☕︎︎𝐼𝑛𝑐𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑡 𝑇𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝑄𝑢𝑜𝑡𝑒𝑠☕︎︎

𝙊𝙣𝙚☕︎︎

Jasper:Tell me how on god did you two manage to get into an accident?

Alice:Well, we were driving and there was a deer on the road, and Bella didn't seem to notice, so I yelled, "Bella, deer!"

Jasper:And?

Alice:Tell him your answer Isabella Swan.

Isabella:...

Isabella:*sighs deeply* "Yes, dear?"

Jasper:*Facepalms*
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Isabella:Statistically, one in six people are gay.

Jasper:That means is one of us..

Edward:I hope it's Ja-

Rosalie:It's all six of us. We're all gay, dumbass.
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Esme:Hey, are you free on Friday? Like, around 8 P.M on Friday? *already knows the answer*

Isabella:Uh... yes...?

Esme:good, good. What about you?

Rosalie:... Yeah, I am.

Esme:Great! Because I'm not. Go on without me my beloved children. Enjoy your date. *wInK w0nK*

Isabella:Did she just-
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Alice:If I were a gardener, I'd put our tulips together.

Isabella: Awe

Edward to Carlisle: If I were a gardener, you'd be my hoe.

Carlisle:....Thanks?....
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Isabella:Hey Alice? You used to do Rosalie, right?

Alice: No, that's your job, dummy.

Isabella:What?

Alice:What?
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Isabella:The stars sure are beautiful tonight

Jacob:I know

Isabella:You know who else is beautiful?

Jacob:*blushing* Who?

Isabella:Rosalie Cullen.

Jacob:*Blinks the tears away*
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Isabella:Alice completes me.

Edward:Um, hello?

Isabella: You're nice too, Eddie boy.

Edward:I'm your husband-

Isabella:Yeah, but, Alice's my soulmate.
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Rosalie:No one is judging you. It's understandable. Isabella is strong and exotic and petite and beautiful and-

Edward:I am not having sex with Bella, but I'm starting to think that you are-
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[Isabella's phone starts ringing]
Emmett:[Looks at who is calling] You still call your dad 'daddy'?

Isabella:[Answers call and makes direct eye contact with Emmett, smirking] Hey Rosie!

Emmett:[chokes on tea]
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Alice:Isabella is my best friend, and if I love her, it's the way I'd love a sister.

Jessica: I have a sister, and if she looked at me that way, I'd have to talk with our dad.
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Isabella:Let me get this straight. More like let me run something bi you.

Emmett:Bi the look of it we need to work together

Alice:Les-be-an amazing team

Edward:I'm gay.
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Rosalie:I'm kind of jealous of you.

Isabella:What? Why?

Rosalie:Because your girlfriend is definitely hotter than mine. [Walks away with a grin]

Isabella:[Processing Data]Wait. You're my-

Also Isabella:
COMEBACKHEREYOULITTLESH-
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[After Jacob and Bella kiss]
Rosalie:You've got something on your face.

Jacob:[Lowkey confused] What?

Rosalie:The love of my life.
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Jasper:I mean, he is looking kinda good tonight...

Isabella:Jasper, if you don't hook up with Emmett tonight, I will hook you up with him for your own sanity.

Jasper:Then I'll do Rosalie.

Isabella:She would do you. She's a top.

Jasper:[Gay silence]
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Edward:*walking down the stairs* Is something burning?

Emmett:[leaning on the counter] Just my desire for you.

Edward:... Darling, the toaster in on fire.
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Rosalie:[Leans in all seductive and shit, gently holding Bella's face in her hands.]

Rosalie:[Smiles and leans down to meet Bella's lips.]

Bella:[DRAGS THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOWN BY HER NECK] IF I'M GOING DOWN YOU'RE COMING WITH ME! FUCK YOU FOR BEING TALL!
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Edward:Do you know why I invited you over?

Carlisle:Because I accidentally sent you a nude?

Edward:[Stops pouring wine into two glasses]

Edward:Accidentally?
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Drunk crackhead:We have your daughter!

Rosalie:... I don't have a daughter.

Drunk crackhead:Then who just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crusts off her sandwich?

Rosalie:Oh! That's Bella.

Drunk crackhead:W-What?

Rosalie:YOU HAVE MY WIFE!
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Alice:WOW is there anything you can't do?

Rosalie:Gather up courage to admit that I'm in love with you.

Alice:....What?

Isabella & Emmett, in the background eating chips:SHE SAID SHE'S IN LUV WITH YOU!
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