Fight To Forgive

Knowledge Of Difference

There comes a point in time when suddenly you notice a switch in interests. The school playground used to be two groups, the boys and the girls playing their stereo typical games, talking and giggling. The girls start getting a bit more gigglier and sillier, a bit of pointing and whispers. There are glances at the other species from some of the girls. Nudges and blushes. The boys start to become lads. The games a bit rougher. Leadership of the pack is fought over. There is pointing and laughing. The leaders start preening themselves and showing off. They start ridiculing the weaker boys to make themselves stand out and be more important.

Reminds me of the Blackbox Recordersong 'The facts of life'

A boy is just eleven
When he begins to grow in high at a faster rate that they have done before
They develop curiosity and start to fantasise
About the things that have never thought of doing before
These dreams are no more harmful than
The usual thoughts the boys have of becoming football stars or millionaires
As long as they distinction fantasy and fiction remains
It's just a nature walk

It's just the facts of life
There's no master plan
Walk me home from school Chorus
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It's just the facts of life

A boy sits by the telephone, wanting to call a girl
But not dare to because she may say no
At last he took ook the courage
And discovered someone else has asked her first and she says yes
Now it's time to deal with the fear that he has been rejected
Now it gets into life being without hurt
At this point this boy is listening to this song
And is probably saying it's easy and said and done and it's true

It's just the facts of life Chorus

It's just the facts of life (Sweet dreams)
There's no master plan (Ideas)
Walk me home from school (Sweet dreams)
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas (Sweet dreams)
And when you sleep at night (Ideas)
They develop into sweet dreams (Sweet dreams)
It's just the facts of life

This song reminds me of all the connections that it has, that I didn't have

This is the beginnings of giddy pairing and the 'mating' process that leads on to coupling, pairing, dating and normal teen activities as boys discover girls and nature starts to take its normal trajectory.

And in the normal world, maturity, reaching out, boy/girl discovery, exploration, closeness, attachments and puppy love would flow naturally and to its normal conclusions.

For those left behind from the initial rush out of the 'cradle' there is a period of adjustment. We all mature at different rates, so there is no cause for alarm as we watch on as the first chicks out of the nest are experimenting and finding their way. Walking down the corridor, hands almost holding, more like hand sliding. Blushes and giggles as they explore, cuddles and kissing at lunchbreak...passing down the road to adulthood, gaining confidence as they go. The rest of us watch on, at this time just waiting for the moment we leave this nest.

Gradually, one by one people leave the two camps, dipping their toes in the real world and maturity, love and lust. My pool of yet to starts is getting smaller and smaller.

There is a new feeling starting to show its head amongst us. Apprehension. Wonder at watching the others. Admiration of their courage to dive in and swim,

The 'Remainers' pool gets smaller and there is the beginnings of a sense

of fear. Why were we not moving on? What was wrong. Why have we not taken the step and why no interest from the other side. They looked just as puzzled as us!

It's coming up to parties and dancing time of the year. Some of us are still yet to 'engage' with the enemy.

The school Christmas party, After the meal, the music starts in the blacked-out school hall. Music starts to blare out and the lights are low. The brave few who started this journey first and the 'quick learners' are dancing and cuddling in the middle of the dance floor. There is one couple whose shirts are undone. Her naked breasts are rubbing against his bare chest...her nipples seem huge. Their eyes are closed and there is joy all over their faces. The rest of us look on. A mixture of awe, lust, curiosity, admiration and many types of interest.

Some alcohol has secreted itself into the hall. The teachers who are watching, manage to avoid seeing all sorts of things. The awkwardness is beginning to ease.

The first slow music starts playing. It's my time to leave the nest. I feel 'vodka' brave and walk up to the most good-looking girl in my class and ask her to dance. I have noticed her looking at me and quickly looking away if she caught my eyes looking in her direction.

She said yes! Now, after a quick look around, how difficult can this be, hold her tight and kinda sway a bit. She leaned in and pecked my cheek with her lips. I blushed like hell and I am sure I started sweating a little. I felt brave and pecked her cheek with my lips. Inside I giggled. I felt my legs jumping off the edge of the nest. Thank god. There is nothing wrong with me!!!!!!

She twisted her head faster than I could react. My brief peck touched down on her lips. OMG. There was a pause. We were just looking into each other's eyes. This was the special moment. We just looked at each other. Was it five second or five minutes? No idea. Our lips slowly met and they rubbed together. My heart was racing, trying to jump out of my chest. Her lips parted, I mirrored the action and two peoples soft damp lips started to rub, move, kiss.

Her tongue slipped passed my lips and started to explore the inside of my mouth. This was new!! What should I do? My body and mind were taking over, hesitantly at first, but more confidently I reciprocated with my tongue. They don't give you lessons for this.

We had stopped dancing and were oblivious to anyone around us. I didn't want this moment to end. Then nature took it too far and too fast. There was something happening in my trousers. I felt funny at first. There was a weird tight feeling. I had swollen up in my pants and my tackle was poking her firmly just below her tummy. She gave me a funny look. I wasn't paying attention. I pulled my hips away from her so I wasn't touching her, blushed, didn't know what to do. She just let me go like a hot potato and ran off. My misconnections hit me and I ran out of the hall crying. I got my coat and set off home. Twelve months later at the same party I was kissing and groping and all sorts of things like a real pro.

But that night, walking home, I just knew that I had mishandled this situation. This coming out had not gone as god and nature had intended. On Monday at school I saw her and went to apologise, not sure for what exactly, just needed to do it. I mumbled something to her and she said something, but I couldn't wait to get away. What in Gods name was wrong with me? It could have just been inexperience, shyness, lack of something, but deep down I knew that something was wrong with me. I couldn't seem to find the paths that everyone else around me was walking, running, skipping and dancing down. I withdrew from everyone. I sat on a bench in the playground alone not looking at anyone.

All I could hear was people joking, laughing, kissing, playing. The odd slap and a scream, the odd funny kind of giggle.

But I was not part of this world. I was not part of this journey. I was not feeling anything. No emotions, no physical feeling. I didn't care. I wasn't interested in anything. I was scared and lonely. I was on my own.

I was different! Why? What had I done?

Just different