Mirrors

Chapter Thirty One

***Trigger Warning - There are scenes in the following chapter that deal with self harm and may be triggering for some.***

She heard the door to her flat shut as she turned on the water.  She stepped in and let the heat beat down on her before she plugged up the drain and sat down. Allowing the water to continue to beat down on her, she picked up the cheap plastic razor and began to break it open until the three tiny razors were set free. She took a deep breath as she slipped the thin layers of metal between her fingers.

When she had realized that the cuts on her feet or her hand from her mirror hadn't really caused her too much pain, she found a new outlet for everything she had kept inside.  Every time she cried or felt herself begin to breakdown, she felt so stupid for feeling that way that she felt she needed to give herself a reason to cry; a reason to be in pain.  It also somehow became therapeutic for her.  The process of removing her clothing, getting into the shower, sitting down and having to concentrate on the marks she made, always calmed her down and eased her crying but it was the small cuts that strangely eased her mind and lifted this huge weight off of her shoulders, however momentarily.

As she held the tiny blades in front of her eyes, focusing on them, she could hear tiny thuds from Benny knocking on her door again.  She couldn't make out anything he was saying, if he said anything at all.  She closed her eyes for a moment to send the tears down her cheeks.  She opened them again before taking a deep breath, sitting up, holding out her arm and slowly she began making small cuts.  She let out her breath as she continued along her arm.  Some cuts were small, others a little longer and deeper.  She proceeded to bring the blades to her shoulders and back when her arm got too red.

The dress she had been wearing had been three quarter sleeves, so with the darkness her brother and Niall hadn't noticed anything that would have been visible.  Thank god.  She knew she'd be on her way to the fucking psych ward if they had.  She knew what she was doing was unhealthy, but she did it anyway.  It was the only way she knew how to cope; the only relief from her mind that she got. And for the little bit of time that it lasted, she felt like a brand new person.

After awhile, the water began to run cold, so Edie slowly stood up and got out of the shower, hiding her razors behind her shampoo bottle.  She tiptoed around the glass on her floor and got dressed.  She threw on her pajamas, a long sleeved version before she took a deep breath, hardened up, and walked out into her living area where Benny would no doubt be.

"Edie?"

"Don't talk to me, Benny.  I'm so unimaginably pissed at you right now," she said as she went into her kitchen to get something to eat.  She hadn't eaten anything real in days and she was suddenly famished.

"Yeah, well, I'm pretty fucking pissed at you right now, too, young lady."

She scoffed at him calling her that.  "Benny," she said slamming the refrigerator door shut, "I can understand you being pissed but you had no right to bring him here."

"Who? Niall?"

"Yes.  Niall.  Duh." She walked back into her living room where he was standing waiting for her. "I kept him away from here for a reason."

"Edie, you can't keep people at bay forever.  Especially the ones that care about you."

"I already told you he doesn't give a shit about me," she snapped at him.

"You and I both know that's not true."  Benny looked at her.  She suddenly felt self conscious, like he knew her secrets.  "He said to tell you he was keeping his promise.  Something about doing something for you that you had asked him to do."

"Yeah, right, sure he is," she mumbled as she went back into the kitchen to heat her food.

"What's he talking about?" Benny asked, following her, flipping on the light switch as he entered the kitchen.

Edie just stood there, with her back to him, thankful the bleeding on her arm and back had ceased and her hair could cover anything her shirt didn't.  She stuck her food into the microwave, pressing a few buttons before the sound of it heating her food filled the room.

"Edie?"

"Nothing, Ben.  He's not talking about anything because he's not doing anything for me other than getting in my way and telling on me like a fucking tattle tale."

"He's only worried about you.  He thought you were helping me with something.  He was genuinely excited to think he would see you tomorrow.  That man gives a shit whether you like it or not.  Whether you want him to or not.  And, I think you do care.  I think you care a lot about whether or not he cares."

Edie slammed her fist down onto the countertop, "Benny, please, shut up.  You don't know anything about this."

"I know I don't.  You don't fucking talk to me.  You did, and I should've known something was up because you have been even more distant in the last month than you have since this whole ordeal began."

"You act like this is your burden to bear."

"It is and it isn't.  I can't begin to understand what's going on in that head of yours but you are my sister and I love you.  And I want you to be happy and I want you to feel safe.  And I know a month ago you were closer to that than any other moment in the last seven months and I know he's at least one reason for it."

"Shut up!" Edie slammed the microwave door shut and tried to get past her brother but he wouldn't let her.  "Why do you even care?  You don't fucking like him!"

"Hey!  That's not fair.  I made a mistake and I've apologized to you and to him.  I see what his friendship has done for you and meant to you and you're blowing it away because something inside that brain of yours is telling you to."

"Please let me by," Edie said, softly.  She was tired of fighting.  She could feel herself beginning to break again and she needed to calm herself down before she once again took a razor to her skin. 

Benny looked at her for a moment, silently, before stepping aside.  She quickly walked past him, through her bedroom door, shutting it and locking it before he could see just how much she did care.