I

*

I awoke with a jerk, the sun illuminated my face, penetrating my eyelids but giving not nearly enough heat on this late autumn morning.

I yawned and tried to smile away the sleeplessness and the numbness of my cheeks. I try to move my toes and freeze, the pain shocks me into action.

I bring my feet out of my shoes carefully.

The toes were bright red. I rubbed them and pressed my fingers over them but I could not get them to warm up. And how would they, my fingers were their equals in temperature. It was as though I was a sputtering fire, unable to retain any heat and unable to muster any more. The fire would die and so would I.

I let that thought sink in, the dread settled in my mind, chinking into place, it felt like a brick on the inside of my skull, pushing my brains out through the ears and eyes. Right now, would it be so bad to kick the bucket. Here, in this quiet forest where no one would find my corpse till spring?

I looked at my shaking hands. It wouldn't be a painful way to pass, a few hours at most, after all I don't even have the tears to cry.

My eyes are clawed at by the gust of wind, I close them.

I wasn't going to last out here, winter would be coming soon.

I needed a place to stay, away from the guards and the cold, but who would accept me now. When I relinquished my status, I was fine as long as I had a mother but now... I probably look like a demon, so I suppose I have lost a bit of my humanity too.

How much farther can I push before it runs out? I wonder.

I head back into town, morning grumbles echo from my stomach but I have no food or money, the worth of both dawned on me as the hollow feeling deepened and rung out.

I could return to that home, but I think of my mother's body and quickly dispel both thoughts.

I return to my alley, and sit, sheltered from the cold wind. I felt slightly relieved, I could not feel my feet any longer.

How do I survive?
Why should I?

As nightfall arrives, I find myself moving my toes and fingers while staring at the wall. After an hour or two, I can finally feel them again.
The wind roars louder as it darkens and my fingers begin to numb over and over, I realize another problem. I had not moved my tongue in hours so I did not know, my throat was parched.

I force myself to crawl to my feet and hobble to the squares, several people walk around.

I run up to one woman and try to explain myself but all that comes out is a groan and squeak, she looks at me with shock, disgust covers her face and she backs away.

The people are all looking at me now, the disgust echoes in their faces but I don't care. I'm dying, my vision blurs more with every movement and I know it's not because of tears, I have none.

I keep wiggling tongue to remind myself of the desert in my throat, it makes me want to retch but it is better than falling asleep right now.

I try to beg the people for water but they back up, creating a circular prison, always taunting me and moving out of my reach. What a circus this is.

"Please help me!" Comes out in a groan, a man and woman step away from my protests and continue on their way. Like I hadn't just yelled.

I yell at the top of my lungs, "I need water!!" The shock registers on the faces of those close by, but they quickly avert their eyes and walk. Like I didn't exist.

"Please!" I chase after the couple, who speed up keeping the up the 3 paces of empty space between my life and death.

I held onto the woman's skirts and looked up to her, she yelped and started to panic, tugging her clothing away from me like I was some monster.
I held on with a death grip, I did not want to die.