Truly Madly Deeply

One

Kevin watched as the door swing open, his eyes meeting Patrick's, who stood there as he took off the hood of his sweater, then walk into the apartment. There was awkward silence, the atmosphere suddenly becoming so dense and heavy, or so Kevin thought, as if a hurricane was building. And the silence seemed the proverbial "calm, before the storm". Indeed there was a storm gathering. A storm of emotions, and Kevin felt it. Building inside him, having been subjected to an emotional roller-coaster ride moments ago. The despair and solitude he'd felt had been devastating, as he looked at the grim prospect of having to live his life without Patrick, the man he had gladly upturned his life for, as he had so eloquently put it the night before. But seeing Patrick now, who stood a few feet away from him, looking at him in the same manner a cornered animal looks at its hunter, which served as a sobering reminder to Kevin that Patrick, the man he was so desperately in love, will never, ever, be able to trust him, and that, well, that brought Kevin so close towards the edge of losing it.

They've been together for not more than a month. But sure enough, Patrick, as if it was a huge obligation of sort, or rather some impulse he simply could not ignore, saw to it to hoard little things about Kevin and, in so doing, had managed to know a lot of things about him, which he, Kevin, under no circumstance would have shared with anyone. Not that Patrick had forced him. Rather, it was far from that. It was more like Patrick asking him about things like a child keen on knowing things, so curious, of the littlest bit of information, like when, out of the blue, Patrick asked Kevin when was the first time ever he had jerked off. And when Kevin confessed that he'd been only twelve when he first tossed himself off, well, the look of mixed surprise and delight on Patrick's face had been Kevin's undoing, and knew he had done the right thing of revealing a few bits about himself. But Kevin never really found it annoying, even though it took Patrick pestering him for the littlest detail sometimes; rather, Kevin found it intimate. And having tasted it, this newfound intimacy he never had before with anyone else, not even Jon, Kevin found himself incessantly craving for it.

And Kevin thought it's cute, found it sweet even, and Heaven knows the things he'd do to see that beautiful smile on Patrick's face, and was soon addicted to the feelings that making Patrick the happiest person in the entire fucking world incites.

Thus in such short a time, Kevin felt that connection. With love and trust, Kevin had completely exposed himself, and Patrick, in his many little ways, was able to see past Kevin's tough exterior, to reach down deep inside and touch his soul. It felt fucking amazing. And that's why it hurts so fucking much. Kevin had gotten used to the fact that Patrick would be forever a part of his life, but after the horrible fight last night, today, he wasn't entirely sure of it anymore. God, the sight of Patrick crying in front of him, and knowing full well Kevin was the cause of it, well, it was a sight he would remember till his dying day.

Bared your soul? A voice inside Kevin asked, as if to taunt him. It went on. You bastard, don't flatter yourself too much. The only reason Patrick was able to touch your soul is because you have no depths, whatsoever. Yes, you are a shallow, if not a hollow, man. Could it be true? That in his shallowness, Patrick didn't really need much effort to see the fucking skeletons he'd hidden so well in his closets. That Patrick saw through Kevin clearly, all Kevin's secrets, all his lies, like they were pebbles under a clear mountain stream. And that Patrick had finally seen Kevin clearly for what he was, a lying, cheating son of a bitch.

Well, Kevin's getting better at it, apparently. Indulging himself with self-deprecating thoughts.

Suddenly, Kevin's thought cleared, and as if rising from a stupor, addressed Patrick, whom he had altogether forgotten.

"Can I come in?" Patrick asked, cautiously.

For some unknown reason, Kevin felt something akin to antagonism towards Patrick. "Well, you sure can," said Kevin, unable to keep himself from sounding sarcastic. "You were able to walk out of the door. I don't see anything that would keep you from walking back in. But then again, you're you, Patrick, and you're rather good at spotting problems, even there aren't." There, it felt good. At least Patrick could feel a third of the hurt Kevin had to endure. But it was fleeting though, because now Kevin felt all the more shitty of himself.