From His Perspective

Have you wondered how our World would look from the perspective of one who had a rather large hand in its creation? If so, read on, you might be surprised...

The Big Bang

The Boss was sitting in quiet contemplation surveying the vast expanse of nothingness beneath him. It was a very dense kind of nothingness and had been several millennia in the making but, finally, it was almost ready for the next part of his plan. As he ruminated on the blueprints piled up on his desk, he took a tentative sip of piping hot tea before reaching over to grab a pencil from a tin, which was entirely black except for a single, brilliant white stone on its lid. It was the tin that had given him his latest idea and, although he was not given to introspection, he had to admit he was feeling pretty proud of himself. After having made a few minor design alterations, he put down his pencil and reached once again for his cup of tea. Leaning back in his chair, he put his feet on the edge of his desk and closed his eyes, a small, satisfied smile on his face. Several moments later a blast, cosmological in its enormity, shook the walls of the office and The Boss found himself lying on the floor in a tangle of tea covered robes.

"What the bloody hell was that??" He scrambled to his feet, lost a few moments trying to locate his left sandal but then he was off at a run, determined to find the source of the noise.

The Boss did not have, as has been regularly postulated, a handsome benevolent face and a long flowing white beard. In fact, his face was often scowling, he was a bit podgy as a result of a proclivity for chocolate biscuits and, although he did have a beard it was short and a little scruffy. However, what he did have was an amazing turn of speed and extremely accurate hearing.

"oops!" Followed by the subtle sound of slippers departing at top speed was enough for him to guess the cause of the explosion and he set off in search of his PA at an ungainly gallop. He usually had a certain grace but running whilst trying to create a soothing breeze around his nether regions, with tea-drenched robes was no mean feat. The object of his ire came into view and he put on a final burst of speed before launching himself at his PA and tackling him to the floor of one of the many viewing platforms that surrounded the immense black space.

"Norbert, what have you done to my Factory?" The Boss was holding a short, angular man at arm's length and was dangling him over the edge of the railing that was designed to stop people falling off the viewing platform and onto the Factory floor.

"Boss, calm down, you'll do yourself a mischief carrying on like that." The nasally voice was pleading. Although he was gripping his Boss' muscular arms Norbert was increasingly aware that, if he let go, the only thing between him and extinction was his underpants elastic. Being dangled over a precipice by your pants is an unpleasant experience and Norbert was not sure if he was more worried about falling or the damage being done to his tenders by an epic wedgy. He took a deep, if shaky breath and arranged his normally untidy features into, what he hoped, was an appealing grin.

"Boss, please, if you'll just let me down, I can explain..." He felt himself drop another couple of inches and his eyes watered.

"No, no, no. Not down, not down. Boss, I'm begging you. Up!" The final word was little more than a squeak as he clenched his buttocks as tight as possible in an effort to stop his pants from disembowelling him. He was immensely relieved when the Big Man relented and hauled him back over the railing where he collapsed in a heap. He fought to gain control of his shaking legs whilst, simultaneously, trying to extricate his pants from places that he doubted would ever be the same again.

"Norbert!" An angry red face appeared inches from his nose and the great bellow was enough to lift his wispy ginger hair out of his watery blue eyes (they didn't normally water, but it had been a rather trying few minutes).