Why Him - Radiodust

It's Okay to Not Be Okay

Possible feels warning ⚠️ 👀
(Lmao this is one of the only chapters I took seriously.)

Alastor's POV
To be completely honest, I was scared to wake up today. I almost made an excuse to be anywhere but the hotel, although, there's nothing I could possibly have to go out and do, and I was afraid it would be too obvious. Knowing what I do about Angel and Charlie's conversation, it was hard to make eye contact with either of them during breakfast. I even backed down from a hug from Angel, which wouldn't have been so strange only a week before, but now, it was obvious I wasn't okay.

I attempted to make an exit as soon as breakfast was over, but of course, Angel had to ask if I was alright, which stopped me in my tracks. I told him I was fine, but he didn't believe it. Not for a second.
"You've been acting different, Al." Angel stood from his seat as the others watched the two of us. I removed my hands from behind my back and rested one on the frame of the doorway, not turning towards him. "I have no clue what you mean," I said blandly. Angel crossed his arms and didn't say anything for a moment. "You know exactly what I mean, don't you dare tell me you don't," Angel said, a bit harsh. Most of the others at the table didn't know what was going on, but Charlie did. She watched closely, not wanting it to get out of hand.
I turned toward him for a moment with a struggling smile, and my ears down, saying quietly, "I'll take my leave, thank you," then walked off without another word, my hands behind my back as usual.

3rd person
Angel stood, watching Alastor walk off and disappear into the hallway. He shook his head and sat down, almost angrily, resting his arms on the table and his head on top of them. Charlie sighed. "Maybe he'll be more open to talk later, Angel." Angel gave no response.
Husk leaned back in his chair, completely confused at the situation. "What's goin' on between you guys? More importantly with smiles?" He asked, a drink in his hand as always. Charlie looked at him. "We don't know, really. Alastor hasn't been himself and he's obviously trying to avoid us on the subject," she said. Angel raised his head, a few angry tears in his eyes. "And he's been a bit of a dick to me through it, too." He wiped a tear away and folded his arms.

Charlie glanced at Angel in surprise. "He has?" Angel nodded. Charlie stared at him for a moment. "What happened?" she said, a hint of worry in her voice. Angel let out a sigh and looked around at the table. "Well, for those of you who don't know, Alastor and I got together a few days ago. And... at first, he was really happy about it, but. I think I mighta said something I shouldn't have. Maybe it's not even me... I just don't feel as close to him right now as I should, and it's because he won't talk to me. He wouldn't even hug me today. It was like. He was avoiding me or somethin'... like I'm not here," Angel said. Charlie looked down at the table in front of her. Husk raised a brow and said, "look. I dunno much about the mushy shit, but if it was me, I'd go chase that smiley bastard down and talk to him." Angel rested his head in his hand, looking across the table at Husk and thinking for a moment.

Vaggie wasn't all that interested in what was going on, but she wanted to butt in. "Why didn't you tell us you were together sooner?" she said. Angel sighed and looked around, then down at his hand and studied it for no particular reason. "I think he wanted it to be a quiet thing for a while. I think both of us wanted time to get to know each other before we were being teased and shit." Charlie felt a little badly. "I'm sorry you had to feel that way," she said.

It was silent for a few minutes before Husk spoke up. "I dunno about you all, but I'd rather not be around everyone in this depressing state, so either Angel talks to Alastor about this shit or I'm goin' to my room," he said. Charlie glanced at Husk, then at Angel. Angel let out a deep sigh and slowly got up, pushing his chair in. "Wish me luck, then. I'll either come back in tears or come back in victory I guess," he said.

Alastor's POV
I closed the door of my room and slid down the back of it, onto the floor. Bringing my knees up to my chest, I could feel tears brimming in my eyes for the first time in decades. What is wrong with me... why is something like this taking such a large toll on my emotional state? I still had my fake smile as if it was plastered to my face even though tears. I cried quietly, not wanting Angel or anyone else who may have been close to my door to know.
I sat there for a few minutes, just thinking about everything. My mind was busy, like a channel on the radio filled with only static. Eventually, I made my way to the window after my tears were gone and looked out over the gloomy city. It was somewhat beautiful, seeing the buildings before me, stretching up to the sky, each of them having lights on in their windows in no particular pattern. There was a light breeze outside, I could see it in the trees.

My ears had been down ever since I left the table, reflecting my mood. They wouldn't take back their usual posture for a while.

I heard a knock on the door, then followed with Angel's voice. I was expecting him to be angry, but, his voice was quiet. I let out a sigh but didn't respond, and instead looked down at the window sill. Angel found that the door was unlocked and pushed it open slowly, gently shutting it behind him. He sat on the edge of my bed and didn't say anything for a few moments, but looked down at the carpet in front of him. I quietly turned to look at him, a very, very small grin. He looked up at me and sighed, patting the bed next to him. I reluctantly made my way over and sat down, avoiding eye contact.

"Al..." he put his arm around me. "I don't know what's goin' on with you... but I wanna help." I could feel my eyes start to tear up again, just at the sound of his voice. I whispered back, "I don't either." He nodded very lightly and leaned in a little more. "Is it my fault? Did I upset you somehow?" I shook my head, he still hadn't noticed the tears in my eyes and I was doing a fairly good job hiding them. "Then for fucks sake Al, what is wrong?" He removed his arm from my waist and instead put it on my shoulder, using another hand to bring my head up and look at him. He noticed the tears, then hugging me. I turned myself toward him and held on, not wanting to let go. I stuffed my face in his shoulder where he couldn't see it and started crying a little harder.

"I don't know what's happening to me, Angel," I spoke through tears and my voice was
shaky. "My whole life I've been such a bad person and all of a sudden-- I come here and things are different. Things are changing." Angel nodded and closed his eyes, comforting me as much as possible. "I'm different and I don't know how to handle it, I don't know how to handle emotions. And if this entire time, if redemption is possible, I've been spending my days here being what I am, all these years I could have made my mother proud." Tears were falling harder and I moved closer to Angel for comfort. "I could have spent all this time with her, up there. Being the boy she remembers all those years ago."  Angel was starting to cry, too. I could hear him. "Al, you're not a bad person... we can redeem you. You can see her again," he said quietly. I gripped his shirt.

"I am a bad person. And all this time I thought I didn't want to be redeemed but my life's been a cover-up... killing because the only source of my sanity is gone and there's nothing... I can do-" at this point I was crying too hard to say anything else. Angel let out a soft sigh and closed his eyes, holding me tightly. "I don't understand why you thought you had to cover your emotions up. Especially from me, Al. It's okay to not be okay," he said. I was shaking a little. "Because showing emotion makes me look weak..."

Angel put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me gently away from himself to be able to see my face. I wasn't smiling anymore, my face red and messy with tears. "It's okay to show emotion, Al. I'm not saying you have to show it all the time." I nodded slightly as the tears slowed down a little.
"Angel..." I said. He gave a "hm," in response. "If you and the others are redeemed I'll be left alone." Angel shook his head. "No, Al. You'd be redeemed with us," he said.
"Angel, I'm too far gone to be redeemed, if it's even possible. You have no idea what I've done. There's a reason I have all this power." I made eye contact with him, my ears still back. He stared at me for a moment. "What are you saying?" he asked.

"I'm saying I'll lose you like... like I did my mother and... and Anthony, and Henry-" I was just about to start tearing up again until Angel cut me off.
"Wait, Al. You said Anthony." I nodded. "And?" Angel's eyes widened a little. "No way..." I wiped a few tears away in complete confusion. Angel gently covered his mouth with one hand and said, "did Henry happen to run a bar?" I nodded slowly. Angel looked away in disbelief as I was lost.

"You..."

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