The Diary of a plain Jane

In summertime things don't always look brighter..

By the end of 7th grade things didn't work out any better. Not that it was worse either but things never turned as good as I hoped they would... I had a really good friend at the time but that summer she was going to move so far away that we could rarely even see each other. Apart from that my grandmother also passed away a couple of months before. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. She was like my second mother. I was at her house so much that it still feels empty today. She died of cancer at the age of 61 years old. I was so angry at the world. And all that lead to another thing.. Cutting.

(Please this can be triggering. So please be careful and I know it's hard but please stop for me.)

I was slightly depressed before my grandmother died. She was one of the rocks that held me in place and when she couldn't I lost it. I got more and more sad and better and better at hiding it.  My teatcher talked with me a lot after her death but after a while I got her to belive that I was alright again. I had the perfect fake smile to match with all of my lies. I don't regret it today and I can't figure out if it's a good thing or not. I feel like cutting is something I should forget about.. I've been clean a couple of times before falling back in. I went up to six months at one point but again everything failed. At the moment I'm having another attempt to stop. Today it's been two months since the last time and I feel good. It's one of my dark chapters. 

(Everything is over now. But please tell someone. I can't say I was good at that but when I did it helped.)

The summer break helped me a bit. I got to forget about school and a lot of the people there. I wasn't that sad during the summer. I was happy when as long as nobody mentions cancer, death or my grandmother. (I'm even crying now by writing this). But still the summer was good. But everything good don't last forever.

8th grade began and I was again a lost puppy. I couldn't help but sit and stare at the wind. I was still sad, cutting and everything felt shitty again. My best friend at the time was gone and I had no one. But by the blink of an eye everything changed. I found my girls. In here they will be named Louise, Juliet and Brandy. For awhile everything was amazing. I was still cutting but way less than before. I was happy.

After Christmas my happiness faded out more and more. Brandy sort of left the group and then we were 3. Brandy had way less in common with the rest of us. At least not much with Louise and I. After  awhile Juliet chose to leave as well. We still talked all of us but it was never the same. Juliet, Louise and I are still close. Louise and I are a lot closer because we stuck with each other. She taught me how to not always be the perfect good girl. She taught me to live a little. And I'm forever thankfull. 

Julliet and Louise are my girls. They helped me out of my old depressed self and into a new world. I still have my ups and downs but I'm happy. Most of the time. But it's not all them..