Vacillating

If it is meant to be, it will be. I did not believe in this. I believed that if you want something you go get it. But there comes a time when your beliefs are tested. When everything I did to make something happen, never worked out and each time I did not get what I wanted even though I went all out for it, I began losing faith in my belief. Yet somehow I kept trying. I tried no matter what. I tried though I was blinded by the tears that tried to prevent me from trying. No matter how much pain I incurred in the process, I kept trying.

Unfortunately, this ‘never give up’ spirit didn’t really apply to the things that count like classes, exams, sports or whatever mattered to the society in general. This spirit blazed relentlessly for something as petty as human relationships. Once I decide to give it my all, I don’t stop until I’m battered. It is very stupid. I fully comprehend the stupidity of my actions. Yet, I cannot stop myself. Perhaps it is the thrill of the chase that keeps me going. Maybe it is hope. Hope is a truthfully weaved lie.

My beliefs have begun to waver ever since someone close to me pointed out my unfruitful efforts. She drilled her policy of ‘the universe will make it happen if it is meant to be’ into my head each time we spoke. Taking into consideration the fact that I give her quite an influential position in my life, I thought that maybe I’ve been wrong all this time. It made me doubt my actions. She said that it was okay to try once or at most twice, but that a girl has got to have some self respect. Did I not have any? I joked that I did not. Later I pondered over it. What if she is right? Perhaps I should give this alternate belief a try.

Hence, I stopped trying. I struggled to stop myself from trying to make things happen. My old ideology had such deep roots in me that it was quite difficult to just do nothing and wait for things to happen.  I did nothing. Nothing happened. A part of me wanted to go back to my old strategy of going out there and doing things because at least then, something would happen. The other half urged me to give it time. The universe knows what is best and if something absolutely ‘has’ to happen, it would. That fact is somehow comforting.

It has only been a little over a month since I allowed the universe to take control of my life. I guess I am not being fair by judging it already. I gave my spirit a lot more time to do as it pleased, to strip me off every last bit of self respect and to go well beyond my comfort zone to make things happen. Yet, the results were unfavourable. It was only a matter of time before I pried the controls out of my unheeding spirit and let it out to the universe.

Now, I’m just sitting back and waiting; just letting the universe do as she pleases. I wish she would do something, anything if only to pacify my patience which might break free any moment and go on a rampage like an elephant running amok.