The Symphony of Saudade

Chapter 4

28.06.2019

The acrid smell of sanitiser and an amalgamation of medicines welcomed me as I entered Holy Life Hospital. I was trembling with shock when I relayed the patient's name to the receptionist. She told me the ward number and I rushed to the elevator before it closed with a few people inside. A kindred soul held the door for me as I entered, muttering thanks. The lift reached the third floor and I got out along with the others. I walked along the corridor, reading the room numbers one by one. When I reached 308, my hands shook before I opened the door. Taking deep breaths, I opened it. Immediately, Nithya looked up from the bed. She was apparently going to lie down again, but my appearance stopped her.

'Chan, I...'

'Don't speak anything,' I said, as I settled on the chair beside the bed. Nithya's left hand was still attached to the drips under the Venflon. And then I noticed the bandage on her wrist. One look at her eyes told me that she was feeling guilty.

'I'd like to explain to you, Chan. If not me, who else is going to disprove the selfish act I did?'

'It wasn't selfish, Nithi. Don't you go blaming yourself for everything?' I replied softly. All she needed was my support and understanding, and I was going to give her just that.

'Cutting myself was a selfish act. Why didn't I think about my parents? After all-all-all that they have done for me, being supportive of every shit I wanted in my life, they deserve to ha-ha-have their daughter beside them. I shouldn't have done it.'

'Relax, Nithi. This is not the time to stress yourself. What's happened has happened. Let's see where to go from here.'

'Aren't you angry with me that I cu-cut myself? Any other friend at this place would have blasted me.'

'No, I am not angry. I am rather aggrieved. Why don't you realise that I am always there for you? It all takes just one call to talk about how you are feeling and what you plan to do to yourself. I would have surely dissuaded you from doing it. Nithi, you have supportive souls around you, amidst this highly judgemental society. Look at my mom. She is still that orthodox 70s-born lady whose life has frozen behind a box in the 90s. She is never gonna snap out of her narrow mindset. But look at your mom. She is a wonderful human being who knows about the right parenting. She is a role model for many mothers out there. You should have spoken to her at least. By the way, where is she?'

'She's just gone out to buy some fruits for me. I don't feel like eating anything other than fruits. You continue speaking.'

'Yes, my point is, reach out to your people. They are the close ones who can understand you without any judgment. I am rather disgruntled that you had to go through this alone. Look, nothing and no one is worth risking your life for. You understand?'

Nithya nodded in affirmation. I continued, 'Okay, now tell me everything.'

'I...I was feeling inadequate, Chan. All of a sudden I felt all these walls closing up on me. My chest felt heavy as if gargoyles were debating about who was pressing better. I was getting sucked into this blackhole of madness just before I fetched the knife and gave myself one nasty slash.'

My eyes began filling up with tears, as soon as I heard it. If someone as bohemian as Nithya could do this to herself, what about partially caged birds like me? I have felt suicidal a couple of times, but then I decided that I should live and put up a fight till I achieve what I truly want. It was always me against this monotonous lifestyle. I wanted to be alive and kicking, to disembark from this dullsville existence.

I prodded Nithya to continue as I couldn't speak due to the trigger that her experience gave me.

'I feel so guilty, Chan. This is just not me. I have a colourful life. I consider myself as beautiful, inside out, but then I go ahead and do such mean things. Nowadays, I am meeting new people and putting Nishok on the back burner, yet I am haunted by the abuse I went through at the hands of the man I loved the most. I was so much into him that I couldn't process his abuse. I was justifying it to my loved ones. I can't even believe the ordeal I put them through because of my relationship with Nishok. Look, I am still clinging on to what had become of me because of him, but he's enjoying himself out there. Though I have blocked him on all social media, I unblock his profile occasionally and keep a tab on what he is doing. He seems to be enjoying his life, partying and all. But, here I am, harming myself. You know, Chan, I feel that that baby who I miscarried is actually lucky. It shouldn't have been born to such a ruthless human being like Nishok. I am rather happy that he or she escaped from the clutches of an undeserving man.'