Christmas Lights

Empty Hospital Bed

It's been about a year now of the continuous hospital visits, different medicine prescriptions, sleepless nights, and all the fees that come with. I've been nothing but a nuisance. A dying nuisance. 

My mom and sister are always worried sick about me. I mean, I'm not saying I don't get why. I obviously do. If Fuyuka was in my position, I honestly don't know what I'd do. 

But it's almost weird, I used to want to die so badly.. Now here I am, struggling to live. Although I'm not saying I'm not afraid of it, I've never really been scared of dying. Even so, It's pretty intimidating now that it's actually happening.

During these past two months, I've been in the hospital. All I'm doing is sitting around waiting to die, honestly. I'm just laying in bed all day, watching myself get sicker as my mom and sister work their asses off to pay for my hospital bills and everything in between. 

I've never been so tired of these four walls. I've been thinking of just getting up and going for a while now. It's always been my thing to just get up and go, maybe that's why anytime I had a job I'd never spend any of my paychecks. 

I've always kept my own money stash, just because. But as October is nearing and my condition is worsening, I don't think I can just sit here and pretend I don't see what's happening anymore. 

During the past few weeks, I've been asking the nurses not to give any negative updates to my family on my health. I'm not asking them to lie to them and say I'm getting better, but they don't know about how bad I've gotten so it makes it easier for me to leave.

I don't wanna sit here anymore. I'd rather my family not watch me die. I don't want them to see me like this anymore. 

So.. I've decided to leave. Call me what you want. This might be selfish, I might be worrying them even more. But it isn't like I'm just disappearing without a trace. I left a note that read off as, 

"Hey. I'm sorry for leaving like this. I hope one day the two of you can forgive me. I can't stand by as I watch myself get sicker and see the two of you working yourselves ragged trying to pay all the bills. I'm sorry for all the heartache I've caused you two. I love you guys very much. Mom, thank you for everything. Please take care of Fuyuka for me. Fuyuka, take care of mom. Care for each other. You two will be fine, so please. Let me spend my remaining time on my own. Don't look for me. I love you.

-Your favorite sick kid."

I left the hospital, and that note about four hours ago. I got on the nearest bus shortly after. I don't know where this bus is going, but that doesn't matter. I want to go far, far away from this town. All that's left there is grieve after all. 

Besides, I plan to stick around till Christmas. I want to experience Christmas one last time. I've always loved Christmas, it's always been my favorite time of the year. And why would I spend my remaining time in that stupid hospital when I can spend it in another city, somewhere no one knows me as the dying pitiful kid. I'm tired of everyone looking at me with the same pity filled look in their eyes. 

If I'm dying, then I want to go out with a bang. No regrets, no "I wish I could've done this", "I wish I could've done that" shit. I don't want to sit around being a living grieve box anymore. 

Plus, it's kind of my brand to leave with no trace after all. Just because I'm dying, that won't change.