asleep.

Chapter 1

Hi, I'm still alive, that's sad, I wished I could've died earlier, maybe when I was born, i didn't born naturally from my mother's womb I got to be c section from her womb because the umbilical cord got tangled between my neck that could suffocate me, I wish it did. I regret my life, I wish I had a new one. If you were me, you'll get it, my terrible past, my invisibility around people, my present, my future it's all lies, my life is a lie, I didn't k ow I would experience this, is this just puberty? Or is this really depression?

As he lay in bed thinking about his life, thinking about his future, thinking about real love and compassion, he stumbled a thought of death, a thought of self harm, a thought of puncturing his heart, about spilling blood, suddenly he felt a water flowing down his cheeks, he touched it with his fingers, and questioned, "why tears?" He didn't knew he could cry. He than heard a knocking on the door, it was his mother, the mother that put a scar on his heart, but she couldn't see the scars, because he is covering it up with a smile, he covers everything with a smile.

I got up to the usual thing, take care of my siblings, I feel so empty doing everything they tell me to do, that's probably why I feel so, pathetic, I can't do anything right, if my siblings gets injured I'm the cause of it, "your usless at doing things", "your an embarrassment Me to me you know", "you are so arrogant always talking back to your own mother", "why are you always having this attitude?", "Your pathetic". Those words would always scar me, injure me, made more leaks in my heart, my heart is already full of holes, why puncture more? Why?, Why God? Why must it be me you could injure out of Billions it must've be me, i don't have anyone else, why can't they see it?, Why can't they see I'm injured?

As the writer stands weakly, staring into emptyness while her siblings run around making a mess, the noises that they made sound blurred to the writer, as he stands there looking at them, the writers eyes shows pathetic upon his personality, almost shedding a tear, he got interrupted by his mom
"Do your job properly", "your supposed to take care of your sisters, your the only boy in this family"

Was this what my life was purposed god?I hate living like this, why can't you change me? It's ok god, I don't know your reasons but could you please just give me a change?, Why? That's the only question I have, why do I have a life,

The writer drops down on his knees, getting weaker, he puts his head on the ground, tearing up, his mother looked at him confused, the writer than got up, wiped his tears, and walked to his room, at the back of his head he heard his mother saying "why are crying huh? It's tiring to take care of your sisters? Hello! I've taken care of your 7 uncles and sisters I've taken care of worse" the words got denser as he is walking to his room, he stopped at his doorway.

"Do not compare me with you, you wouldn't understand"

He walked into his room closing teh door quietly, he dropped down on his bed looking into the ceiling.

Dear ceiling, how do you cope with life? Or do you have one to experience? It's ok than I'll give you a life, I'll be with you if you need me, and you'll be with me if I need you, after all you'll always be here for me right? It's surprising how a ceiling could give more compassion than your own mother.

The writer could hear the cryings of his siblings, his mothe rk ockong on the door, as he puts on his headphones, he played a soothing song, "Aziz you OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW OR ELSE DONT YOU DARE ASKING ME FOR FOOD OR ANYTHING ELSE" the writer looked at the door, multiple thoughts came in but he knew he rather die than open the door, he than had a slight smile on his face while tears roll down to his cheeks, it's amazing how ones depression originated from the one who cared for him. The night than came,the writer hasn't came out yet, haven't eaten yet, his than seen curling into ball while pressing against his stomach, his hungry, but he knew he could endure it, the writer unknowingly fell asleep. Entering into a new world.