Just A Thought

19

I'm sorry Zach, my love, but I can't go through this again...

It takes me a few seconds but I finally spit it out. "Yes, I'll do as you said."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to break up with him."

"If I find out you're lying, I'll tell every single one of your friends that you're buying from Ryan and that we had sex because you were so desperate for it. And me and Marc will find you and do it again and again until you do listen to us, you understand? Maybe we'll even invite someone else with us." He smirks down at me. I blink the tears away and I hear him put on his belt again and I sigh out. "You're a slut. Don't forget that." He kisses my neck hard and I know he's going to leave a hickey.

Then he gets off me and leaves the room with a slam of the door.

A loud sob leaves my mouth and I try to be silent so I don't wake Madelin up. I look at her. She looks so peaceful. If she knew what has just happened...

"Fuck." I whisper. I get up on my shaking legs and go in Madelin's bathroom. I search all of the cabinets until I find some pills. I don't even check what they are for before I swallow them.

My breathing slows down and I look in my reflection. A broken girl stares back at me. A slut. There's a black bruise forming on her left cheek and one on her left wrist. The one covered in cuts she did herself. A red hickey is decorating her neck. A hickey she didn't want.

And then I realise. That girl is me. Me. That broken used body is mine. That face is mine. That mind is mine.

I wash my face and search the drawers. I'm sure Madelin won't wake up before morning and I know she wouldn't mind me borrowing her makeup. I cover my cheek and then my neck. But I can't cover up my wrists because the scars are fresh from this morning. Plus I don't want to die from getting infected.

Maybe from pi-

Stop.

Okay. So the plan is that I call my brother and then I'll talk to Zach and tell him I don't want to be in a relationship with him and then he'll probably think I used him.

Great.

Tears start to form in my eyes again but I don't let them escape. I can do this.

I take the last look in the mirror and leave the bathroom. Madelin is still passed out on the bed. I put the bottle of vodka in my bag and get out of there. I quickly walk out of the house and then turn on my phone.

There's a missed call from Alex and two from Zach. I don't think I can talk to Zach right now, so I dial my brother.

He picks up immediately. "Hey, where are you?"

"At Madelin's. Can you pick me up?" I try to keep my voice steady.

"Alright, I'll be there right away." He hangs up and I sit down.

It's pretty late but it's still warm. There's a moon, lightening the night sky.

I wait for some time and a car finally stops infront of me. I get up and I'm met with Zachary's stare from the passenger's seat.

This couldn't get any worse, could it?

I open the back door and get in.

"Hey."

"Hi." I say quietly. Zach is looking at me but I can't do anything right now. If what Cade did didn't happen, I would give Zach a kiss on his cheek but I have to keep myself away. Even though it's the last thing I want to do, I have to talk to him tonight.

The drive back is silent, except for Alex who's asking me if I had anything.

"I little." I say shortly.

We get back and I make my way up to my room without saying anything.

"Do you want to eat something?" I hear my brother's voice from behind me.

"Nah, not really."

"Okay." He doesn't look sure though. I think he has noticed there's something wrong.

Zach joins us now and he walks over to me and the only thing I want to do is hug him. I want to get as close to him as I can get but I know I can't so I move away.

Hurt flashes in his eyes and he looks at me questioningly. Alex looks confused as well.

"Zach. Can I talk to you?"

I can see he's worried but he follows me in my room.

We're alone now.

"What's wrong?" He says quietly.

"I can't. I'm sorry. I can't be with you." I spit it out.

He freezes.

"What?" He slowly says.

"I'm sorry, Zach, you have no idea how sorry I am and how much I want it but I can't." I wipe my tears away.

"I- I... what? You're kidding, right?"

I don't say anything.

I can see when the realisation kicks in and he breaks down. I've never seen him cry before and now I am. There are tears falling down his cheeks because of me. I made him cry.

He sorts himself out. "Why?"

"I just can't."

"Okay." Zach slowly nods. "Will you ever be able to?"

"I don't know."

I come close to him and kiss his cheek. "I'm so sorry."

He looks at me and kisses my forehead and then he's out of here.

And I'm alone. All alone. And I totally break down.

Why am I keep hurting people? My mom and now Zachary.

I get in my bed and cry my eyes out. Why does it hurt so much?

Someone knocks and slowly opens my door. When Alex sees me, he quickly runs to me and sits down beside my lying body. My dirty used body.

"Are you okay?" He asks and pulls some strands of my hair away from my face.

I nod. "I just had to. I'm so sorry." He sadly smiles at me.

"You don't have to keep pushing people away, Valeri. We are here for you, okay?"

"I know. I just want to be alone right now." I whisper.

Alex hugs me and leaves.

I'm alone again and it's my fault this time.

AN: -word count- 1671

I'm so sorry for this but I had to:(

I'm really tired because it's 2AM so I'll just go to sleep.

I love u! Night<3