If Only You Could See Me Now

Chapter 3

“Why? Is it the whole letter thing because I apologized for that” he replies.

“Well it wasn’t the first something like that has happened,” I answer back.

“Yeah well you were the one who forgot to hand in the letter in the first place,” he retorts.

“Only because I was too busy helping you with your science project,” I snap back.

“Which I bought you a bar of chocolate for, anyway this is coming from the girl who lost both of our permission slips so we missed the school trip in year four,” Tom angrily replies.

“You broke my arm when we were in year three,” the arguments are getting more ridiculous by the second and Lily, Jake and Max have physically moved backwards to remove themselves from this. So it is just me and Tom randomly hissing at each other in contempt for no apparent reason. “I didn’t tell you to land on that plant pot, plus you fell asleep on our tooth fairy watch when we were in year two,” he answers back.

“No I didn’t fall asleep I was just shutting my eyes, you thought I fell asleep so you fell asleep so then I fell asleep and all that doesn’t matter because you don’t spend any time with us any more!” I reply suddenly realising that I’m kind of shouting at him. “Why are you so angry?” he asks puzzled, drawing back in all the anger. Good question Tom, I don't even have the answer to that one... The strange feeling I felt before comes flying back and I am unable to answer. It's not the losing him to Jennifer that is causing this it's something different... something much stronger. Then almost as quick and as hard as the feeling hit me the reason hits me. Because I love you. I can’t even bring myself to look at him so I just run down the corridor and keep going until the girl’s bathroom door slams shut behind me.

Okay so why don't we recap? I am in love with Tom. I love him. I LOVE Tom!!! Well that's just bloody great. Why couldn't I work this out earlier? Pre Jennifer preferably. But even then what would have I done? Would I have told him? Should I tell him now... NO, stupid idea. Here's the plan don't tell Tom, in fact don't tell anyone! Keep it to yourself all locked away... simple. Not really. I have to sit there and watch him stare into someone else's eyes when I know they should be staring into mine. I have to sit and watch him play tonsil tennis with her whilst he ignores me. I can't even confide in my best friend because it's him!!! This is really messed up isn't it? What should I do?!? Oh god I need help!!!

“Jem?” I whip around unaware someone was behind me.

“Lily you just scared the crap out of me,” I yell in shock.

“Sorry. Are you okay?” she asks cautiously.

“Yeah... yes I'm fine,” I reply trying to keep the persistent influx of tears back.

“Sure that's why you're in the toilets almost in tears,” Lily says her voice dripping in sarcasm. She raises her eyebrows at me and stares at me expectantly. Uh oh. I can feel the secret burning in my chest. It slowly rises up my throat and I can't hold it in any longer. “I'mInLoveWithTom,” I gabble at lightning pace closing my eyes in an attempt to shut out the humiliation. “WHAT?!?” Lily gasps. “But you're like brother and sister,” she adds. Thanks for that Lily, what a lovely image I now have in my head. “Well I guess that argument makes a lot more sense now.” I don't reply. Understanding my silence she hugs me. “If he knew I'm sure he would feel the same,” she says sympathetically. “NO. Lily, promise me. Promise me now that you want say anything to ANYBODY,” I demand pulling away from the hug. “But he belongs with...,” she begins.

“Lily I mean it,” I interrupt.

“Fine..., I won't tell,” she reluctantly gives in. Okay new plan do not tell anyone APART from Lily, make it up with Tom next lesson, if I can't have him as my boyfriend I can at least have him as my best friend. Sorted... well apart from the fact that I am still in love with him... This is going to be awkward…

I end up a bit late for English seen as it takes me a while to compose myself. So I end up sprinting madly up the stairs because that's what most normal people do... or maybe not. “Sorry I'm late sir I was just...,” I trail off. I forgot I had Mr. Jones for English. He doesn't even look up from his book he just grunts. I could have told him I was late because I was robbing the crown jewels and he wouldn't even bat an eyelid. I look up expecting to see Tom in his usual seat but it's empty. He is now sat next to Mike one of Jennifer's in-crowd friends. It looks like I'm sitting on my own then. So with no other option I moodily walk over to my seat, sink down in my chair, put my head down and actually get on with some work.

Tom avoided me for the rest of the day. It's fair to say that this is possibly the lowest I have ever felt. I just want to go home so I can sob into my pillow in peace. I have wanted to cry all day really it's a miracle I haven't broken down into wails of despair yet. I'm just shoving the last of my books into my bag ready to go home when in the background I hear the clip clop of heels. As if my day couldn't get any worse. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for the bitchy comments which are going to come my way any second now. I turn around and there is Jennifer, strangely without her followers. “Jem there you are! I just want to say thank you for welcoming me into your little group,” she giggles and I thought the fact that she was alone was strange. Bewildered I look over her shoulder and there's Tom. This is all an act to fool him... thank god I was starting to think it was genuine. She pulls me into the most awkward hug I have ever experienced. But then she finally flips back to normal as she hisses into my ear, “stay out of my way and don't dare try to come between us again.”

“Don't you dare threaten me,” I shout, pushing her away. What can I say after the day I have had I just lost it. “What's your problem? She was trying to put all the hostility between you two in the past,” Tom suddenly shouts storming over.

“Tom... she,” I stutter. I can't put together a sentence Tom has never been this mad at me before and it has completely thrown me. “I don't know why she has such a problem with me. She has pushed me out before and now she's doing the same thing,” Jennifer speaks over me.

“What do you mean?” Tom asks whilst still glaring at me. This is pure torture he has never looked at me like that before... it's like he hates me. “She poisoned you against me in year four and she's doing it again now,” she whines. I shake my head in fury. I can't believe she's doing this.

“You really think he is going to buy that?” I laugh turning to Tom.

“You can't decide for me Jem! It would make sense; you never did tell me exactly what happened that day. I'm not your possession and you can't monopolise me,” he yells. His words cut into me like a dagger twisting into my back. Jennifer just smiles triumphantly. Years and years of hatred for Jennifer have boiled to the surface and now she has just flicked the switch igniting it all. A surge of anger sweeps over me and I just want to scream and scream to get rid of it. “That's really what you think?” I ask in a whisper so quiet it's almost inaudible shaking with an overwhelming concoction of fury and heart breaking misery. Tom doesn't speak he just nods slowly. He may as well have just stabbed me through the heart; it felt like he had anyway. I can't take any more I just run away as fast as I can.

I keep going out the school doors and down the road. By now I am in sobs so strong I have to take in gulps of air. Tears are gushing out of me and I can't do a thing to stop them. Tom's last words are echoing in my head swirling around and around. I hate him! Except that's not true I don't hate him at all not even a tiny bit, not even enough to fool myself into thinking I hate him.

I am so distraught I don't even notice I've stepped out onto the road. So involved in my rant I don't hear the screams of the onlookers. But my ignorance doesn't last long because the screech of tyres against brakes slices through my trance with ease. Everything stops. The people stop walking, the world stops spinning, my heart stopd beating. By now I have worked out what is coming. A car is hurtling towards me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can't move, I can't breathe and I certainly can't think. The squeal of tyres makes sure that any thought is thrust firmly out of my brain. I can't even scream it just shrinks away to nothing in my throat. Even if I could scream until I am red in the face it won't block out the piercing screams now resonating in my ears. With nothing left to do I squeeze my eyes tight shut and wait. With a sickening thud my body is hurled into the air. The impact rips through my body tearing into every inch of me, racing through every cell. With another gut wrenchingly awful crunch my body is thrown back down to the floor and I feel each of my limbs crack into the wrong positions. The last thing I can remember is the cold metallic taste of blood creeping into my mouth and the fuzzy image of a road covered in patches of deep scarlet...