Dirt Poor (part two of I'm Only Living For You; A Ray Toro X Reader)

things which are scattered

The most pathetic thing I have ever done is watch my girlfriend sleep on my friend's couch, knowing that I was the douchebag who drove her to crash there. Nothing feels scummier than pushing your girlfriend to the point of crying to your burnout friend over why you're such a dick. All of my feelings about the person I was were coming true. I wasn't good enough for her, and I never would be. I was going to drive her away.

She didn't deserve this. She was so good to me, to my friends, to everyone.

Frank was in his room; he had retreated there to let me wallow in misery and guilt. All I could do was stand from the doorway of the kitchen and watch Y/n sleep quietly on the sofa.

Her face was barely visible under the ginormous fuzzy blanket heaped on top of her. Precious eyes and nose peeking out from between the folds, and slightly parted lips I used to kiss. Lips that used to smile. I made them smile once. If only I could do that again.

Her nose was twitching, scrunching as the rest of her body began to stir as well. She gave one small, sleepy grunt and opened her eyes just a sliver, gazing blurrily at the floor.

"Hey." I said, gently trying to pull her from her tired state.

She flattened one hand against her face and shoved her hair to the side, face scrunched up as she looked for the source of the voice. "Oh Oh hey honey, how are you?" She said, looking up at me.

"I'm alright, how are you doing sweetheart?" I answered, walking toward her and kneeling down in front of the couch.

"I'm okay...where's Frank?"

"He's in his room."

"Awww, don't tell me you put him in Time-Out!?" She giggled.

"No, more like he put me in Time-Out."

"Oh no, Raymond got in trouubllleeeee!"

"Yeah I did." I flipped up the collar of my jacket and gave her the worst sultry look of all time. "I guess I'm just sort of a bad boy."

She belly laughed and extended her hands to hold my face. "I missed you." She said. "I know it was just for a couple hours but I missed you anyway."

"I'm sorry you had to go away and miss me. I was acting like a huge fucking douchebag." I grabbed one of her hands with my hand and kissed it gently. "I'm really sorry for snapping at you like that."

"I forgive you."

"Really?"

"Of course."

"Why?"

She took a deep breath and exhaled. "Because everyone loses their shit sometimes. I'm still upset, but I'm not mad at you anymore." One of her hands played with my hair while she smiled and continued speaking. "I've spun out a few times; maybe you remember. And you brought me back to sanity and held me close to you. You yelling at me once could never make me stop loving you, Ray."

"I just feel like I'm not good enough for you sometimes. Like you don't need me anymore." I looked down at her other hand, which I was holding. It was so...nice. I felt each finger gently and a tear slipped down my face at the thought of never feeling them again.

"Oh Sweetheart, of course I need you!" Y/n pulled my face to hers and kissed my forehead. "I need you everyday! I couldn't do anything without you. I never would have moved away from CeCe if it weren't for you coming and rescuing me. I would still be stuck all alone. You are amazing. You amaze me everyday. Every night that I get to stand in the crowd at your shows, and watch you do your thing is a blessing, and I am blown away every time." Y/n paused for a moment, closing her eyes. "You helped me grow up, Ray. I'm not just some girl anymore, I'm an adult woman because of you. I'm still in college because of you. Every day I look at you and hope to God that I am able to make a life with you. I'm so sorry that I don't make you feel like you're a nessecary part of my life, because in every way you are. In every way."

"I love you very much, you know." I sniffled, laughing a bit.

"I know." She answered. "I love you very much too. Probably more."

"That's impossible," I smirked. "Because I love you the absolute most."

"Prove it, I dare you." She winked suggestively.

"I'd love to, but we gotta go home 'cause I am not going to fuck you on Frank's couch."

"Probably a good plan." She giggled. "Let's get outta here."

She pushed off the blanket and I helped her off of the couch. After slipping on her shoes, Y/n ran to Frank's room to tell him goodbye, then back to me, so we could go out the door together.

"You're sure you're not upset at me?" I asked as I unlocked the door to our apartment. "It just seems like there have been so many fuck-ups lately, and I wouldn't blame you if you were."

Y/n placed her hand over mine, which were unlocking the door, as if to halt me. I turned and looked down at her. "Fuck-ups happen." She said. "Its not always going to be perfect, y'know? We don't get to control much of what happens in life, and the best we can do is accept that and work around the fuck-ups that come about...okay?"

"Okay." I sighed a bit and finished unlocking the door. I took Y/n's hand and pulled her inside, and she shut the door behind us. I pulled her in close to me and brushed her hair back as I gazed into her eyes. I had managed to hang on to her, my girlfriend, my lady, my princess, my love and happiness and security. Lips - pretty, soft, - smiling at me once again. There was music in my life again. Bellowing in my ears, a supernatural anthem of sensuality and romance. Every little look, each kiss, fumbling with our hands cuddled up in the middle of the night, the soft flickering lights of the whirring television bouncing off of our faces. Each accent and staccato a memory of an act of love and affection and admiration, flowing into a waltz of our cramped little lives in that cramped little apartment. "I love you." I whispered, following it with a grin from ear to ear.

"I love you too."

"And I would LOVE it if you guys would buy more milk, 'cause you don't have ANY!" Someone's voice cut in. "Seriously, how do you not have ANY milk, like what??!?" I looked up, and Gerard was standing in the kitchen doorway, holding a bowl of dry cereal.

"Gerard, what the fuck?!" I yelled, letting go of Y/N.

"Why does this always happen to us?" Y/n groaned, walking past me into the bedroom.

"Dude, I'm sorry." Gerard said, putting the bowl down on the kitchen table. "Frank told me I should come over here just in case you guys broke up or something."

What good would that do? I thought. "He told you?!" I was incredulous to the scene unfolding in front of me. "And stop eating my food! We don't have enough money to feed other people!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry." Gerard raised his hands and backed up sheepishly, retreating further into the kitchen.

"Wait how did you even get in here?" I asked.

"Oh, uh... Frank made copies of his key before he gave it back to you."

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah, we all have copies. Me and Mikey and him."

"Get out." I pointed at the door. "Give me your key and leave before I paint this apartment red I swear to God."

Gerard frantically dug in his pocket and produced the key, which he hastily threw to me before speeding past me. "Alright good buddy, you have a good day then." He made sure the front door was shut tight behind him.

I beelined into the bedroom, finding Y/n re-arranging the bathroom medicine cabinet.

"I'm really sorry about that Y/n, I really wanted to make it up to you, and I didn't plan for that to hap-"

"It's alright honey." She laughed, gently closing the cabinet door. "Let's just forget about that, and go do something fun."

"Like what?"

"We should go to a show. Down to some club and go jump around." That actually sounded like a lot of fun. "I'm in the mood to get totally wasted to some shitty band and then make some questionable decisions, what about you?"

"Sounds great." I smirked.

"Well then get dressed for it." Y/n said, slinking past me. "We're going out tonight!"