himself yet again in his campaign to become the next American president. It was not easy having the exact same name and being the same age as a celebrity. Especially not that celebrity. He was glad that a year ago he had retired, he could only imagine the way the others at work would have teased him over his name. He often thought about changing his name, but he was 69 years old now. Surely there wasn't much point.
He clicked on one of the profiles he liked the look of. Her name was Samantha. She had long brown hair. She was only 30; less than half his age. He felt mildly self conscious about messaging a woman old enough to be his daughter; on the rare dates he had been on lately, the women were all about the same age. But her location said she lived in the same town. And she was hot. So why not give it a go?
'Hi Samantha,' he wrote. 'You're looking pretty in that picture. Do you want to chat?'
'Yes sure,' Samantha wrote back almost instantly.
***
In a basement hundreds of miles away, Derek's face was illuminated by the blue light of the computer screen. He rarely left the basement these days. Today was his birthday and he spent it in total darkness, surrounded by empty pizza boxes and cans of coke, in a tracksuit he had not changed for a couple of days. The game he was playing was interrupted by a notification. ALERT FROM FINDLURVE.COM, it said. NEW MESSAGE RECEIVED.
'Derek!' his mum yelled. 'Aren't you coming to join us for dinner?'
He ignored her desperate shouts. He had to finish this match which he had already spent eight hours on. But before then he had to do something else.
'BRB, Got something here guys!!!!1' he wrote to the other gamers on the server, and checked the alerts from the FindLurve server which he and his 'hacking collective' were monitoring. He could scarcely believe his eyes. He stared at the screen in amazement.
'DonaldTrump1946 is talking to GorgeousSam33,' the message said.
'Omg u won't believe this m8s lol,' he wrote into the chat screen of his computer game. 'Donald Trump is talking to my bot on FindLurve.com lololol'.
'Donald trump lol no way u have 2 b joking hahaha,' one of his friends wrote, a fourteen year old boy in New Zealand who he had never met.
He opened the screen containing their messages. There was a picture of some old looking guy. But it must be him. After all he was born on the same date. He typed some code into the box. Thanks to the fast-developing 'Internet of Things' which allowed common household objects to become connected online, he could create some havoc.
******
Donald wrote, 'Yes I'd like to meet you for a coffee on Tuesday.'
'Of course,' GorgeousSam33 replied. 'Do you have any places in mind?'
'There's a coffee place down the road.' Donald found it a little bit weird that GorgeousSam33 was writing back so quickly. Although he had been using the internet for years for work, he had never been able to type as fast as his younger colleagues. It must be because he was getting old. He was 69. Sometimes it made him a bit sad that someone with the same name, age and birthday was running for President while he was living alone in a small house trying to chat up women on the internet.
'Let's go there, then,' GorgeousSam33 replied. As Donald was typing out another message, the phone rang. It was his son, Donald Jr. When his son was born he and his wife could not think of a name, so had just named the baby after his father. Their marriage was not going well and within three years they had divorced. Donald had remarried twice more after that. Technically he was still married to his third wife, but didn't get on.
'Hi Dad,' Donald Jr said. 'How are you?'
'I am OK,' Donald said. 'How are you?'
'I'm OK,' his son said. 'I wanted to warn you about something. You know that website, FindLurve.com that you mentioned to me the other day?'
'Oh, yes?' Donald was faintly embarrassed. 'I haven't been on it very much.'
He had actually been on it every day.
'Well, that's good, because it's been hacked. So if you talk to someone on there be careful, because you could be talking to a hacker.'
'Well don't worry about me, son.' His son worried too much. Donald had been on the internet for years and knew perfectly well how to use it. Shouldn't he find himself a nice girl rather than stressing out about what his old dad was doing online?
******
'Ur not gonna believe this m8s lololol,' Derek wrote to his online pals. 'It must be him ha ha i found names of his kids and ex wifes online and their names r the same!!!'
'M8 i dont think it can b! Doesn't he live in New York u moron this guy lives in high wycombe haha!!!111'
'Well I don't care ha ha, his fault 4 not changing his name lmao.'
'Derek!' his mother called. 'I'm not happy! You spend too much time on the internet. Why don't you help me around the house? Why don't you help your dad in the garden?'
'Mum I'm trying to do something here. Just leave me alone.' Why was she always so difficult? Why couldn't she stop nagging him for once in her life? He wasn't a kid any more, he was 16. That meant he could do what he liked. What did she know about the internet anyway?
He turned back to the FindLurve.com page. Donald had agreed to meet GorgeousSam33 for a coffee down his road. It was time for Derek to take action. He used the bot he had installed on Donald's computer to open a control panel with details of all the household appliances in it. This guy obviously enjoyed keeping up with the latest technological gadgets.
He selected one: Vacuum Cleaner. 'Reprogram to coincide with chatbot,' he wrote. 'Activate tomorrow at 1.30pm.' Donald's date was at 2.
******
The following day Donald spent an hour getting ready. He put on a clean, ironed shirt and trousers. He checked himself several times in the mirror. Then he walked downstairs. As he did so he heard the vacuum cleaner turn on. He was sure he had turned it off. When he walked over to it, it wasn't making a sound. It must have been a mistake. Hopefully he wasn't losing his memory.
He left the house and walked down the street to the cafe. He did not notice the door of his house unlocking. By the time the vacuum cleaner started trundling along the road, he was already halfway there.
He walked into the cafe. 'Hello,' said the man at the counter. 'What can I get you?'
'A white coffee, please,' Donald said and the man gave it to him. He walked over to a seat by the window and sat down. There were no women in their thirties here, just a mum and dad with two young children. That was it.
There was an odd, mechanical noise behind him. He looked towards the door of the cafe. A blue vacuum cleaner stood in the doorway. It looked exactly like his own. Donald blinked. It definitely wasn't there before.
The vacuum cleaner started rolling straight towards him, on its plastic wheels. Donald stared at it. Then it stopped in front of him. There was no sign of his date. Just the vacuum cleaner. Donald checked his watch. It was 2.15.
He sent a text to Sam's number. This time he got a reply.
'I'm right in front of you. I've been here all along. And you didn't even notice me.'
The vacuum cleaner's tube was drooping. It was looking sad. Donald looked around. He couldn't see anyone else there. Was this some sort of joke? Maybe his son had been right. He didn't want to wait here all day. He got up to pay.
'Is that yours?' The man at the counter pointed at the vacuum cleaner. 'You should get it out of here.'
'It looks like one I've got at home,' Donald said. 'It's all very confusing. I was meant to come here for a date. And it seems my vacuum cleaner followed me instead.'
'A date?' the man at the counter snapped. 'He's done it again. That little -'
'What do you mean?'
'My cousin Derek's been hacking into FindLurve.com, playing tricks on people. Again.'
'What?' Donald was speechless, not to mention disappointed. How could someone do such a thing?
'Although I do need a new vacuum cleaner. If you're happy, I can take this away.'
'Yeah. Only too happy,' Donald said.
