So ,it all started when I was in high school being a transferee student back then I'll try coping up with the new environment most especially this school is located around Manila. Weeks passed that I have build some and a few friends to be called. English time noon na katabi ko yung isang guy classmate ko in front and I asked his mobile number during our break time not because type ko siya,I just need to build a confidence in knowing and making the first steps to know them. But then again, 1 month na yun we became text mates and chat mates,I enjoy talking to him. And then hanggang sa mafall ako sakaniya. Kumalat yung tsismis about me having a crush on him,teasing started hanggang sa he just asked me sa text na kung kami na? And then I said yes,1 month after we became close. I know na minahal ko siya in just a little time even his family and I could feel the same way sa kaniya. There's one time na inamin niya sakin na may nangyari na sakanila ng ex niya na nakilala niya sa online games,and of course I was shocked kasi same age lang kami and then yung ex niya is nasa 20's . I never thought kasi I was born far from the reality of life, I mean all I knew back then is to study and have friends nung wala pa ako sa Manila. But then, I accepted it but with too much trust and love in just a 2-3 months. I gave it,knowing that forever exist no matter what,back then. So months passed so fast that we share a lot of things together. Doing that "thing" almost everyday with him. But he confessed something that,it is not true. What I have heard about him and his ex is not true,doing that thing is just his "own-made-story-to-tell" his reason was I might have heard that "story" sa mga kabarkada niya (you know guys how they share stories diba? Minsan kahit di totoo may maipagmalaki lang? Right) I never talked to him since that day. Pero I'm just a girl who happened to love this guy! Then we decided to settle things ulit,to clear things out. We were okay and celebrated those months we were together in Highschool,kahit na close siya sa girls kasi nga lapitin,he avoided those things that can hurt me kasi selosa ako sobra.Even sa fb naka unfriend lahat, to be fair I also unfriended guys from my list. We graduated High school and my mom decided to have my college sa Ibang part ng Manila I was too mad back then kasi I never thought na I will spend my college sa Ibang part ng Manila because it happened that I already made some plans sana. But because that was a parent decision,we let it. Hanggang sa naging LDR kami, okay naman yung ilang months namin. He visited our house most especially during my first birthday here. Hanggang sa naging busy na at iba na yung environment with peers and girls sa college life (you know that. Diba?) Hanggang sa second term ng 1st yr college, we fight in calls,text and chats selosa kasi ako. But theres one time binisita niya ko sa school I was mad,sinuyo niya ako. Actually, I just need to see him,talk to him sa personal okay na ako. We talked. Pero umabot ng 2nd year hindi niya siya madalas bumisita,schedule problems sa college kahit ako. Dumating yung point na I found another facebook na sakniya nakapangalan, nakita ko lang yun when I tried to use my brothers account. Kasi kapag yung akin at Kay guy yung gagamitin ko nakablocked. So I ask him out kung kanino,well it's obvious na kaniya kasi name and Infos niya yun,puro babae nga lang. Chiks here and here. But he denied it,sabi niya friend na guy niya yung gumagamit,kinulit ko siya na umamin,na we could just talked about it basta sabihin niya lang. Pero wala pa din hanggang sa naniwala na kang ako. I visited him sa school nila just to see him makapagusap personally. Every time na pupunta ako we planned to do "it" I'm willing kasi mahal ko nga,I'm afraid I might lose him. But then, summer came that he broke up with me sa text,3 messages yun. Kasi nagiging clingy na ako sakaniya,I'm possessive, I love him so damn much,minsan or hindi lang minsan napagbabawalan ko siya. Siya naman hindi na nagpapaalam sakin. So he broke up with me the reason was nasasakal na siya,sobrang sakit. I tried to reach him out I tried waiting until 5-6 a.m Baka ioopen niya yung phone niya,pero I failed. So I tried calling his dad,trying to cheer me up. Months passed,wala na talaga. I became his stalker sa fb niya he then unblocked me sa sinasabi niyang fb name niya pero friend niya gumagamit,he's using it and slightly inactive-leave the first account na alam ko yung password nung kami pa. I tried chatting him na please,bumalik na siya I could kneel down basta bumalik siya,I said. Hanggang sa naging routine ko na yun. I just cried every night,kahit sumasagot siya minsan kasi it's the opposite thing or words na gusto ko sana mabasa mula sakaniya. Marami na siyang naging friends na babae through school and fb. And I just found myself crying and sending him messages begging to be back. Then it came na naging busy ako during my second term na sa college,pero naging routine ko talaga yung pag message sakniya :( minsan din nagsesend siya ng message sakin. During the term break, I tried having a shoot just to have an extra activity then I posted the pictures, he then send me a message saying that kahit anong gawin ko sa sarili ko hindi na siya babalik,pachiks daw ako. Then I got a news na pumasok siya sa modeling agency na papasukan namin ng friend ko sana,nalaman niya yun because of my pictures from that official photog sa agency na yun. Hinayaan na lang namin. He then build that "name" sa fb,additional new girl chiks friends. He became too sossy type then nagkaroon kami ng communication ng mom niya through phone and fb tsaka lang na laman ng mom niya na wala na kami. Hanngang sa nagka kausap kami uli ng ex ko sa fb and we meet personally,and same habit ginagawa pa din namin yun kahit wala na kami,mahal ko pa din kaya ako pumapayag. Dumating yung summer for the last term ng second year sa college, his mom invited me sa isang event sa bahay nila, I became the god mother of his ate's baby. Siya yung sumundo sakin from here to there,we also did it again in my whole willingness kasi nga mahal ko! We have that free time during the event to talked about me what happened for the past long months na wala na kami,I just tell it all. I go home like a sick drunk girl,I learned to waste myself by drinking though I have my allergies. Just to forget how painful it is up until now,kahit saglit lang makalimutan ko yung sakit. He then said na hindi niya pa kaya to take the risk again,na maging kami kasi he is enjoying na walang nagbabawal and he don't like my attitude na mahigpit ako even around his friends. I hold on to that,pero hindi mo maAalis yung fact na madami na nagbago,puro girls here and here friends lang daw ganun. He's explaining every time I asked. Na wala naman. I'm still that jealous kahit wala akong karapatan kasi hindi na kami. During summer din nun, I got a delayed menstruation and I'm really having some changes, I chatted him about my condition and then he said na mag take ako ng pt,then after that I send the result by a photo message sa fb,hindi siya na makapaniwala kasi though he used that withdrawal and protection,sabi niya ipalaglag ko daw pero ako syempre Ayoko cause I'm willing to mother our baby sana,he everyday remind me to take bitter foods para daw mailabas ko yun,actually thatw as the second time it happened, then hindi ko yun sinunod. Sobrang stress ko nun kahit nasa vacation ako from college class,because I could even see his post na he seems to be okay and happy going out and having fun with girl and guy friends. Then there's a girl na gumamit ng fb niya by posting some words sa wall ni ex, that time naguusap kami ng ex ko about my condition and some updates of did I take his ways para malaglag? Or what and some stuff. I was mad kasi alam ko na the girl was reading the message or maybe ginagamit niya,kaya sobrang tagal ni ex mag reply,I need to comfort myself but then I can't control it,kaya I said to my ex paki sabi sakniya ang landi landi niya (cause I have also seen a photo na this girl ay nasa isang bahay with my ex and 3 guys) so I message the girl and she said I don't have the right to say that to her cause I don't even know her,but the convo just last for a minute with me replying,of course. Then my ex said,tignan mo yang ginagawa mo wala ka pa ding pinagbago.But,the soon to be a baby sana nawala sakin just because I'am stress,he/she didn't make it (I took care of myself that time,kahit mom ko walang alam about sa nangyari sakin nung day na yan) I send the new PT result a week after na negative na. He just said na,Baka nagkamali lang ako nung first test. Damn! Hindi ko na Sinabi sakaniya yung totoo,for what?a month after we then build again a communication sa text and chat we even call each other "baby", I cared, we cared to each other (TANGA NOH!!) Sabi ko, ano ba tayo? He just said na hayaan mo lang na ganito muna tayo. I just go with it. Hanggang sa nawala nanaman yun. Hanggang ngayon, I'm still begging :( na sana mahalin niya ko uli. Ngayon kahit na I seen niya lang, kahit na tipid siya mag reply kahit papano okay nako,kahit ramdam ko na wala na eh. To make this short kahit pano,last night. I asked him na kung Meron na ba? He said wala. I asked again, then ayun inamin niya na and I really broke down,I cried silently cause it was night and my mom might hear me out. May nililigawan na siya,I asked him kung mahal niya si girl from a province na nakilala niya sa fb then he then said "medyo,nagmomove on pa kasi yung tao. Wag mo na lang sabihin Kay mama kasi magagalit yun" ( cause his mom want us back,akala ng mom niya wala pero Meron. Umaasa din sa maling kwento) he even said na,"I want you to be the last,pero kailangan ko sumubok sa iba,alam ko namang hindi tatagal to" something like that then I said, "kung yung hindi ako maggf hindi mo natupad,Ayan pa kaya? Maraming pwedeng magbago eh,mamahalin mo din siya ng sobra" .... And the rest convo is a history.... :((((( but I could feel na seryoso siya :(((((
Sobrang sakit na,pero Bakit ayokong bumitaw? Kasi mahal ko ng sobra,I know some will say na ang landi ko,aral muna or what.. Pero masisisi mo ba ko,that it just happened that I love this guy up until my own destruction. You could judge me all the way,I'm willing to accept every words.
You know what I still want to be your girl, the one that will take care of you like the old days whenever you feel something bad, I still want to be the one who could cheer you whenever you have your game. Pero paano? Kung ayaw mo na talaga?
Up until now,I'm still begging :( .. But he seems too serious doon sa girl na nakilala niya here sa facebook,yung girl medyo kilala siya sa facebook and she's from a province(??) I just really fell deep in love with you,na I chose to close my doors sa Ibang guy. I'm not interested in loving someone lalo na kapag hindi Ikaw yun. Tanga no,hinigop ko na kasi lahat ng katangahan sa mundo.
Remember the time, na Sinabi ko I'm willing to be your FUBU para lang magkaroon tayo ng closure na Baka sakali mahalin mo ko uli kahit mag simula tayo sa ganyang way? :( what it breaks me more yung pumayag ka kahit na wiling ako,kahit na wala ng matititira sa sarili ko :(( remember those time na,binibisita Kita dyan sainyo though I have my own activities sa school kasi minsan organizer ako I spent it with you :( kahit na nagagalit ka kasi Meron ka ngang gagawin,oo dati inisip ko lang na gusto ko akin Lang yung mundo mo. I'm loaded with jealousy sa mga malalalapit sayo :( without my knowing :(
Dumating yung sembreak na akala ko,kaya ko ng humanap na parang wala lang pero hindi bumiigay ako, akal ko simpleng binyag lang ng inaanak natin kasi yun lang naman dapat diba? Pero ano? May nangyari nanaman :( kasi sobrang mahal kita, na hindi na dapat ginagawa simula pa lang nung una pero wala eh tanga ako. Tinatanong Kita kung mahal mo pa ako, sumagot ka ng oo :( pero kapag minsan at ngayon sabi mo "hindi ko na alam" o kaya "hindi pa ako handang bumalik" sobrang higpit ko ba noon na hanggang ngayon sobrang sakit pa din sa part ko? Kaya ka bumitaw diba? :'( Hindi ko na alam saan ako lulugar,ngayong nakita ko na yung conversation niyong dalawa ng sinasabi mong girl sa twitter ko pa Bakit :( Buti pa siya alam kung nakauwi kana ba, Buti pa siya Meron ng atensyon mo kahit busy siya, Buti pa siya nagaalala ka sakniya, Buti pa siya nagagawa mo siyang tawaging "baby" naalala mo ba nung time na nag sorry ako kasi nakatulog ako nung kausap Kita sa fb, sabi ko kinabukasan "sorry baby nakatulog ako" sabi mo "baby ka dyan" nakahiga ako nun alam ko wala akong karapatan eh pero masakit lang ng sobra. Ang gulo gulo na,saan na ba talaga ako lulugar :(((( sabi mo "hindi ka pa Handa" o kaya "hams okay na lumayo ka na lang" o kaya minsan "hid I ko na alam" Umaabot ako ng ilang messages ng anong Oras para makitang gap ng message mo na kahit maikli :( alam kong was ka sa ganong topic pero alam mo bang nagaantay ako ng hanggang 3a.m o kaya 4 a.m tapos May pasok ako ng 7:30 :(( hindi ko na magawang makapag focus sa pagaaral ko :'( Hindi ko na po alam :((((((( saan na ba talaga?
What will I do? Ano ba talaga? :((( ano na? :(((
Readers, hindi ko na lama Gagawin ko. Saan at paano na ako magsisiimul? Laging napupunta sa wala :((( back to zero uli ako sa sarili ko, ang Hirap sobrang Hirap kalabanin ng sarili ko :((((( Naguguluhan na po ako :((
P.S. Alam kong makikita mo to,Siguro?.. Pero sana ..
PPS. I never expected na kung kailan mahal na mahal na Kita,kung kailan I'm planning for the future (kahit na we were too young for "love" that time) tsaka ka bumitaw,I know I'm a walking jar of jealousy to your friends and girls. Masisisi mo ba ako na natatakot akong mawala ka? But it happened.
PPPS. I love you so much that I'm willing to give up all that I have. I love you so much that I'am willing to take the risk for the nth time. And I love you so damn much that being away from you and having your own girl with you,I'm willing to choose to die.
PPPPS. What I have done? Did I just hurt you from loving you too much that I took away your freedom?
PPPPS. Alam mo,in my entire life I tried changing myself para lang sayo. I dress well,I spent a thousand. Kasi you know what,ang sakit kasi nung you slightly pull my shirt dati when we were together pa talaga,and you said Dapat hindi ganun yung mga Suot ko Dapat katulad ng mga Ibang babae. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko makalimutan. I tried pero you never said "you're beautiful"... I never heard it from you :( Alam mo namana ko pasay anion diba? Just your simple sweet gestures,I never wanted any material things from you,just you.
PPPPPS. I love you so damn much that it kills me,the fact that I couldn't anything :(( just to stare and be a masochist.
I don't how to start :((( seeing you love this girl nanagmomove on pa lang :( it breaks me more than you know.
Yung mga friends ko sayang sawa na sa kwento ko :(( kaya kahit itong way man lang magshare ko :(
