Jacqueline's Lesson In (Failed) Recovery

Falling Deeper

A week later

"Jackie, Olivia, therapy, come on!!" Meg screams. I come down stairs, carrying my school bag, looking sad. Meg tries to hug me, but I push her away. Olivia comes down, dressed like me. I hug her and smile. We are such twins! Meg tries to hug Olivia, but unlike me she hugs her back. I shake my head, smiling in amusement. "You guys are adorable!" Meg says perkily as she wrestles Wendy into her seat. I sit up front and slam the door, trying to make a point. Meg looks annoyed as we drive to the office. I get out and tell Meg to go. She finally does, needing to take Wendy to the dentist. Olivia is visibly nervous. I have a feeling an attack isn't far away. Maybe there is a way she can go before me and then I can have Meg pick her up when she's done and they wait for me. I text Meg and she agrees, Wendy has to be sedated and her extractions will take four hours. "Olivia is going first." I say to Jess. She nods and takes Olivia back. I sit down and try to text Mom. She doesn't reply.
I sigh and wait, feeling slightly nervous. The session takes two hours. Meg finally shows up, looking spread thin and stressed. "Where is she?" she asks. I point in the direction of the therapy room. "Well, I have to get back to the dentist office, she needs to be out in the next ten minutes." Meg says. I sigh and tell her to go up to the receptionist. The receptionist calls for Jess to send her patient out quickly. Olivia appears, looking emotionally exhausted. I hug her and Jess motions for me to follow her. She tries making small talk. "How's Olivia doing?" I ask, sounding worried. "She's falling deeper into her disorder. I'm trying to pull her out, but she may be transferred to Evelyn, she has a lot of experience with teen panic disorder." Jess explains. I nod and lick my lips.
"How did things with the school counselor go?" Jess asks, knowing how it went. "Okay after I gave her a small piece of information meant to shut her up." I say. Jess looks neutral. "I want to tell you something." I say. Jess looks at me expectantly. "I sing....and write songs." I admit. Jess looks happy. "Can you sing for me?" she asks. I nod and clear my throat. "I'm the girl who hides her face, so afraid of the human race, but I'm lifting my voice to say, this is me, I am special, lifting my head to say I'm right here, right now, gonna step into the spotlight to say: be brave, be brave; even when you feel like there isn't any hope, be brave, be brave, even if you think there isn't a way out, speak out, speak out, nothing hurts more than being in doubt." I sing, sounding more confident than I feel. Jess looks happy. I laugh and look down.
"You wrote that?" she asks. I nod. "You're very talented dear. Use that to cope instead of cutting." Jess instructs. I start crying. She acts confused. "I didn't mean to upset you." she whispers. "You didn't. I need to die." I hiccup. Jess looks shocked. "I can't release you from your contact with me, you can't die. It gets better." Jess promises. "How's the new medicine working?" she asks. I shake my head. She looks unsure. "Sweetie, I think your disorder may be medicine resistant, I'm going to transfer you back to Evelyn, she has more experience with medication resistant disorders. Hopefully this time around she can help because I'm not a great.....experimenter and your medicine just isn't working!!" Jess says. I look at her steadily, she looks confused.
"Is that alright?" she asks. "Didn't Evelyn send me to you for a reason?" I ask. Jess sighs. "It's complicated and I'm sorry, but I have to bounce you around to see who will treat you." Jess explains. I nod, I understand how complicated I am. "I'm also transferring your sister, she shut down in therapy today and I tried to get her to open up, but she won't!" Jess explains. I sigh and look into the distance. "Now, so this will be meaningful, I'm going to change your medicine again and Evelyn will probably wait a few weeks to switch you again." Jess says. She writes another prescription. Im sick of being switched so much.
"Now, I'm going to ask you some random questions so Evelyn knows your exact mental state." Jess says. I nod, staring at the clock. One more hour until Wendy's extractions are over. "Are you suicidal?" Jess asks. I nod. "Do you self harm?" she asks. I nod. "Are you very depressed with little interest for life?" she continues. I nod. "Do you get angry for no reason?" she asks. I nod. "Anxiety?" she asks. I shake my head. "Trouble being open?" she asks, knowing the answer. I nod. "Well, you can go. I'll call Evelyn and get her to reaccept you. You probably have to meet with her in a day or two. I'll have her let you know." she says as she stands by her door. I nod and walk out. "Olivia, I need to talk to you!" Jess says. Olivia bites her lip. "Come on angel." she says soothingly. Olivia follows, looking like she's dreading this like its death. "Wait!" I call as I grab the door and walk back too. "Olivia, I'm transferring you to Evelyn along with Jackie, you won't open up anymore and I want you to get adequate help." Jess explains. Olivia looks down and a tear falls from her eye. I feel bad for her, she was more comfortable with Jess than she was its Evelyn, why's she falling deeper? Why am I falling deeper? "Honey, this is the best for you. Transferring you is the last resort and it's come to that when you had a melt down. Your anxiety is very bad and I'm not as experienced with it." she explains. Olivia doesn't speak, she's going into herself and I don't know if I can pull her out.
"I'm calling Evelyn and she'll probably take you both, again, I'll call your aunt and get you in with Evelyn very soon." Jess says. She rises and walks us out. Meg is waiting now, holding a crying Wendy in her arms. We rush out and get home as soon as we can. I go to the guest room to block out Olivia and Meg try to change Wendy's gauze. I hear her screaming still and I feel horrible. It reminds me of my dad raping me. I try not to flash back and I succeed. I lay down and cry, feeling, well raped. I'm going to tell Evelyn soon. She needs to know and I trust her. My aunt gets on the phone and I pick it up to listen in. It's Jess and Evelyn, a conference call. Evelyn immediately accepts me. The appointment is this afternoon. I don't want to go, but I guess I have no choice. I put it down softly and wait for Meg to tell me about the appointment. She does an hour later. I get ready and realize this is an appointment for me, not, Olivia. I get in the car and stare out the window down the familiar road.
I get out and sign myself in, Meg going back home to be with Wendy. The receptionist tells me to go back. I walk down the familiar hall slowly. I knock and Evelyn immediately opens the door. "Come in sweetie." she says calmly, knowing how she needs to keep her demeanor around me now. This is going to be a long day. I sit down and look at Evelyn expectantly. "Your disorder is medicine resistant, you've tried quite a few combinations in the hospital and out here, but nothing helps. This combo is the last hope." Evelyn explains. I nod and look at the floor. "Dear, you aren't in the best state, but I'm going to help you with that through behavioral therapy, exposure therapy, and counseling. Hopefully the huge combination of therapies helps." Evelyn says, being honest. I nod. I realize she's staring at my scars and cuts. I cover them quickly, not wanting to talk about them. I have a feeling it's too late. "Please stop doing this to yourself." she whispers. I nod, I'll try to stop for her sake. "And please don't try to kill yourself. You aren't under the contract because I believe if you wanted to die a piece of paper won't stop you, but Jess is very trusting and a little naive, so she will take your word for everything. I, on the other hand, am very realistic and I'm optimistic, bringing a unique approach to therapy." Evelyn explains. I nod and look at her. I'm going to tell her about the abuse and rape. If she asks what I want to talk about, I'll ask about her confidentiality believes and then I'll tell her the truth, the whole truth. She needs to know all of this to help me. She needs to know what's keeping the progress from happening. "Anything you need to talk about?" she asks, just as I expected. I take a deep breath, I'm going to do this!
"What do you keep confidential?" I ask. She looks at me, trying to survey my nervous expression. "Umm........everything except abuse, self harm, unless it's already known about, suicide attempts if you get really close to succeeding, umm........that's all I can think of that would make me break confidentiality. What's going on?" Evelyn asks, sounding unlike herself. "My dad..........he........." I get out before sobbing. Evelyn holds me, shushing me gently. "Tell me." she says, once I can speak. "He........I...........my mom too..............I'm sorry............" I cry. She sits with her hand on my arm as I cry. "Jackie, I want to help you sweetie, but I don't know what you need." Evelyn says as I start hiccuping. "A-a...............mydadandmomabusemeandolivia!" I say, quickly, trying to say it before sobbing again. Evelyn looks at me, looking shocked and hurt. "I'm sorry I lied!!!!" I sob. "That's okay honey.....you aren't in trouble, you were just figuring out how to tell me. This has been complicating therapy and now, I can help you heal completely." Evelyn reassures me gently. I cry harder. "Jackie, you're going to be sick if you keep crying like this. It isn't annoying me, it's just detrimental to you, crying this hard." Evelyn says gently. I can't stop crying, I'm beginning to relive the beatings. "I have scars running down my back from him beating me with a belt that has glass and thorns in it! He punches me and he burnt me a few times." I relive, sobbing. Evelyn looks disturbed. "Hold on, let me do something real quick." Evelyn says before leaving the room. I feel like I might have a flash back and end up turning into a blubbery mess. Evelyn comes back in a few minutes later.
"Now, I know this might be hard and painful, but please tell me everything." Evelyn says, sitting beside me. I shake my head, crying. "Jackie, I'm going to file a police report and this recording will be used instead you talking to them." Evelyn says, surprising me. "You're recording me reliving this whole thing? You're filing a police report??!!!!!!" I scream, crying still. "Sit down dear, you know this is for the best. Come on. Tell me everything. I promise that this will help." Evelyn says, touching my arm. I pull away and try not to storm out. "Don't storm out of my office. Come on sit down with me and just give me the information." Evelyn urges. She obviously forgot what makes me anxious and angry. I shake my head and sit down, sobbing heavily. "Tell me or I'll have to give you something to calm you down." Evelyn says. I cry in fear. She leaves the room for a few moments again. She has a syringe of some clearish-yellow fluid. I assume it's a sedative.
"No!!!!!!" I cry, trying to get away from Evelyn. "I'm not wanting to pressure you so much, but I need to know the details of the abuse and see the scars. This will make that easier on both of us. You have one last chance to tell me everything." Evelyn says. I shake my head again, pushing myself into the corner to escape Evelyn. I see her as basically my dad right now because she's threatening me. She approaches me carefully. I whimper and try to press myself into the corner. "Jackie, sweetie, calm down." Evelyn says. She sits beside me in the corner, trying to soothe me as I flash back to years of abuse that may have caused my bipolar. I shake myself out of the flash backs and see Evelyn teary-eyed. I lay against her and cry as I try to speak. "He hits me with that belt every time I have an attack of depression or if I take risks or if Olivia has a panic attack. If I cry he kicks me and punches me, Olivia has another panic attack because of that and you don't see these cuts and bruises on my face and arms because make up covers them up." I sob. "What about your mom?" she asks. "She's emotionally abusive, she makes fun of me and she isn't sympathetic to my disorder. She acts like she cares in front of you, but she calls me stupid and crazy and insane and mental and idiotic!" I cry. Evelyn shushes me softly. "I'm so sorry. I have to tell Meg."
"No!!!!!!" I cry. Evelyn looks torn. "I'm sorry." she says softly, trying to hug me. I push her away and get up to pace. "Jackie, I'm going to make you a deal. You have to tell her or I will. Okay?" Evelyn asks. I nod, crying. "Don't tell Olivia I told you, if she knows you know she'll probably have a panic attack and I don't want that for my sister. She........is......she's............more delicate......we're twins, but we're different, I'm tough, I've dealt with this for a while and it's not as horrible as her anxiety. Part of it is from the abusive situation, just.....please don't bring it up until I find a way to carefully hint at it until she's comfortable with you knowing and maybe she'll talk about it." I explain, almost begging. "I'm sorry, but I can't. I'm going to have Meg bring her in and I'm going to sit all three of you down and talk to you all." Evelyn says. I'm so mad, she lied to me!!
"You lied to me!" I cry softly. "No, sweetie, I said 'you tell her or I will.' I didn't specify when. You're telling her in about twenty minutes, Olivia will have to talk to me too, but it's going to work out." Evelyn says firmly. I shake my head, crying. "Then I will." she says, trying not to be swayed by her sympathetic nature. I can tell this is one of the hardest things about her job, she knows she has to tell people about this and I'm not making it easier, she wants to be sympathetic and give in, but she knows if something happens she could be sued and she just....has to, no matter if she wants to or not. "You know I'm very sympathetic, you know this is hard for me. I'm hurting for you, but I'm not.......I'm not going to back down.......I'm standing firm because.........this is what I have to do no matter if it ruins trust between me and a patient........this is what's best." Evelyn says, sounding very close to crying. I stand up and go to the door. Evelyn grabs my arm. I cry and hold the bandaged arm. She gasps and puts her hand on my shoulder. I shrug her off. "Don't walk away, I hate confrontation, I want us to get along, undivided, we both know this is serious.....don't pretend this isn't happening." Evelyn says, sitting on the couch, making me sit beside. Someone knocks on the door. Evelyn gets up and opens it. "It's time sweetie." she says, ushering Meg and Olivia in.
"Olivia, Meg, we need to speak to you.....this is a very serious, urgent matter we can't walk away from." Evelyn says, controlling her voice carefully. Wendy pulls on Evelyn's pant leg. She looks down, trying to shake her off. I pick her up and walk her to the receptionist, who agrees to watch her for a while. I go in and see Olivia looking around, wondering why she's here. "Meg, Evelyn, I need a twin moment, please Evelyn, go to your office, Meg go deal with Wendy." I say. They do, clearly uncomfortable in this situation. I wait to hear the doors close. "Olivia, Evelyn knows what Mom and Dad do to us." I whisper. She falls onto the couch, terrified of what is going on. "She's said I have to tell Meg or she will, also she is going to make you talk about the abuse." I warn. Olivia is crying as I stand up and tell Evelyn to come in. "Does she know I know?" she mouths silently. I nod, my palms sweating. "Okay, I need to get your side of things, Olivia. We can do this with Jackie in here or not, you pick. I'm videotaping all of this so you don't speak to social services or the police, your parents will probably go to jail and you'll be placed with your aunt, she seems........like a good guardian." Evelyn explains. I start crying as Olivia begins to have an attack.
"Please don't make me." she whispers. "I.........know it hurts to relive all this, but.........you have to........I think it's easier to talk to your therapist then the police. Right?" Evelyn says. We both nod, tears on our cheeks. Evelyn sits between us. "The story first, or reporting to Meg?" she asks. "Meg." Olivia whispers. I nod and go get Meg. She sits down, bouncing Wendy on her knees. "Our Dad and Mom abuse us....physically and emotionally. Here are the scars from the belt with glass and thorns that he uses to beat us." I say, showing Meg and Evelyn the scars. "I always knew there was something off about them." Meg whispers, as pale as a sheet. "You're being placed in her custody until your parents are found guilty or not guilty, if they are found guilty Meg will be your guardian." Evelyn explains. Meg nods and excuses herself and Wendy. That was easier than I thought. "Now, for the hard part for Olivia." Evelyn says, looking carefully at my sister. She shakes her head, crying silently. "Olivia, Evelyn will make this as easy as possible, but.......you will have to relive the memories we've chosen to put aside, just.....do what she says and be honest and this won't be as hard. It's fine to be.......like this." I say, tears running down my face involuntarily. Olivia is falling deeper into her anxiety and emotions. "Tell me what you are abused with, why, and by who. That's all I need sweetie. I won't ask you to relive the horrible memories. This will all seem like a nightmare soon." Evelyn says.

And cliff hanger!!!!!