Diagnostic Criteria

9. next to you & a world away

i don't exist
if you're not there
and you don't exist
when you're not there

reality isn't real
i don't know what i'm supposed to feel

air is thick with foggy thoughts
tears of pain my brain forgot

you're sitting next to me
in the front seat of your car
but i am not there anymore

i'm somewhere else
a plane behind this one
you can't be real

you are too good to be real

this moment is too perfect to exist

i feel my muscles slipping from my bones
there are no bones in my hands

i have a headache

i have a soul ache

i am reaching out but my arms aren't moving
i am stationary in my shaking heart
there are no bones in my hands

i see you but i am not seeing you
i am seeing a memory
i am seeing my father
i am seeing my mother
i am seeing my broken sister

i am seeing my mother for the last time

i try to reach out and hug her
but i am still in the front seat of your car
hands folded in my lap

i am laying in bed hearing cries that i know will never be consoled

i am screaming at god in the shower
reminding him of the deal we made
that he broke

how the fuck are you real
if i touch your face
and feel your skin
i still don't understand

where am i if not here
i know that i am real
but sometimes it feels like i'm the only thing that's real

i am trembling in still silence
i am next to you but i am light years away

we are in bed next to each other
but i am sinking through the mattress
under ground

good things don't exist
i don't deserve them
and even if i did
i know they all disappear

i haven't lived a single moment without fear
since that last- that final year

i am next to you
but i am not here