dear phil ;; phan

16th of may

Dear Dan,

I miss your warmth.
I miss your smile.
I miss your laugh.
I miss your voice.
I miss holding you.
I miss you holding me.
I miss your lips,
soft and gentle as they
press against mine.
I miss you.
You're gone now.
Your funeral was
yesterday.
I cried.
I told myself I wouldn't.
But I did.
I'm crying right now.
I'm sobbing as I write this.
I read your letters.
They were stained with blood.
I found a pill on your bedroom
floor.
It must have fallen from your
lips as the rest tumbled down
your throat.
I miss you.
I hate you.
I love you.
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
I'm sorry I argued.
I'm sorry I didn't talk to you.
I'm sorry I was a shit best friend.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I loved
you long before I did.
There's still blood on the carpet, by
the way.
I haven't brought myself to cleaning
your room.
I don't know if I ever will.
I found you.
I found you lying there.
I found you as the last light flickered
from your eyes.
As the last breath escaped from your
lips.
As you whispered the words "I love you"
before falling into an eternal sleep.
I held you.
I cried.
I phoned 999.
The ambulance came.
You were taken away from me.
I cried more.
I haven't stopped crying.
And I'll share my secret with you.
I've heard the voices too.
Maybe I'll see you soon.
Because life without you truly
isn't worth living.
I love you, Daniel James Howell.
I love you so much.
I'll be there soon.

Phil.