Hold On [Doyoung] (sequel to The One That Got Away)

chapter 6 - i don't wanna do this anymore

2 weeks before her marriage. as expected, I became more and more insane. I'm pretty sure Taeyong had grown really tired of me but he still managed to make me feel calm each time I had a mental breakdown when Raebin is making out with her boyfriend. These days, I become even more aggressive. I don't interact with anyone, not even Raebin and Taeyong. Raebin tried so hard to help me. I could feel her slowly giving up on me but I don't really mind. As times goes by, I became numb and silent. I don't talk or even cry anymore. It was about to rain that day, yet I still went out to my usual spot and sat there although it was raining heavily that day. I was soaking wet but I don't care anymore. Taeyong realized I was still at outside so he ran towards me and pulled me inside the psychiatrict hospital. I was soaking wet at that time. "oh gosh what were you thinking?! You must go and change now." Taeyong accompanies me to my asylum back to change my clothes.

I went back and sat at the couches near the entrance towards my asylum. Taeyong sat beside me and hand me something. It was a  framed picture of me and Raebin when we were still in the USA. I took it and smiled at the picture. It brings back so many lovely memories. "where did you found this Taeyong?" I looked at him. " I was out earlier to grabbed something. While I was searching, I found this picture in your room. I decided to take it in case you need it" Taeyong answered. "thank you" I smiled and looked at the picture back. Suddenly tears started to come out and land on the picture. I was sad and heartbroken. Taeyong saw me sobbing and instantly hugged me. I cried heavily on his shoulder. He rubbed my back. " I love her so much Taeyong ah. It hurts me so much remembering the fact that it's already 2 weeks left before her marriage. What can I do to stop the marriage?! I want to stop it. I can't bear watching her marrying him" I cried. " I wish I can help you. She seems to love him so much. I don't think you can stop the wedding" Taeyong answered while still rubbing my back. " I'm tired of this Taeyong ah. I'm tired of suffering from this unrequited love. I hate this so much. I want to go back". "past is the past doyoung. We can't do anything about it except constantly regretting the actions that we made in the past. Now enough crying, it's your therapy session again" Taeyong stood up and took me towards Raebin's room.

Nothing special happened. It's still the usual psychologist-patient thing. As I was leaving, Raebin shouted "Doyoung! I want to tell you something". I turned around and looked at her. " I'm going to invite you to my wedding. Is that okay?" she asked with a smiled. I don't know what to say, I'm speechless. I don't feel happy about her invitations. "I'll try to consider it" I replied. "please I want you to come. I will wait for your answer" Raebin said. I left the room. I sat back on the couch that was beside the entrance towards my asylum. I pondered about her wedding invitations. I don't know if I should go or not. Wouldn't that make my suicidal thoughts even worse? I guess so. As I was pondering about it, Taeyong approached me again with my favourite bread on his hand. I was lowkey happy with the bread. He hands over the bread to me, I took it and ate it. I felt better for a few minutes before transferring to a depressive episode again. "Taeyong, Raebin invites me to her wedding. I don't know what to say." I said. He looked at me with a weird expression. "so, are you going then?" he asked. " I don't know. I become even more depressed about it. How can she invite her own ex like that?! And also the fact that her ex is mentally emotionally unstable right now! And all of it because of her relationship with that guy! Ugh, I'm about to smash everything into pieces here." I was angry and very annoyed. I suddenly had the urge to find something to release my anger but I chose not to do it. "bro, you must have a borderline personality disorder too" said Taeyong. "what?? Of course not!" I rolled my eyes. Taeyong chuckled. We continued talking until my free time was over and I headed back to my asylum.

The thought of going to her wedding haunts me in my sleep. I had the worst nightmare because of that. I woke up and suddenly depression attacked me out of nowhere. Not only that, panic attacks too. I was having a major panic attack because of the nightmare. Taeyong then again saw me through the CCTVs and went over to help me. After 30 minutes, I'm finally okay again. I looked at Taeyong's tired expression. I felt bad for him. " I'm sorry. It was because of my nightmare. You shall go to sleep now. I'll be fine" I smiled at him. He looked very happy when I said that, I felt good. Eventually, I can't sleep in the end. I spend my night pondering over Raebin's wedding and her invitation. I took the framed picture that Taeyong gave me then I put it towards my chest and hugged it tightly. I cried. I felt very heartbroken this time, I feel like I was going to die for being heartbroken all the time. Depression started to hit me and I became suicidal all of a sudden. My head was a mess, my thoughts were all over the place. I was very suicidal. I nearly break the framed picture just to take the glasses to hurt myself. I chose not to do it because I loved the picture so much. I started hitting myself quietly so I won't wake Taeyong up. After what felt like an hour, I laid down the floor and stare at the ceilings.

" I don't wanna do this again"