behind the streams | dnf

nine | aspect

GEORGE

"I guess I knew."

The pause that follows is judgmental, I know it.

"You knew," Sapnap repeats slowly. "What the fuck does that mean?"

Pressing my hand to the side of my face, I quietly consult whatever descriptions I can. "Well, I knew it was wrong. Very quickly." The immediate wash of guilt as soon as he hung up, the awful night that followed as I was kept awake by self-derision.

Rubbing my eyes with my sleeve, I blink numbly at the monitors. "I... it was just the moment. I got riled up, and then I said those things out of... anger."

I remember it, rising up in all its compulsiveness and absolutely disregarding the concern of how others feel. All that mattered was... myself.

Not myself. Him.

I look over his icon in Discord. I got like this over him.

My head falls into my waiting hand as I hastily shove the thought away.

"Pretty sure it's obvious by now," I muddle. "But I regret it. A lot. And, I knew it was wrong."

A sarcastic hum emits from the call and I can't really pick out who it's from. There's the muted urge to laugh but I don't have the energy to.

"Pretty sure this doesn't need to be said," I set my mouth into a flat line. "But... sorry. For real."

Sapnap lets out an audible exhale. "Yeah. Okay. Um, thanks."

There's a yawn from Dream that muffles his next words. "I'm going to be honest, this was actually worse than I thought," he muses.

"I told you," Sapnap answers, without missing a beat. "And you insisted."

"How could I not?" Dream fires back with a slight laugh. "If you two are fighting, I have to do something."

"Did you expect this?" I pipe up hesitantly. "What did you think it was about?"

"Oh, I thought of so much, and nothing even close to this," Dream waves me off. "Like the dumbest things and I thought this was going to be super pointless. Just joking," he laughs as both of us erupt in indignant protests.

"Well, I am," he revises. "When you sent that text," he directs at Sapnap. "I knew it was actually something bad this time."

Slight traces of shame still crawl below my skin. Self-consciously I clear my throat. "Yeah... I did something bad."

"No shit," Sapnap mutters in no attempt to conceal, and a reluctant grin itches to show.

Dream lets out a slow breath. "Yeah. Um. That, wasn't it."

My heart drops slightly.

The growing smile falters. I ask myself why his disapproval hits harder even as deep down, I acknowledge the slippery slopes I'm beginning to look over. I press my lips together and stare at the dark desktop as the same nag from the prior night returns.

A sigh from the call draws me back. Looking up, Dream begins to speak.

"What now?"

Silence meets him for half a second. "What do you mean?"

"What now," he repeats. "Now... that you know. Sapnap."

"Know what?" he asks dumbly.

Dream suppresses with tempered patience. "You know what we've talked about. So, do we just... continue? Like it is?"