Who the Fuck is Alex Turner?

The Part With the Train Ride

Milky clouds hung amongst the grey veil of sky. My eyes often seemed to fall upon them and in their floating, fluffy arms I could see things. My favourite sighting had been the crocodile with its jaws wide open, slowly drifting by in the air above me, eventually becoming an unremarkable mist when it dissipated.

This was the second journey out of town I’d been passenger for on the same train, in the same carriage and in the same seat. The sky remained abysmal the entire ride. Inside where I sat the odour of rain soaked coats- like that smell of a wet dog- had become relatively familiar. It was strange, but I’d never noticed before that everything seemed to be louder when it rained. All the passengers raising their voice one notch higher in volume in order to be heard over the pounding of falling rain on the metallic roof of the train; the loud huffing of people regaining their breath after running through the rain to the shelter of the train; the swoosh of the rough wind as we sped along our route.

My pants still hadn’t dried, which I would have been embarrassed by had my mind not been preoccupied with thoughts elsewhere. The rain meant that an inescapable dampness clung to the air and made everything seem heavier. Well at least, I felt heavier. This seat, this rigid, worn, cornered seat; it felt like an anchor. I didn’t want to get up, yet I had this nagging, restless urge in the back of my mind, a voice reminding me to stop overreacting, a voice that said I was being stupid. I had things to do, but here I was, sat for minutes, for hours, petrified of moving yet in constant conflict with my fears.

A simple text message had rendered me an inoperable child, wallowing in unsubstantiated speculations. I’d been chewing at my nails, cracking my knuckles, fiddling with my sleeves. Any jittery action came naturally in a situation like this. Like a little kid I couldn’t sit still. However, simultaneously, I was drowning in abstract gravity, a mental weight that pinned me still.  

The background image on my phone was still that photo of Noel and I at my aunt’s wedding. It was difficult to look at. I was simmering with anger at the sight of him, but I couldn’t repress the dejection in my heart. There was something in me that missed him so desperately. To quell the stormy mixture of emotions I changed the background and it reverted back to the default setting, a blue flower.

When the time came to find my way home nothing had changed except for the thoughts in my mind. Where they were whipping at my sanity before, wildly throwing me into discontent, now they were bubbling beneath the surface, ready to lash out although appearing to have calmed during the time that’d elapsed. I hadn’t been paying attention to the weather but when I finally arrived at my stop for home the rain had subsided, but clouds still loomed up in the sky. I hadn’t received any notifications on my phone, which wasn’t terribly surprising. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t disappoint me though.

I couldn’t decide whether to contact Alex. I was starting to realise I’d forgotten one fundamental difference between us, something that Alex seemed to be unable to forget- in fact, it appeared to contribute to his attraction to me. We were so far apart, from completely different worlds. Thinking about it, about how successful he was, his intimidating presence, the way he brooded…it all made me feel so insignificant. He was always so cool, so detached, as if he knew somehow everything would sway his way- so completely otherworldly. Even in his most heightened state of rage, or at least the most I’d ever witnessed, he was still relatively composed. More than I could ever be.

Could he be cheating? As if that notion wasn’t horrible enough, my mind continued to travel to worse ideas. What if he wasn’t cheating on me with someone else, what if he was cheating on someone else with me? Worse of all, what if somehow Noel had been right about Alex from the very beginning and I’d been too stubborn and too blind in my adoration of his persona to see it? I had so many questions but no answers.