FunkamoidFlex

Here we go, a summary of me. 
I keep my hair short because I hate that I'm getting gray, and I simply do not feel as old as I am. I don't care for loud things, that's the extent of my oldness. I would burn a thousand busloads of people into extinction in front of their families and film it on YouTube to prevent my child from having a mildly bad day. I'm looking for a house with an open concept, a lot of space, in a good school zone, and hopefully, hopefully, a spot to build my own Irish pub in the back yard. I secretly envy the skilled break-dancers of the world. If I were super rich, I would fit the term "bat-shit insane" to the letter; as it is, I am not rich, so my weirdness is diminished solely because of lack of funds. I am a complete extrovert with animals and never miss a chance to pet a dog or a cat, ever, and I'm not ashamed of it. I read too much, and care for politics too little. I cough when I drink good scotch, but it doesn't stop me. I don't work out enough, which is sad, because my dreams of being a monster Viking lord are fast diminishing, though I gave it a good shot for a while. If I were in a fight with someone, my first attack would invariably be a head-butt, which shows my lack of intelligence quite well. I do not, I repeat, I do not recognize my "work self" as someone who is real. He is merely a character I've created over the years to get through the day without anyone realizing that I'm unfit for the position. Consequently, work has become theatre for me, and the lies of who I am have become hard to keep up with. I do not like bananas, though I have tried time and time again to enjoy them. It's just not happening. I have come to understand that old people are just slowly melting young people who are continuously wondering what the fuck is happening to them. I am both fascinated and terrified by women, and my wife more so on both counts. If left up to me, I will drink enough coffee to make myself hallucinate.