Death of a Consulting Detective

Red

Blog Draft I - October 13, 2013

~Red. It can be such a lovely color. Painted along the delicate petals of the flowers outside. Autumn leaves decorating the baby blue sky as they blow gently in the cool air, indicating that winter is just around the corner. But I've seen too much red in my lifetime. What was once a beautiful color in my eyes has been tainted by my years as a consulting detective, well more like an assistant to a consulting detective. The shade of red I'm more familiar with is much darker and a lot more metallic. A shade of red that never bothered me until now. Until he....until Sherlock........... God I can't even say it. The point is I don't wish to see the color red anymore. It reminds me of him and that horrid day already haunts me every time I close my eyes.
He won't leave my mind. His face. All the red. It won't go away. I thought maybe a little time away from the flat would help but it only made it worse. My job told me to take some time off until I felt better, of course that was a little over a year ago and nothing has changed. Every morning I'll wake up, sit around all day, then at night I'll go to sleep. Ms. Hudson visits my new flat every once in awhile to make sure I'm eating properly. If it weren't for her I would've died because I haven't had the will to eat ever since the incident. I've decided to quit my job today and devote my time to seeing my old therapist in hopes that she will get him out of my head.

Maybe it's the violin, which is one of the few things from 221B that I moved into the new flat, that brings me into such a depression every time I wake up. How it sits by his music stand untouched and never to be played again. Or maybe it's the unfinished song he was composing that's lying on the stand itself. I wish I knew what it was that's causing this. I want to know so bad so I can make it stop. Dammit Sherlock why do you have to do this to me?! Was it your dying wish to annoy the hell out of me for the rest of my life because it's working! Please just stop and let me mourn for Christ's sakes!
What if I start blogging again? Would blogging about some of our solved crimes help in any way? Maybe talking about him, sharing how I feel, would relieve me of some of this stress; allow me to live in peace. That's what I'll do. I'll blog about some of our smaller cases for London to read about. I bet you 20 pounds that'll be one of the things my therapist will instruct me to do when I meet with her later on this week. That's what she told me to do after I got out of the military because I was shot in the leg. According to her blogging about everything could heal every major mental illness. She might even believe that blogging could cure cancer.

This would be so much simpler if Sherlock hadn't....passed on. Bloody hell!! Why does everything happen to me?! Why'd you have to go out and track Moriarty?! Why'd you-..

I-I'm sorry...I can't continue that thought. I looked over at his chair momentarily and...

Listen, I just can't. He's dea-.. I mean gone. He's gone, yes that's right, and yelling about it won't help at all.
Sometimes I miss all the idiotic situations he got me involved with. How I've almost died so many times because of him. Maybe if I had I wouldn't have to deal with this loss, this heavy burden. No, stop dammit! I can't think that way. I can't let this get to me!

Why am I even typing this entire thing still? It obviously isn't helping me. I'm literally just talking to myself about how bloody sad I am. Wouldn't it just be easier to say, "Hello John, it's John, and I am deeply saddened because Sherlock decided to jump off a damn building!!"

................................................
I can't even say that..

Oh God..

Look at me Sherlock.

Look at me.

Look at the dark circles under my eyes.
Look at the tears running down my face.

Look at me Sherlock! Have you even thought about me?!

Did you ever think about me?!
Is this-..

Is this what you wanted for your best friend?!

Please tell me Sherlock! Please!

I'm a bloody mess..

I'm sorry but I have to go.. God dammit Sherlock........ ~