It was late afternoon
When I ran out
Of things to do
Apart from the laundry
Which I was going
To do first thing
In the morning.
Even I was clean,
A shower got rid
Of the week old
Human grime and smell.
My blonde hair smelled
Of the girly shampoo
And conditioner Amanda
Bought me for
My last birthday.
Tired of my apartment,
I threw on a pair
Of jeans and a
Black Sabbath T-shirt,
And strolled to the
Park two blocks over.
In the fading sunlight,
I took a seat
On a bench facing
The street, watching
Workers hustle home.
I used to love
People watching.
"Can I have a seat?"
Amanda stood
A yard away,
Brown hair tumbling
Over tanned shoulders,
A small smile on her
Lips.
I looked back to
The street, "It's
Not mine to give."
I felt her sit
Beside me, her scent
A heady concoction
Of floral perfume
And musk.
"Tell me."
"Hmm," I grunted.
"Tell me what
Happened," she said
With a sigh.
"Nothing happened,"
I said too quickly.
"Fuck that, Jeanine.
I know you,
So what happened?"
"Like you would care."
"I'm here, aren't I?
I'm asking you,
Aren't I?"
"Hmm, where should
I start?" I began,
Bitterly. "A month
And a half ago,
My girlfriend left me.
Just up and left.
No word.
No rhyme.
No reason."
My eyes remained
On the street,
I didn't want her
To see the pain
In them.
"Then she wouldn't
Answer my calls or
Return my messages."
Amanda sat silently
Beside me.
"It fucked with me
So much that
Today I got
Suspended without pay.
I almost got fired."
"Jeanine," she
Rested her hand on
My wrist. "I'm sorry."
"Are you really?"
I looked across
At her. "You wanted
To talk earlier, so
Talk."
I pulled my hand away,
I knew it would hurt her
But I was hurting, too.
"Things changed,
I changed,
You changed and
Still our relationship
Remained the same.
It became stagnant,
Jeanine."
Amanda looked at me
With pleading eyes,
"I wanted to stay
But I didn't know
Why or what for."
"For me.
For us.
Isn't that enough?"
I hissed.
The street lights
Started to come on
And the stream
Of pedestrians
Slowed to a trickle.
She looked away,
"I want more
Than what we had.
I want to know
That we are going
Somewhere. That
In five, ten years,
Our lives would
Be different,
Better."
I didn't know
What to say.
I didn't know
How to give her
What she wanted,
So I got to
My feet and
Walked away.
"Where are you going?"
"Home."
"So you are just
Going to walk away?"
I stopped walking
And spun around
To look at the
One woman I ever
Really loved,
"You should talk.
God the hypocrisy."
"Look, Amanda,
It's obvious that
I'm not enough
And I sure as
Hell don't know
How to give you
What you want."
She got to her feet
And was in front of
Me in two strides.
"Did I ask you
To give my anything?"
I said nothing.
"Did I, Jeanine?
I'm not asking
You to give me
What I want,
I'm asking you
To work with me,
To develop a life
With me, to
Grow with me."
She touched my cheek
With the palm
Of her hand.
I began to crack
Under her touch.
I stepped back
A step, then two,
Then I turned away,
My back to her
And I walked away.
I still hurt.
"Think about it,
Jeanine. Think
About the life
We can have
Together,"
Amanda didn't follow me,
She let me go into
The cool night,
With her words,
Sinking deeper and
Deeper into my head.
