You guys have no clue about this, but the previous/ first chapter is still a draft and it's about an ex who said she needed time alone and the she broke up with me and it sent me down a 6 month depression and psychosis.
I didn't feel real and i didn't want to exist in that state anymore all because of her and it hurt a lot.
I dated another girl and she wasn't worse but she wasn't all the better. We didn't talk much, she had a temper and a short fuse. We broke up quickly... I got with another girl after a few months and we were happy for a while; arguments were solved quickly but now it just seems like she's always looking for a fight and I don't know if im happy with her anymore.
I am but I'm not, I want to see good things for her but i don't want to see her face. I want to talk to her but when she messages me, i want to turn my phone off. I think i'm going into another psychosis again, life doesn't seem real anymore, I want to gut myself like a fish just to see what it would be like. I want to bash my head into every mirror i see because i don't think it's me but i know it is.
I converted to Buddhism and it helped me for a long time, it still does but there's just so much going on with myself that I don't know what to do. I feel inadequate, i feel empty, i want to exist in a bubble and be left alone. I want to run into the woods and hide, i want to jump on a train and disappear. I want to be ethereal, i want to be tangible again, i want to be extant and extinct.
My brain is filling up with paradoxes and forcing my disassociation and ocd to worsen. I've just been existing in a state of feeling out of control and wanting to fix everything, and a state where i want everything to be quiet.
