The Mad Diaries

How to Fail Your Driver's Test

The following information is incriminating, but I'm going to tell you anyways since I'm stupid. I just hope I don't get arrested or have the SQUAT team sent to my house.

The system is rigged. I am halfway confident that there is a conspiracy against me led by the people who control driving schools. 

The first time I went in to take my driving test was interesting. For the past couple of months, I've been driving with just my permit. Yes, I've driven on actual roads and I've driven actual people with just a permit, no adult, no license, no legal right to drive alone. I've risked the lives of certain friends and I'm just stupid. Completely and utterly idiotic. Anyways, after practicing driving for a couple of months (I've never was enrolled in driving school, I just decided to wait until I was eighteen to take my driving test) I believed, no, I was absolutely damn sure that I was going to pass. I was so confident, in fact, that I drove myself to my test, forgetting that I'M NOT SUPPOSE TO BE DRIVING WITHOUT AN ADULT. 

So, I go to take my driver's test at a place called Butterfly Central (not real name). I park, walk in, give them my registration and insurance, pay thirty-five bucks and viola! We're going driving. It's an old lady who will be my tester and she seems very nice. I think to myself, "this is going to be the easiest stinkin' test I've ever taken." 

 We go out to the parking lot, where my eighteen-year-old-supposed-to-be-black-but-actually-looks-grey-overused-overpaid-used-car sits. She tells me to get into the car, but not turn it on. So, I oblige and get into the car. She tells me to roll down my window and make my hand signals. You know, right turn, left turn, stop. Now, this brings up my first mistake and how to:

1. Forget how to do hand signals.

Ashamedly, I forgot this was a part of the testing, so I had not the slightest clue of my turn signals. She says,

"Show me right turn."

I flap my arm in all directions.

She frowns, "show me left turn."

I flap harder.

Her frown deepens. "Show me stop."

I hold my arm still, thinking "that's gotta be right" It wasn't. I mean, it was the gesture for the right signal, but not for the stop signal. But I thought I did the stop signal correctly.

She looks terrified. I don't blame her. If I can't do my arm signals correctly, then there is no way that I could possibly drive correctly. So, she hops in and tells me to leave the parking lot. Now, I'm not going to go into detail about every single mistake I made, but I will highlight the general issues.

How to fail a driving test: Steps 2-5

2. Don't use rear view mirror or turn to look through your back windshield for whatever reason. When you're switching lanes, parallel parking, pulling to the side of the road, or backing around a curb just use your instincts. Don't question yourself. Allow the car to speak to you and it will gently steer you into the wrong direction.

3. When making a right turn, just go. Don't look and check for other cars or pedestrians. You're in charge. The world revolves around you and you only. Everyone else will stop for you.

4. When approaching an uncontrolled intersection. Hesitate. Be suspicious of every car. If they make the slightest move, stop immediately. It doesn't matter if you're in the middle of the intersection already. If a driver even begins to press the gas pedal and enter the intersection, stop! Don't move. 

5. When your tester tells you to stop or screams in a panic. Ignore them. Their unaware of your incredible driving abilities and perhaps are a little afraid of the power you possess.