The White Phoenix 11: A Falcon and the Winter Soldier Fanfiction

Chapter 1: Self-Loathing

Time seemed to flit by in the former soldier's mind. It wasn't the same without Adelaide by his side. When she shrugged on a pretty navy blue dress that fit her just right, gave him a quick kiss, and told him she had to go to something with Sam Wilson, it wasn't the same. He hated being alone, and the messed up blankets on the floor were evidence of that. She was there, though, to soothe him when he had his nightmares, and he was there for hers. His mind was elsewhere, sitting in Dr. Raynor's therapy room that morning. After having seen her own therapist, Adelaide had recommended he see Dr. Raynor, but he'd refused. It was only after he'd been given a governmental pardon and the doctor was assigned to his case, then he went. He had no choice. He had to go. He wore the dark jacket and thick black gloves that he always wore, not wanting to attract attention to the handsome black-and-gold vibranium arm that sat, attached to his shoulder. 

The therapy room seemed a little too comfortable for his liking. There was a forest background behind him, painted and placed in a frame. The paint on the walls was white, the forest scene all pretty shades of greens and browns, almost making it seem as if it had come alive. Everything was too much for him; the couch too big, the room too spacious, the therapist too unsympathetic. Adelaide didn't exactly like Dr. Raynor's mannerisms towards her patients either, but she knew how to cut to the point. 

'So, Mr. Barnes, are you still having nightmares?' the middle-aged therapist asked. He said nothing. 'James, I asked you a question.' His jaw locked, gritting in silent anger. He hated when anyone called him that, except her. Except Adelaide. 

'No,' he said out loud, small and silent, but she heard it. 

'We've been doing this long enough that I can tell when you're lying,' she replied, her tone brooking no argument. 'Well, you seem a little off today. Did something happen recently?'

'No.' 

'You're a civilian now. With your history, the government needs to know that you're not gonna...' She raised a fist in the air, waving it slightly for emphasis. 'It's a condition of your pardon. So, tell me about your most recent nightmare.' 

'I didn't have a nightmare,' he replied, his eyebrows raised slightly. She breathed deeply and pulled out a pen, starting to write in her notebook. 'Oh, come on. Really? You're gonna do the notebook thing? Why? It's passive aggressive.'

'You don't talk, I write.' He sighed loudly, exasperated.  

'Okay, okay. I crossed a name off the list of my amends yesterday. Don't worry. I used all your three rules. Senator Atwood. She was a HYDRA pawn for years. Helped her get into office when I was the Winter Soldier.' 

Bucky sneaked closer to the silver car, placing a device on the underside of the right front wheel, looking around left and right. The device beeped, corresponding with the tablet in his gloved hands. 

'And after HYDRA disbanded, she continued to abuse the power that I gave her.' 

'Make this go away,' Senator Atwood said. He was crouching in a corner, listening to everything she was saying. 'If Congressman Lockhart wants to speak up, silence him for good.' 

'So, rule number one,' the therapist said, 'you can't do anything illegal.' 

Suddenly, the car was started, the doors automatically locked. 'What the hell?' He pressed the red button on his tablet, sending the car reversing straight back. 

'All I did was give some intel to the aide to convict her. And I wasn't involved in anything else.'

The tires screeched again, sending it barrelling forward to a quick stop, parked haphazardly in front of some parking poles. 

'Rule number two?' 

'What was rule number two?'

'Nobody gets hurt. It's a big one.' 

'Then why isn't it rule number one?' She said nothing, just stared at him. 'I didn't hurt anybody.'

'Come on!' Senator Atwood shouted, pulling on the car door. He came close, the window winding down. 

'Remember me?' he asked the senator. 

'I promise,' he said to the therapist. 

The aide tried to point a gun at him, but with a sudden whirring of his metal arm, he twisted the gun out of his hand and hit him in the face, rendering him unconscious. She stared at him in terror. 

'And what about rule number three? The whole point of making amends is to fulfill rule number three.' 

'You know, you're a cynic, Doc. Of course, I completed rule number three.' 

The window was still wound down as he made his statement. 

'I am no longer the Winter Soldier. I...' 

'... am James 'Bucky' Barnes...'

'... and you're part of my efforts to make amends.' He flashed a small smile at the therapist. She was not amused, as usual. 

Sirens sounded in the background. He walked away from the heavily breathing, shocked senator, his work complete. 

'So, you did it all right, but it didn't help with the nightmares.' 

'Well, like I said, I didn't have any,' he replied matter-of-factly. She breathed deeply again. 

'Look... one day, you're gonna have to open up and understand that some people really do want to help you and that they can be trusted.' 

'I trust people.' 

'Yeah. Give me your phone.' He leaned over and handed the therapist his phone. She flipped it open and looked at it, pressing buttons, the phone beeping. 'You don't have ten phone numbers on this thing.' The phone beeped again. 'Oh, and you've been ignoring the texts from Sam. And you hardly keep in contact with your wife, aside from the occassional phone call or text. Look, you've gotta nurture friendships - especially if you want to keep your wife around. I am the only other person you have called all week. That is so sad.' She tossed him his phone and he caught it with ease. 'You're alone. You have no history, no family...' 

'Are you lashing out at me, Doc? Because that's really unprofessional, you know? When did that start? Yelling at your clients?' She pulled out the notebook again. 'Oh, the notebook. That's great.' He sighed for what felt like the millionth time that morning, tired of her drilling him for answers. Tired of - of all of this. He couldn't crawl into a corner, though. 'All right, give me a break. I'm trying, okay? This isn't... This is new for me. I didn't have a moment to deal with anything, you know? I had a little... calm in Wakanda. And other than that, I just went from one fight to another for 90 years.' 

'So, now that you've stopped fighting, what do you want?'

'Peace.' 

'That is utter bullshit.'

'You're a terrible shrink.' 

'I was an excellent soldier, so I saw a lot of dead bodies, and I know how that can shut you down. And if you're alone, that is the quietest, most personal hell. And James, it is very hard to escape. Look, I know that you have been through a lot, but you've got your mind back, you are being pardoned. I mean, those are good things. You're free.' 

'To do what?'