A School Life with Day6

7

I didn't notice that I was up all night until I see a sliver of sunlight pour into my room. I feel extremely tired, and my eyes are stinging. I drop my phone and drape the covers over my head. It's nice and quiet, but before I finally decide to close my eyes, I hear my phone ringing. I sit up and look at the clock. It's only 7AM, why would anyone be calling me right now?
I pick up my phone and see an unknown number. I groan and toss my phone across the bed before laying back down. Finally, the phone beeps for a message.
"Hi! I'm not sure if I got the right number, but please pick up."
That's May's voice. What a great wake up call. Literally.
There's a moment of silence before May ends the message. I don't bother to reply.
I stare at the ceiling, my thoughts empty yet rapid at the same time. Last night plays in my head again, like it did all night. The way it felt to have Young K's lips against mine, the feeling in my stomach when I was lying on his bed, it all feels surreal to even think about.
My heart beats faster from the thought of it, and I feel my cheeks warm up. Though it felt amazing, I still feel as if we did something wrong. Maybe because we're better off as friends and took it too far. Maybe it's because I've hopelessly fallen for Jae and can't get rid of my feelings for him no matter who I'm with.
I take a moment to ponder on these thoughts. Maybe I've been chasing the wrong boy this whole time. Maybe the boy I should be with has been in front of me this whole time, but I just haven't noticed. Maybe I refused to notice because I could only see us as friends at the time. Maybe I refused to notice because all I want is Jae. This could be the way to get over Jae, to be happy and in love with someone who feels the same way.
    But Jae...
Ugh, forget this. I can't let my thoughts get overwhelming again. I'm going to sleep before I do something stupid.

~ ~ ~

I wake up at around 3PM, and my whole body feels sluggish. I feel like I was run over by a train. I struggle to get up, to find any motivation or energy to even do anything. I think about all the assignments I've been procrastinating on so I can get to work, but that never helps. I lay there, feeling suffocated, but before I can wallow in my self pity, I finally force myself to get up.
Once I stand up, my head feels dizzy and I almost faint. I brush it aside and walk over to my desk.
I have papers here that haven't been touched in days from various classes, and even looking at them gives me stress. I pick up a pencil that was lying on the desk and start to write.
My hand feels weak, and I start to shake. I didn't realize that I've been trying not to cry, holding my breath and tensing up. I sigh heavily, my breath shaky.
I don't know what has gotten into me, but I just let my tears flow. Tears cascade down my cheek and drop onto the paper, but I couldn't care less about that.
    I lay my head down and continue to sob. I didn't know I was holding so many things in.
I feel like I'm a huge disappointment to my parents because of school. I haven't been trying my best because it's been hard for me to find motivation or even a will to do things. I try to explain to them, but they never listen. No one ever listens to me. I feel utterly alone, abandoned by my own family. I'm a disappointment to myself too. I'm mad at myself. This is all my fault. It's my fault that I'm not doing well in my studies. It's my fault that I'm alone. Everything is my fault.
I choke on my tears and struggle to breathe. I quickly get up and pace my room. I feel like I have no control of my body right now, and I'm scared. Scared of myself and what I might do.
My thoughts stop spiraling when I see my phone light up on my bed.
    Wiping the tears off my face and catching my breath, I head over to grab it. I have seven unread messages from Wonpil and three from Young K.
-10:46-
OrangePeel🍊: Hey, are you ready for the park or did you forget?
OrangePeel🍊: I won't be able to pick you up but we can meet at the park :)
-12:07-
OrangePeel🍊: Why aren't you here
Orange Peel🍊: Are you okay?
-1:32-
OrangePeel🍊: You're worrying me, please answer
-2:10-
OrangePeel🍊: Is it okay if I drop by?
OrangePeel🍊: Younghyun is worried sick right now
I completely forgot about the trip to the park, but I'm partly glad that I didn't go. I send him a message back.
- - - - : Sorry Pil, I think I need some time alone
    I open up the messages from Young K.
-2:05-
BurgerKang🍔 : Hey are you doing alright?
BurgerKang🍔 : We should talk about what happened between us
BurgerKang🍔 : Please respond, I need to know if you're okay
    I let out a sigh and text back.
- - - - : I'm fine
A notification pops up. Wonpil replied.
OrangePeel🍊: You didn't send the Orenji text so I know you don't feel good. I'm coming over whether you like it or not. Love you >:(
That manages to put a small smile on my face. I lay back down on my comfy mattress and shut my eyes.
I feel exhausted and icky. I look at the clock in my room that reads 3:04. Wonpil will be here in a few minutes, so I decide to scroll through social media until then.
The first post I see is from Jae's account. He posted about their trip to the park, and there are various photos of him and May together. I continue to scroll, and there's a video too.
Based on the sound of his laugh, I can tell that Dowoon is behind the camera recording. Jae is chasing May around, and I can hear their laughter from where Dowoon stands. When Jae finally catches May, he hugs her from behind. I had to replay the video a few times to really come to terms with what happened after that. Jae kisses May on the cheek, and May calls out his name with a laugh before she escapes his grasp. After finally processing what I just watched, I decide that that's enough internet for today.  I try to sleep instead, but my heart is aching too much.
    A ding rings throughout the house, and I jump to my feet. I hurry towards the door and hug Wonpil tight as soon as I open it.
"You're hugging me... too tight," Wonpil exaggerates.
I laugh and let him go. I didn't notice that Young K was behind him. We stare at each other awkwardly, clearly an elephant in the room, but Wonpil leads the way inside.
    We follow him to my room, and Young K shuts the door. I sit on my bed with Wonpil while Young K sits at my desk. He notices the papers on my desk, the dried up tear drops on some of them, but doesn't press on about it. He looks at me with understanding and comfort in his eyes before turning to Wonpil to let him speak.
    "Are you okay?" Wonpil asks.
    "I'm fine," I reply, straining to make myself smile. He looks at me with a blank expression, and I can tell he doesn't believe me at all.
    "Are you okay?" Wonpil asks again.
    I let out a sigh before replying.
    "What do you think, Pil?" I respond, my voice breaking as I hold back my tears.
    The room is silent. Wonpil and Young K glance at each other for a moment then back at me. I bite my tongue, trying not to cry, but as I breathe in, my breath staggers.
    Wonpil scoots closer to me and pulls me in for a hug. I finally let go, clinging onto him and silently sobbing in his arms.
    "It's just been... so hard lately," I manage to say between sobs. "Wonpil... I'm scared."
    "Of what?" Wonpil asks as he rubs my back.
    "I don't know..." I pause for a second to think. "... myself."
    The silence comes back, and I can hear Wonpil's heartbeat. It's enough to calm me down a little.
    I hear Younghyun opening my drawers, so I tilt my head up to see what he's doing.
    He's taking out objects from the drawers. My scissors, pencil sharpeners, and even broken cables that I kept are on my desk. He stops before grabbing something, and my heart pauses for a moment.
    "What are these?" Younghyun asks as he holds out one of the packets of silica gels that I stored a long time ago. I feel Wonpil's arms around me tighten.
    "Younghyun, please-"
    He grabs the rest of the packets and dumps them on the table.
    "What were you going to do with all of these?" he asks and points at the pile on my desk.
    I part my lips but nothing escapes my mouth.
I watch as Younghyun grabs the packets and drops them into the trash bin. Once every packet is in, he ties the plastic bag shut. He picks the bag up and marches out of the room, leaving me and Wonpil alone.
"I-"
"Wonpil, I stored those ages ago. I've changed my mind since then, I promise," I blurt out before he can speak.
"That's what you told me before," Wonpil replies, a hint of anger in his voice.
    "Pil... I'm serious. I would never. Never again."
We sit there in silence, the only sound being my sniffles and staggered breaths.
"Please," Wonpil whispers, breaking the silence again. "I don't want to lose you."
"That's why I'll never do it again, Pil. I love you too much to do that to you."
"I love you too.... Please... don't ever forget about that."
    My breath starts to stabilize as I sink further into his arms. We stay there for a bit until I hear Younghyun come back. I slowly pull away from Wonpil and look up to his eyes. There are tear streaks down his cheeks, and his eyes are slightly red from crying. The sight of it makes my heart ache, and I grab Wonpil's hand.
    "I promise Pil."
    Wonpil stares at me then nods. I let go of his hand and turn to face Younghyun who is sitting at my desk again. He looks at the ground for a moment before diverting his eyes to Wonpil.
    "Wonpil, do you mind if we have this conversation in private?" he asks. Wonpil looks back and forth between us then hesitantly gets up to leave.
    Once the door shuts behind Wonpil, the room is filled with deathly silence. I can tell that neither of us want to start up the conversation, feeling too awkward to even make a slight move. Finally, Younghyun speaks up.
"I'm sorry... about what happened last night. I shouldn't have done that to you, I'm really sorry. I just-"
"Younghyun, it's fine. Really, it is."
We look at each other for a moment, silence coming back.
"Well... what are are we now?" I ask hesitantly.
"It's up to you. Do you really want this?"
My brain suddenly gets filled with memories throughout the years, flashing by one after another. The first time I met Younghyun, the time I bumped into Jae a few moments later, when I told Wonpil about these two cute guys I met, the time Jae and I both stayed after school and watched the sunset together from the bleachers at the football field, the moment I knew I had feelings for him, the time Younghyun and I did karaoke at a party together, the moment I fell in love with his voice, everything leading up to last night, to where we are right now... everything comes flooding back to me. The times I've spent with him and the times I've spent with Jae... Both friendships that I value so much...
    Do I really want this?
    "I..."
    Maybe Younghyun is the one for me.
    "... think..."
   But what if this fails and I mess everything up? My chances with Jae, my friendship with Young K...
    "Take your time," Younghyun says.
    But I can't have Jae. I know I can't.
    "Younghyun..."
    What do I want? Who do I want?
    "... it's hard to say, really."
    But I know, deep down, the answer to those questions.
    "Maybe we should just wait," Younghyun suggests.
    And I don't like my odds with that answer.
    "We can take thing slow," I say. Younghyun looks at me, his eyes wide in shock.
    "D-do you... you want this to happen? Between us?"
    "It's worth a shot. We never know."
    Younghyun stands up, and I also hop on my feet. His smile is bright and beautiful, and I can feel my heart doing flips. He wraps his arms around me, my head resting against his chest. I can hear his heartbeat going fast.
    We pull away, and the door busts open.
    "WHAT..."
    Wonpil stands there in complete shock. He stands frozen after exclaiming.
    "Pil, are you-"
    "I was listening... the whole time... and..." his voice grows softer. "You guys are dating?"
    "Um, ye-"
    "MY FRIENDS ARE DATING!" Wonpil yells.
    He starts jumping around and hugs us both. I laugh at his reaction, and we huddle up into a group hug. I feel much better now, as if a weight just got lifted off my shoulders.
    Wonpil lets us go, and he checks the time.
    "I would love to stay, but I have to go back home and do some work," Wonpil says.
    "What about you?" I turn to ask Younghyun.
"Wonpil's my driver, so if he has to go, so do I," he replies. He pouts and I can't help but chuckle.
We walk out of the room to the door, and I hug both of them before waving goodbye. I watch as they drive off, unaware of the natural smile that's on my face.

~ ~ ~

    I was dancing around my living room when the doorbell rang. I run to the door and look through the peephole to see who's there. I gasp loudly and take a step back.
    I rush to my room, hastily changing out of my pajamas into clothes I randomly picked out. I slip into my jeans and pull the hoodie over my head.
    I run back to the door and open it as calmly as I can. Jae smiles at me once he sees me, and I can feel butterflies in my stomach.
    "Hey, sorry to come uninvited, I just wanted to check up on you."
    "It's okay! Please, come in," I reply, awkwardly signaling for him to step inside. It's not like this is the first time he has ever visited me. He has been to my house before plenty of times for school projects or just to hang out after we went out somewhere. But still, I can never get used to it.
    I close the door once he enters, holding my breath as I turn around to face him. He takes a seat on the couch and looks back at me, waiting for me to sit next to him. I waddle over, making Jae laugh, and sit down. My cheeks are warm to the touch, but hopefully it's not noticeable.
    "All right, my little penguin, why didn't you show up today?" he asks. The name makes me smile and blush uncontrollably.
"I just overslept, that's all."
Jae looks at me quizzically.
"Are you sure?" he asks. I nod with a small smile to reassure him. He turns to fully face me, his eyes seeming to twinkle as he looks at me before continuing. "Listen, I want you to be honest with me. You know I'm always here for you, right? I really, really care about you, and seeing you hurt..."
My heart races as I feel him touch my hand. I look down and lace our fingers together. I expect him to pull away, but he closes his hand around mine. I look back into his eyes, my heart feeling like I just ran a marathon.
"Jae..."
My eyes slowly drift down to his lips. My heart beats faster thinking about the possibility, but I know I shouldn't.
"Tell me what's wrong, please," Jae says, breaking me out of my trance.
"I've just been really stressed about school..." I answer. Though that statement is true, it's not the full truth. Something about this moment, the protection and comfort I feel just from holding Jae's hand, makes me want to open up more. "And... I haven't been feeling great. About myself. I just feel like... I'm nothing, you know? No matter how hard I try, I'll never mean anything to anyone."
Both of us stay silent for a moment, the music coming from the television being the only sound.
"I'm sorry Jae. To put you through this. You shouldn't care about me, really," I say, fighting back tears yet again.
Jae moves closer and wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me towards him. I lean against him as he gently strokes my hair. His grip on my hand slightly tightens, and tears start slowly streaming down my cheeks.
"First of all, I know school can get tough, but you're one of the smartest, hard working people I've ever met. You've managed to make it this far, and I'm very proud of you for doing so. If you need a break, take one. Your mental health is really, really, really important. I don't want... past occurrences to happen to you again... so please don't be hard on yourself, if not for your sake, for mine...
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You're absolutely amazing! Everything about you is just... great... you're, like-"
He pauses for a second before continuing.
"... someone's-... most people's dream girl! ... and I'm... being serious when I say that."
My heart stops for a second when I hear that. I sit up and look at him. His eyes look like they're staring at my lips, causing me to blush.
"T-thanks... Jae..." I utter out, the only words I can say at the moment. His eyes flick back up to mine, and I feel his hand pull away from mine. I let go, feeling a bit sad.
"I have to go," Jae says urgently as he gets up. I follow him to the door, feeling weird about everything that just happened.
I get pulled into a hug, and I wrap my arms around him tightly. I never want to let go, but of course I'm going to have to at some point. We stay there for a while, longer than I expected, before finally letting go. Jae rubs the tears off of my cheeks with his thumbs, cupping my face. He can definitely feel how warm they are now, but he doesn't make a comment about it. He lowers his hands, putting them in his pockets.
"I... You know I care about you, right?" Jae asks. I nod in response. "Good... Please take care of yourself."
He gives me one last hug before going to his car. I wave and smile at him as he leaves.
While closing the door, I let out a long sigh. I turn the television off, making the living room fall into darkness. I mindlessly walk to my bedroom to change back into my pajamas.
Laying down on my bed, I start thinking like I always do. A lot happened, but I'm far too drained and overwhelmed to even think right now. I lay on my side, staring at the empty space next to me. I slowly drift to sleep, unable to chose who I want to fill in that space.