Left In The Dark

Chapter 1

"I don't want to be here." I whined taking the childish approach again.

"I think it's best for you Beyoncé." Kelly insisted.

Michelle stopped tugging and gave my hand a soft squeeze.

"Beyoncé, you need help...and that's what we're here to give you." She admitted.

"That's right Bey. You know ever since…" Kelly began at first but then pursed her lips. She looked at me and then to her Michael Antonio- clad feet. "Ever since Shawn..."

I held my hand up keeping her from finishing her sentence. She knew that topic was off limits.

"Kelly please." I whispered in a choked-up tone, fighting back tears.

Every time I heard his name my heart would stop for a split-second. And after my heart re-gained it pace, each new beat would leave an aching pain that resonated in my body.

"No Beyoncé. I'm not gonna dance around your feelings anymore."
I was taken aback by her sudden and blunt response. I could see the frustration in both of them. We stood there looking at each other, though my vision of her became blurry.
These damn tears.
These same tears.
These old tears.
Kelly saw my hurt and normally she would say, it's ok Bey, and the subject would subsequently change. He wouldn't be brought up again. However, this time it was clear that the past avoidances took its toll her patience. The tension caused by her stern expression: wrinkled forehead, thinned lips, and non-adverted eyes, was so thick it was crushing against the sidewalk.
"Shawn is dead ok! He can't come back and it's time you moved on both mentally and emotionally." She harshly stated.

My mouth slightly fell open as her words pierced through me like a dagger. I was speechless. I clenched my teeth as I soaked it all in. My lips trembled from the emotional war that was going on inside me. How could she say that? Every part of me wanted to fight her. Choke, slap, punch, and kick her for what she said; but I couldn't. Deep down I knew she was right. It has been a long time. I did need to move on. But how could I? Shawn was my heart. And when your heart dies…
I hung my head low finally allowing the tears to triumphantly roll down my face. My emotions once again got the better of me. I turned my back on them until I felt Kelly pull me into a loving embrace.

"Beyoncé, I'm sorry. It's just...I'm worried about you. We both are. You haven't been the same since then." She replied softly rubbing her hands up and down the length of my arms. "I mean you never come out with us anymore. You're always staying home sleeping your life away, you're constantly crying and...and you…" her voice trailed off. "even tried to kill yourself!" She finished before lifting my head up to wipe away one of my tears.
I shook my head from out of her consoling hands and looked at the ground. I remember that day. It was my darkest and lowest point. I shuddered, immediately remembering the cold chill of life leaving my body and instinctually I held onto my arms for warmth. Kelly went back to stroking my arms as if she knew exactly what part of that memory I was reliving.

"Now as your friends we're concerned about your health" She looked over at Michelle who nodded with her own arms wrapped around herself. She smiled weakly before finishing Kelly's sentence.
"And we think…" she shook her head before correcting herself. "we know you're suffering with depression." She confessed now standing next to me with her hand rested on my shoulder. I looked at their faces and saw their concern in me, but I still felt that there was no need for this. That being here was unnecessary.

"We think counseling therapy would help." Kelly concluded, complete with a soft squeeze at my wrists.

"It'll do you some good." Michelle added in her two cents.

They both took me by each hand and led me towards the building. Upon approaching, I was able to catch my reflection in the building's tall glass doors. I stared at myself. My reflection stared back. She looked frightened. She looked trapped. I stopped dead in my tracks right before we hit the doors. I swear it felt like she was telling me to turn around and head home.
They tugged on my hands. "Come on!" Michelle coached.
"No no please. I promise I'll go out more often with you guys" I said trying to bargain. "Just please…don't make me go." I begged looking at that pitiful reflection of myself on the other side of that building.
"Beyoncé we are not sending you to a slaughter house. It's just therapy!" Kelly said.
I personally didn't see the difference between the two. She gave me another good tug, enough to cause me to budge. A few more tugs later we entered the place, with me fighting the entire way, and walked straight to the front desk. The secretary looked up with her headset on like a headband over her blond tresses and flashed a plastic smile.