A Loveless Marriage

Chapter 18: Mary

The patch of damp on the ceiling had spread since I was last in this room, the tea-coloured stain making its way to the doorway.  I had should have taken better rooms, I could well afford them, but I sought comfort in the familiar, not in decor.  There were only two places to stay in Bishopton, the Grand Hotel and the Red Lion, and I could trust in the discretion of the landlady of the Red Lion.  The grey light of dawn had woken me, but I had not moved.  Instead, I memorised the pattern of the damp, trying to quell the sickness I felt at what I had to do.  My heart was awash with misery and shame.  Even after dressing, I sat on the bed unable to make myself go downstairs.  I cursed myself for this cowardice.

A plucky girl would have been striding through the Main Street by now, walking with a brisk purpose up the hill towards Chestnut Lodge, but I remained cowering in my room.  I longed to hear my father's footsteps on the stair, the cheerful knock and see his determined smile once more.  That smile, that smile had always given me the courage to rise.  Without him, this journey was unbearable, he had always been my stalwart, true and brave.  I felt his loss most keenly here, this was the place I always needed him the most.  I closed my eyes tightly and summoned the memory of his smile, the love and pain giving me the strength more than any prayer I had uttered.  

Chestnut Lodge was as it had ever been, built in the dark stone of the surrounding hills, it did not feel like it had been built, rather that it had stood forever like the rocks and ridges that surrounded it.  In contrast to the stone exterior, the walls inside were smooth and stark white, with very little decoration for few it would over-stimulate the residents.  I followed Matron, keeping my eyes fixed on the stiff hem of her black dress, rather than acknowledge the rooms on either side of the corridor.  I could not ignore the noises though, the babbling, the shrieks and the unnatural laughs.  These sounds haunted me.  When we reached the final door, Matron looked round to me, her lined face was square and tight.

      "She is having one of her more sullen days," she said calmly.  "Barely said a word this week.  I'll be waiting outside to escort you back to Dr Cleveland for his report."

My tongue felt swollen in my mouth, so I nodded in acknowledgement before stepping through the door to see Her.  That is always how I thought of the woman before me, no name, no title but just Her with a capital as though it was all that was needed to describe her. 

The greying hair was in a loose top knot, with uneven strands coming down to her shoulders.  It hurt to see the once elegant lady so slatternly, but at least it was it combed.   When I was a little girl, I had thought she was the most beautiful woman in existence, with fresh rosebuds nestled in her golden hair and gowns of the most fashionable designs, now she was in a plain black gown with dishevelled locks and it brought tears to my eyes.   I took a deep breath and stepped further into the room, she did not acknowledge my existence and continued to look out of the window, her hands loosely in her lap.  The thin sunlight on her face lit up her profile and her natural beauty, although fading, still remained. I could think of no words to say what I wanted, so I said the first word I had uttered to her.

     "Mama?"

My mother did not respond, she remained frozen in her thoughts and I had to remind myself to take another breath.  I could have stepped forward, taken her limp hand and said her name once more as I squeezed it gently but that was beyond my strength.

   "Mama?  It is me, Mary."

There was not even a flicker on her face, it was as though I was not even there.

   "Mary,"  I said again.  "Your daughter."

   "I know who you are," she said quietly without looking at me.