Light in the Dark

Chapter Seven

     Ignoring Ava and Darik proved to be a bigger challenge than I thought, they were always around and Ava always sat where I sat at lunch and walked me to class if she could, same with Darik, he was in three of my classes and we walked together. I needed to tell them to back off. Why? They are the closest things you have to friends besides Michael. Ava doesn't deserve to get hurt. It won't matter, no matter what your decision is, Ava will eventually end up hating you, whether you decide to ignore her or not. You have to think about what's the best for you. My mind raced with all sorts of ways I could kindly ask Ava to stay away from me. Darik I wouldn't have a problem telling him to leave me alone, he was the easy approach but not Ava. I had to do it after school today.

     I had made the decision during the final minutes of Chemistry. I religiously eyed the clock, waiting for the bell to ring and when it did, I took a long time putting my stuff into my backpack and I kind of hoped that Darik would just go and not wait for me but when I glanced up at the door, there he was standing there, looking out into the hall. When I got to the door, he walked out with me in silence, I just wanted to explode right in the hall but I needed to wait until we were outside.

"What's up with you?" Darik asked, the moment we stepped outside.

"Sorry?" His question had caught me off guard.

"You've been quiet, you've been avoiding me and Ava though she doesn't see it. Mariah, you've been acting weird for a couple of days now. Did I or Ava do something?" he asked. I continued walking, not answering him, which was annoying so he grabbed my wrist and spun me around then clasped onto my shoulders.

"Mariah, come on!" he whispered, antagonised. I took in a huge breath calling on all of my acting skills or lack thereof and prepared for the storm that was about to happen.

"Darik, I'm sorry but we can't be friends anymore, I can't be seen with you anymore. Please tell Ava that I'm sorry but it's better this way." I moved out of Darik's grip and started walking again but he only followed and stood in my path, forcing me to stop again.

"Did someone say something to you? Is someone threatening you?" he asked. I looked past him and saw one of Charlotte's girls. My body tensed and I glanced up to Darik again.

"No, nothing like that. It's hard for me to explain just - just please leave me alone. Ignore me, pretend that I don't exist and maybe pay more attention to Charlotte." After moving away from him again, I broke out into a run so he wouldn't try to stop me again.

When I got out of breath, I looked behind me and couldn't see him anymore. I kept walking, enraged at myself and furious at Charlotte. When I walked in the door, I didn't even greet Lucy. I just stomped straight into my room and sat on my bed fuming with anger then eventually started crying out of anger. Before the incident I had never cried. It was super rare to see me cry but I guess things change when you lose everything and it's your fault.

     I'm an awful person, how could I do this to Ava and Darik? What's wrong with me? I'm never going to find peace, I don't deserve peace. I want quiet. Head's too loud, need quiet. Can't have quiet. I deserve my suffering. My mind continued to spiral, hundreds of thoughts all racing through at the same time. I needed them to stop. I needed my razor but it was in the bathroom. No, I said I wouldn't do that anymore, but pain is what I deserved and I couldn't handle my mental pain anymore, so I had to switch to physical pain. I desperately looked around my room for anything sharp, anything that could break skin but nothing. The only hope I had was to make it to the bathroom and take care of things in there. Suddenly all went quiet. The thoughts had disappeared and the only thing left was the exhaustion from all that. I pulled out my phone, put in my headphones and listened to Black Veiled Brides and prayed to disappear from the world.