The Pain You Hide

Day 63

My mother attacked me this morning; she broke down her bedroom door and rushed into the kitchen, scratching and biting. I managed to get her into the bathroom by luring her with the meat I was grabbing for her breakfast. Turning into a werewolf had been one of my concerns after it happened, but since I've yet to grow fur, I think I'll be okay. Physically anyway.

It's almost lunch time. Grabbing a pack of meat from the freezer, I force my body to move toward the bathroom. I'm shaking so bad, I worry she'll hear me. Growls and the sound of something ripping come from beyond the door. I take a deep breath. As fast as I can, I throw open the door and throw the meat inside, package and all. I slam the door shut and jump away from it in case she charges.

Though I want to run away, I know I can't. Instead, I've been catching up on all the work I've gotten behind on. When I return to my laptop, I open a new email and see the newest ad my team is working on. The ad shows a family laughing together. Tears prick my eyes. After I read that book to her, I didn't see my mother for the rest of the day or the day after. When I did see her again, she didn't recognize me at all; she didn't even respond to her name. My arms throb, reminding me of her attack. What am I even doing here? My phone rings.

"Hi Kim," I say. I try to keep the thickness out of my voice. It doesn't work.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing,"

"It's not nothing," he says firmly. "You know I can tell when something's wrong."

I don't know why I try to lie to him.

"It's my mother," I mumble, "but I don't want to talk about it."

"What happened?"

"I just said--"

"You don't have to tell me everything," he says, "but tell me enough so I know you're okay."

"She's pushing me away," I whine, my lips trembling. "I'm trying to help her, Kim, but she's pushing me away."

"Kind of like you."

"What?"

"Remember when we met again at that internship? We never really talked in high school, but I didn't remember you being as distant as you were. You wouldn't talk or hang out with anybody."

"I was recovering from--" the words get stuck in my throat, "my mental break."

"I know," he says softly. "But I only know about it because you told me, and that was years later. Before then, you wanted nothing to do with me."

"Really?" I try to forget that time, but it sounds like me. I guess my mother wasn't the only one I was ignoring.

"You were downright nasty at times, you know?"

"Why did you keep trying then?" He had to be exaggerating, but that didn't stop the shame from crushing my chest.

"I could tell you needed a friend," he says. I smile. "Maybe your mother isn't trying to keep her pain from you but from herself. Maybe she's trying to forget she's in pain in the first place."

"Just like me," I mumble.

"But you're better now, right? It just takes time. The only thing you can do is let her know you'll be there for her when she's ready to heal."

"But what if she never is?" A bang in the bathroom makes me jump.

"Just be patient. I was."

Growling and banging sounds continue from the bathroom, making my heart race. I stare at the door, wondering when it'll burst open and what I'll do. If she was the mother I know, I wouldn't be so scared. Kim thinks she just needs time to get better. I'm not so sure.