Innocence Lost (Official)

Chapter 11

"I'm sorry," I heard him tell me. "You don't even know how sorry I am right now," he pleaded, grabbing me by my wrist. I yanked my arm away and turned around viciously.

"And you don't even know how angry I am!" I snapped. "Sorry? Sorry? That's all you can think to say right now? Or 'it's complicated?'" I rubbed my eyes. "You lied to me. I'm through with all of these lies and secrets and sheltering as though it should matter! Was that the job I wasn't allowed to know about? Or was it something else? What does the chip do? Was it actually worth killing two people?" I interrogated, firing the questions at him. "What makes it okay to judge that? You can't even answer, can you because it either means admitting what you did was wrong and facing it or it means actually telling me the truth." There was a pause, but then I laughed dryly. "And I blame myself actually for-for actually trusting the man who kidnapped me." I think I might've seen a bit of hurt in his eyes, but I didn't care. He'd hurt me plenty of times, so why should I?

"I don't know what you want me to say," he said in defeat. His eyes looked bright and sympathetic and as always he looked attractive. I hated what he did, but what I hated most was how I felt nearly willing to forgive him all so he could hold me and tell me it was okay. This entire time he had been my only sense of comfort here, but also sense of terror and I didn't need that.

"I mean I really am sorry," he continued.

"Which part?" My lips trembled as tears gathered in my eyes and I bit down on it before I continued. "The part where you kidnapped me? The part where I can no longer see my family anymore and I don't have any way to get an education or pursue whatever dreams I could've had? Or are you sorry about how you just killed the one guy to ever make me feel special and important and-and not like a freak right in front of me? Or are you sorry I was conned into assisting you with it?" I listed. He was silent. "There's many options for your remorse, go on right ahead and pick one."

"You didn't have anything to do with that-"

"I had everything to do with it!" I screamed unintentionally. My head was pounding and I was still sweating. I began to heave, but nothing came out. I guess I've already discharged all of my insides.

Harry's warm comforting arms once again had found me as he cooed, "Let's just get you to bed."

"How many people have you killed?" I asked him once I'd stopped. "Just-Just give me an estimate."

I got away from him once more, staring at him expectantly. He was just the same, not saying a word. "I don't think I should say."

My body got chills and it wasn't the wind outside. I bit my lip and gulped as I processed that and all its possible meanings. I shook my head. "Wrong answer." We were both helplessly quiet for a moment but then I spoke again. "I am going to bed," I began. I looked directly at him. "But not with you. I don't even want you to walk me to my bed. I just want us to part ways from here and..." I closed my eyes, a few tears spilling. "I just really need to be alone at the moment and I also need you to respect that and me." I didn't want to say goodbye to him. I was angry at him, but some part of me was tethered to him. I was addicted to his warmth and his touch. I would miss his arms holding me all because a different part of him held a part of me that couldn't escape. "So please don't talk to me," I whispered. "And don't touch me. And..." I breathed in deeply, finishing my request. "Just let me go." I turned away from him afterwards, not daring to look at him. I didn't want to know his reaction. I just wanted to do what was best for me. I had to. So I walked away and left him there.

-

It's amazing how habits work.

My relationship with Harry, or rather Harry in himself, to me wasn't exactly like a drug. Let's at least pretend so for the sake of you not having to hear the cliche comparison repeated. No, he was a habit.