The name's Andrew. I'm a new college student, and I'm going into teaching. I'm not sure what vein yet, but if my sights don't change, it'll be English. Or Art. Or Theatre. Really, I'm just passionate about teaching. Or at least I think I will be? We'll see when we get there. I'm sort of a loner on this website; I've come to learn I'm not very social when it comes to social networking. But if you chat with me, I'm bound to chat back with you. Just give me something interesting to work with.

"You will walk differently alone, dear, through a thicker atmosphere, forcing your way through the shadows of chairs, through the dripping smoke of the funnels. You will feel your own reflection sliding along the eyes of those who look at you. You are no longer insulated; but I suppose you must touch life in order to spring from it."

- F. Scott Fitzgerald
  • Location:
    Elvis Presley's Coffin
  • Joined:
    2 years ago

Reading Lists

Read Later
5 stories
1 stories

6 Published Works

Featured work.

[ normal ]

Social data: 196 reads. 19 votes. 1 comments.

Description: Well, I suppose you can say my life is normal. I have two parents, four grandparents, and two or three cousins. I'm the older of two kids -- the nuclear family average -- and I'm doing well in school (but not exceedingly well). I have one best frie...

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wolfsheim posted a message

Liking this new profile layout...


You have a great start here! I don't really think I have much to critique because it looks as if you know exactly where you're going with it, plus it reads so well. To catch some more readers -- and this is just a suggestion -- you could insert something more concrete about what happened to her. I love the phrase, "that almost end," and how you wrote about her amnesia. But some readers (and I tend to be one of them) aren't so quick to catch on to what that means (unless of course they read the beginning summary). Not saying you should hand-feed them your story, but if you were to insert anything, I would add that, and subtly. Your grammar is pretty good; I think you could do to re-work a sentence or two. I don't know if you can edit while competing for the YWP, but if you can, try changing this: "My past was governed by my present need for answers(,) yet I..." ~ The rest of the line is a bit of a run-on. I don't want to re-work the sentence itself, though -- that would take away from your voice. Try and brainstorm ways you can re-work it without hurting too much of the text. Sometimes I cheat and use semi-colons or long dashes; I pass that blessing onto you. And also, add the commas where I surround them with parentheses. "Amongst it all(,) there was Tom(,) and he..." ~ There's nothing really wrong here besides needing those commas. "... and when too overwhelmed by other people's pity to breathe." ~ This end of the line bothers me. Don't try and extend the verb (in this case, "embraced") if the previous usage of it is long or descriptive, because it doesn't seem connected at all. Try something like "... and comforted me when I was too overwhelmed..." or something to the same effect. Final note -- is the mysterious boy's eyes blue or indigo? You say he has red eyes through the piece but use indigo in the last line. Other than that, it's really good!


This is a great opener. For most wattpad books I usually skim a lot and end up not reading the story, but this was the exact opposite! I'm definitely reading more of this. Wish you the best in the competition!