[HarryStyles] Let Them Slip Out Of Your Mouth

Four.

“Your hand fits in mine like it’s made just for me. But, bear this in mind it was meant to be. And I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks. And it all makes sense to me. I know you’ve never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile. You never loved your stomach or your thighs, the dimples in your back at the bottom of the spine. But, I’ll love them endlessly.”

By now, the tears are clouding my vision, I feel like my throat is closing, and my sister just sits there, her legs in the pretzel style and her fingers clasping onto each other, I want to know what she’s thinking, but I'm too afraid to talk. I'm too afraid to open my mouth and try to say something in fear of my mind shutting down and my body collapsing and my voice cracking; I can’t break down in front of her, not now, not ever, she’s had enough of that in her life.

“I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth. But, if I do, it’s you, oh it’s you, they add up to. I'm in love with you and all these little things. You can’t go to bed without a cup of tea, and maybe that’s the reason that you talk in your sleep. And all those conversations are the secrets that I keep though it makes no sense to me.”

I, just, I don’t know why I'm listening to this right now, ever, he’s such a conniving asshole, knowing that I'm not going to be able to overlook the lyrics and how much they mean to me, he knows that I think lyrics are the best part of music, he did this on purpose. That’s crazy talk, that’s black and white thinking, the middle path, the stupid gray area would say that he simply wanted me to listen to his creation’s music, but the conclusion for that is the same, I know that I'm not that bad, not anymore at least.

There are things that I know about myself that I would never have learned if I didn’t destroy myself, as twisted as that sounds, and because of what I've been through I know things that I didn’t before. My insecurities, I don’t think that they’ll ever go away, but I know how to deal with them, I know how to tell myself that insecurities are only figments of the imagination in order to make yourself feel more human – at least, that’s what I have to say over and over again to convince myself that my insecurities can’t defeat me.

“I know you’ve never loved the sound of your voice on tape. You never want to know how much you weigh. You still have to squeeze into your jeans, but you’re perfect to me. I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth, but if it’s true, it’s you, it’s you they add up to. I'm in love with you and all these little things.”

People tell me that I sound different over the phone, that my voice isn't the same as it is in all the movies that I'm in, I don’t get it, do I not sound as appealing, am I supposed to sound exactly the same, I don’t like it, I don’t know how to respond to that. It’s silly, really, to worry about something like my voice, but at that point, everything about myself was a worry, I couldn’t go anywhere in my own skin, how could I when people were just ripping me apart left and right? Now they say that I don’t weight enough. That I'm too tall to only weight a hundred fifteen pounds, but I'm only five foot four, I'm not that tall, and when I weight five pounds heavier, I was called fat by the same people, it doesn’t make sense, how can I feel good when society is so cruel and confusing?

“You’ll never love yourself half as much as I love you. You’ll never treat yourself right, darlin’, but I want you to. If I let you know I'm here for you, maybe you’ll love yourself like I love you. Oh. I’ve just let these little things slip out of my mouth.”

All girls should feel beautiful, good about themselves, they have the right to, they deserve to feel proud, and this song, as much as I hate to admit it, this song does just that, it tells them that they're beautiful even though they believe they have many flaws. Wiping my palms across my cheeks, not caring how stupid, how pathetic I look, for crying over a song that Simon Cowell sent me just to have me listen to One Direction, but I like this, it’s beautiful.

“Because, it’s you, oh it’s you, it’s you they add up to. And I'm in love with you and all these little things. I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth. But, if it’s true, it’s you, it’s you they add up to. I'm in love with you and all your little things.”

&&.

Lisa, gosh I love that woman, she’s not even someone who works for me, she’s part of my family by now, I don’t think that she has any other clients at this point, she was so busy with my problems and how to make sure that no one ripped me apart when I was in the hospital and how to keep me relevant without commenting on anything going on with me mentally. “I want to meet Ed Sheeran.”

“You know who Ed Sheeran is?” I can hear her laugh in the background, I can almost see her lean over and write down something on a sticky note, most likely something about me knowing who he is, somehow able to spin that off as a way to get me some good press, as a music lover, even though I wouldn’t be a judge or a host on a music show. “I’ll set up a meeting with him. I'm going to go through Simon, though. He’s the only one who has my number and will take my call as soon as he sees my name pop up on his antique cell phone.”

Running a hand through my hair, I chew on my lower lip, I don’t want him involved with this, at all, he shouldn’t even have to know what I like Ed Sheeran, not like that, I like his music, his lyrics, they're so raw, I love his songs, and the fact that he wrote “Little Things” and not the five guys who sang it confuses me; I don’t know who to believe, and I chose to believe the man who wrote the song.

My dad nods his head, glancing down at the iPhone resting on the kitchen table, the speaker on, the two of s sitting around it; I'm a legal adult, I'm eighteen, but I always ask my dad for help with a decision, I always want his approval, and he always has the best interest in mind, so there’s no reason to exclude him from all of this. “Just get me to meet him and I’ll get over the fact that Simon is involved. Send him a thank you note, by the way, when you get a chance. Basic, something like ‘thank you so much for thinking of me, I loved it’ or something not as nice, whichever you think is better. Um, I'm going to bring Kayla with me and either a security guy, my dad, or Beau. So let him know there will be three of us.”

“I’ll send him a card that just says a basic thank you. Let me call him and try to set something up. Do you want press to know about this or are we keeping this a secret type of thing on our side? I don’t know what he’s going to plan on doing, but I don’t think that I want people knowing. Let’s let you do your thing for the two or three months rest. Try to stay out of the paparazzi’s way. I know that you can’t help it sometimes. It’s going to cause unnecessary stress. Don’t read magazines. Don’t go on Twitter or anything that you can see what people are saying about you. There’s no reason to even check to see if it’s hate; most of it isn't hate, a lot of it is love actually, but there’s no reason to look because we would like to keep you healthy.”

That’s our new word, healthy, not sane, not stable, not normal, not anything, just healthy, healthy mentally, healthy physically, healthy, it doesn’t sound that bad that way, I like it that way, it’s a motivation to better myself, I want to be healthy. “That sounds great, Lisa.”

It’s not long after that we end the phone call, there was nothing to discuss, all I wanted from her was the meeting with Ed Sheeran; that would be amazing, to tell him that the song he wrote was beautiful and he was going to save lives. My sister, she was so mad when I told her this, that I want to meet Ed and not One Direction, told me that I'm not right in the head, and then realized what she said and told me that if she was going to meet someone she would want to meet someone who wrote a song that makes me feel good about myself.

As much as I want to give her everything, to be that good sister, to be her mother figure because my father refuses to date anyone, I can’t give her the five of them. I don’t want to meet them. They mean nothing to me, and they’ll never mean anything to me, especially since Simon is their dictator, I hate celebrities who are controlled by their management, that’s why I have Lisa and just Lisa, and I'm nothing like them, or that Harry kid.

I'm not the female version of Harry styles in the eyes of the paparazzi. I was here before him. I don’t flirt as much as he does, according to what my sister told me on our way home from dinner last night. And I'm most definitely not dealing with all of this as well as him.