Unlived Stories

Chapter 29

The next morning, I jumped up as I heard weird noises downstairs. When I walked into the kitchen, I was surprised: Mom was holding Connor in her arms.

"Mom? What are you doing here, my love?"

I took my son in my arms, waiting for an answer from my mother.

"Sam was here."

"Sam was here?" I repeated.

"Yeah, just now. His father got worse and he rushed to Pineville. He said he left Meredith and Claire at a friend's house in Campshire. But Connor was crying a lot, calling for you."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"He was in a hurry, sweetheart."

"I wanted to talk to him", instantly, I reached into my pocket for my phone but couldn't find it.

"He said he's going to call you when he gets there", she put her hand on my shoulder. "Calm down, honey. It's gonna be okay."

In the afternoon, I sat on the porch in one of the rocking chairs with Connor on my lap. It wasn't fair to just stand there, enjoying the peace of that small town, while my husband felt the despair of his father's imminent death. It wasn't fair. And I hadn't been fair. I couldn't watch it from afar anymore. It wasn't right. Nothing was right. Connor, as if he understood everything that was going through my head, nodded. I smiled at him. Immediately, I rose from the chair and asked if my mom could stay with Connor for a while and before she could answer, I handed over the little one and went to look for a sheet of paper somewhere.

"For the love of all my livesI tried to start off by saying this in various ways, but none of them really struck me as convincing enough for you to read on. So I appealed to the traditional outburst before the real outburst. I've wanted to tell you these things for a long time; in fact, they have been accumulating inside of me. First of all, I wanted to apologize if I've ever hurt you. Why, after all, do we like to torture ourselves so much? That's why I decided to come here and put an end to this story, since you never had the courage to do it decently. I never had either, I could never say goodbye to you like that, out of nowhere. Because, for me, nothing ended. But now, from here, I see that, yes, it's over and it's been a while, I just couldn't admit it to myself. The world is changing, time is passing, I'm growing older but it feels like part of my life is behind me. I had such a good memory, but after you, it's crammed with your words that weren't even that poetic. I never wanted things to end like this, and I'm sorry if that's the way they went. I don't know if anyone is to blame for this story, and if so, I don't know who it is. Sometimes all I want is to call you and talk about nothing. I almost go crazy because I can't press the fucking button. It hurts even more to see that I'm no longer part of your life. So this outburst is for me and for all the gasps I feel in my chest when I talk about you, choosing the next words and trying not to demonstrate any different feelings in them. Thank you, after all, for anything and everything you've done to me, it shaped me into the woman I am today. I think this is key. There are people who change our lives just by existing in them for a period of time. Short, long, or eternal, depending on our luck. I hope you are very happy in your life and that you never forget - and if you forgot, that you remember - all the good things that we got to experience. Though few, they were intense enough to last forever, at least here, within me. There's no one in the world like you for me.

PS: And that blouse, my favorite, which I wore when we first went out together, is kept in the bottom drawer of my wardrobe. I defy the laws of the real world when I say I can still smell you on it.

Forever yours,

Lynne."

I gently folded the paper, placed it in an ivory envelope I found in one of the drawers crammed with stuff, and tucked it into my purse.

"Mom", I called her, from the living room.

"I'm here."

I followed her voice to my room. She rocked Connor in her arms.

"I'm going to take a shower, will you be able to give Connor a bath in the meantime?"

"Of course, dear. What will you want for dinner?"

I lowered my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Nothing."

My mom looked at me scared.

"Do you still have the car seat? The one I decided to leave in your car the last time I brought Connor with me?"

"I do, but why?"

"I'm going to Pineville. Can I use your car?"