Lonely Lost & Found

Chapter Eleven: Thinking Too Much

I woke up to a knock on the door, I assumed it was Joyce.
Jack called "Come in!" and sure enough, it was Joyce who walked in with a box of Jack's stuff and a few things in a grocery bag. She was such a good mom. I wish my mom was attached like that. I mean, she was. She didn't want to see anything bad happen to me, but like I said before, we weren't close anymore. All it took was one of the biggest meltdowns I'd ever had to decide that neither of us were suitable to live together, and that I'd be better being more independent, because living under the same roof that my brother used to made me go even more insane than I was. 

I thought about that day. I wasn't sure what it was that caused the breakdown or the fight but it happened.

*"I can't do this anymore Alex!" My mother screamed.
"DO WHAT?!" I screamed back, I was barely 16. 
"DEAL WITH YOU! You keep losing control Alex! You punched a hole in the wall, you nearly kicked down the door! You're just like your brother was!" That's all she need to say.

Before this, I'd have mental breakdowns all the time, panic attacks, crazy freakouts where I just absolutely lost my mind, ripping my hair out, crying, screaming, and she tried to help me, she really did, but I pushed her away.
This time was the last straw for both of us.

"DON'T. EVER. TALK. TO. ME. ABOUT. HIM. EVER. AGAIN!" My words were livid. I was livid. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to throw up. How dare she talk to me about my brother? Did she not give a fuck how much I missed him? How I dreamed of him every night? Did she not care that I kept his guitar? Did she not care about me and my feelings? Did she fucking think that I was going to be like him and drink myself to death? Fuck her.

"THEN DON'T ACT LIKE HIM! I will NOT have another one of my kids destroying this house because they can't control themselves! I couldn't help him, and I'm trying to help you and you won't let me! He destroyed himself and I don't want you to destroy yourself Alexander!" 

"You can't help me! JUST LET ME FUCKING LEAVE!" 

"THEN GO!" She screamed right back at me, I could see in her eyes that she'd damn near given up. My father just stood there bewildered. He missed his son and he missed the son I used to be.

I kicked my door open, grabbed a bag with my things and slept on a park bench that night.

I had to go back home though. There was no way out of it. I needed to shower and I needed to see if she destroyed any of my shit. I doubted she would, but after that night, I couldn't blame her.

Mom let me in with no issue, she even apologized, and I did too.
Then we had a talk.

"Alex, your dad and I don't know what to do anymore. I need to know what you need." She said gently.
I sighed, "I need to be alone mom. I don't do well with people. Everyone at school hates me. You and I don't get along at home. We scream and fight every single day and I can't do it anymore mom. Notice how I do so much better on my own when you and dad are gone? I get everything done, I'm more efficient...I don't know mom. I wanna be emancipated. I want to live on my own." I looked at her hopefully.

It didn't take my mom and dad long to agree with me, and that day, we started the process.*

"Alex," Jack nudged me, I guess they'd been talking to me, or trying to, "You okay?"

I snapped out of my little thought bubble, "Sorry. Thinking." 
He gave me a weird, really concerned look but rubbed my back some more, burying his face in my hair that apparently lost its beanie at some point while I was sleeping, that or Jack pulled it off my head. He just stayed like that, his face hidden in my hair. It was sweet.
I glanced over at Joyce who was sitting on the little armchair across from the couch, watching us carefully. 
"You know, when Jack told me about a boy he met at a party, I never thought it would turn into this." She said softly.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, he told me all about this kid at a party who seemed so sad, and looked really lost. He told me that he walked up to you with all sorts of confidence, like he was the cool guy, and he tried to talk to you, and you let him. He told me that you were super cute, and he liked whatever it was about you, and he wanted to know more. You let him. He told me all about how quiet and shy you were, but now here you are, nearly a year later, and you're both taking care of each other." She smiled a little.

"Jack doesn't seem like he needs to be taken care of. I feel a little bad. He's always taking care of me and all of my messes." I sighed a little, snuggling into Jack a little more.
Jack just kept his face hidden in my hair. 
"Well, he needs taking care of too. He's confident, and he's fun, and he's always the one to liven up a place, but he really loves you Alex. He got so attached so quick. He hasn't stopped talking about you since you met him." 
I smiled.
"I'm just glad that you two mesh together so well. You two work."

"You're being mushy mom." Jack muttered, not moving. I wondered why he was hiding in my hair. I liked it, but I was also curious. I could guess, but I would rather him tell me.

"I'm being mushy because you're happy. You've always been happy, but now, you're a different kind of happy. I just love you, and I'm happy that you're happy."
She got up, "Anyway, I brought you guys some stuff. Jack, I brought your box with the rest of your stuff, and Alex, I brought you some boxes of tea and some soup and crackers. I made the soup, it's chicken soup. I can go put it all in the fridge if you want." She headed to the kitchen and started putting things away.

"Thank you" I looked up at Jack, but he shook his head and hid his face again. Now I really wondered what was going through his head. 

She came out of the kitchen and kissed my head, then Jack's, "I'll leave you two alone. I hope it's okay that Bassam and I are letting Jack live with you for the time being, or you know. Forever if that's what you two want, so that he can help you. I don't know if you two talked about that, but I know for a fact that he's not leaving you, so that's why all of his stuff is here. We kinda made that decision quick." She shrugged.
I smiled, "No, that's okay. He mentioned it, but I wasn't sure of all the details. Thank you for letting him stay. I don't think I want to be alone right now." I shrugged a little. It wasn't just my recent near death and procedure that had me feeling that way. It was missing my brother. It was the fact that I damn near died because I freaked out, just like he used to freak out, only I wasn't drunk. I was scared. I was overthinking and he wasn't thinking at all.
I glanced down at my arm that had the white marks that told a story about how I used to feel like hurting myself was the only way to get through. Then I met Jack, then I had someone, then I met Rian and Zack, and I had people. I was glad I never died, and I'm glad that I didn't die this time either. I wasn't going anywhere.

"I'm gonna let you two rest now okay? I love you both and call me if anything at all happens. Alex, take it really easy, don't try to do anything if Jack can help you, okay?" 
I nodded, "Yes ma'am." 
She smiled and left the house, locking the door behind her.

Jack still didn't come out of hiding, then I noticed my scalp was warm and felt sweaty. Wet.
"Jack...Look at me." I said gently.
He shook his head.
"Please...Look at me." 
He sniffled and looked up, his cheeks were wet and red, and his eyes were puffy and tear filled.
I tried to sit up, but he just pulled me back down.
I stayed looking up at him, "Jack...Why are you crying? Please...Tell me, please." I said softly, worried.

"You almost died." He whispered.
I hugged him close, it hurt a little to do with the incision, but I had to.
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
"But you didn't mean to Alex...You didn't mean to, and you still almost did. When I met you, I thought that one day you might actually mean to. I was scared that you'd take it too far, that you'd hurt yourself and it would be too late...And then you stopped...And I thought about how incredible that was, because I know it wasn't at all easy for you...But you did...And then one panic attack and you pass out, wake up, then flatline. After all of the panic attacks, that was the one that took you over the edge...I'm just...I don't know. I'm scared it'll happen again, even with that thing they put in you." He sniffled and wiped his eyes before wrapping his arms around me again.

I didn't know what to say, because he was right. I couldn't help it, but he was right. I'd put him through hell and back for almost a year.

"I'm sorry I keep doing this to you." I mumbled.
"But Alex, you aren't getting it. I met you and I saw your arm. I saw how you acted. I knew exactly what kind of situation you were in. I was in it once myself, remember? I knew what I was getting into with you, and that's not why I got with you or talked to you that night, I did because I needed a friend, and I'm lucky that you needed one too...I just don't want to lose you. You mean too much to me." 

"You're not ever going to lose me on purpose Jack...I don't want to die like my brother. I don't want to feel so hopeless that I let my anxiety and depression suck me in like it did to him. I don't want to die. I used to...And now I don't. I have something to live for, I guess...I got away from everything that made my life hell...I found a friend, and my best friend, and the person I love, and I found other friends, and a family whos closer to me than my own parents really are...I just wanna be here." 

"Okay."

I reached up and wiped the remaining tears off his cheeks.
"It's getting late, Lex. You wanna go get set up in bed and I'll bring you something? Are you hungry?" He asked, letting me sit up.
I shook my head, "Not really, I just wanna go to bed. You can eat though, and then come to bed with me." I smiled a little.
"Okay, I'll be in there soon. Be careful okay?" He kissed my cheek.
I got up and went into my, well, our room. I opened my dresser and pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a t shirt.

I took my clothes off and pulled the pants on first, then I tried to put the shirt on, but since the wound was so fresh, lifting my arms up to put the shirt on hurt so I threw the shirt on the ground and went into the bathroom. I looked at myself. I looked horrible. I felt horrible.
I truly did look like I died and came back to life. A zombie.
"God you are so gross." I muttered to myself, looking at my weird shaped body, the way my eyes constantly looked tired, with dark purple around them, then I let my finger graze the waterproof bandage that covered the incision, so now I'd have a new scar too. I was letting that hidden self hatred and insecurity poke back out.
"Don't start that Lex." 
I jumped a tiny bit and looked at Jack, "Sorry." 
He shook his head, "There you go again, always apologizing when you don't need to." He sighed as he put the bowl of cereal he was holding in our room on the dresser, then came back and wrapped his arms around me from behind, his head on my shoulder, looking into the mirror with me.
He took my arm, running his fingers down the few scars on it, "That's a story about how you were angry." He ran his fingers around the scars on my other arm, "These are a story about how you felt lost." 
He grazed the scars on my hips, "These are a story about you being scared and alone." 
He didn't pull my sweats down, but he knew where the huge scars were as he ran his hands down my scarred up thighs, "These are from you being upset, scared, angry, lost, alone, disassociated, sad, depressed, anxious, panicking, filled with self hatred...But look at them. Pay attention to them."

I was lost, with tears in my eyes. I had no idea what the hell he was saying.
"Pay attention to them Lex, because they're not angry and red anymore. They're not bleeding out all over your bathroom tile, or leaving spots on your floor, or drenching your journal pages to mark a bad day. They're white, they're faded. They're just stories now, stories that you've finished and put away to make room for new stories right here," He reached up and gently touched my chest where my heart was, "All sorts of new memories and stories all go right here. They live in the little scar that's going to form on your chest that'll remind you every single day that you're alive, and you made it out." 

I reached up and wiped my cheeks. "I love you." I said quietly.
"I love you too." He kissed my neck. He turned back to go into our room. I heard him turn the bedside table lamp on, followed by the TV.
I turned the water on and washed my face carefully, making sure I scrubbed everywhere, hoping to wipe off some of the ugly I currently felt. 
I rinsed my face and did feel a bit better at the fact that I just did some form of self care.
I dried my face and went into our bedroom.
Jack looked so cute, sitting cross legged on our bed in only underwear, no doubt eating some overly sugary cereal. I smiled at him and sat down next to him.
"What are we watching?" I asked.
"Uhhh...It's some weird kids show on Kids Network, but Adventure Time is on next." He offered me a bite of the cereal. Lucky Charms.
I took a bite and smiled at him, kissing his cheek.
I sat back and thought about the flashback I'd had earlier when Joyce was over.
For whatever reason, that wasn't leaving my mind.