Some Day | Wolfstar

Eighty-five

"Sirius?"

Remus pushed the door to Regulus' room open. His heart stirred at the sight of Sirius curled up on the bed holding one of Regulus' destroyed notebooks, still clad in his dark funeral robes. Remus walked over to him and sat down.

"Sirius, wake up," he ran a hand through Sirius' hair. "Hey, Padfoot. Wake up."

Sirius made a soft hum and opened his eyes, "Go away, I want to sleep." He closed his eyes and went to turn around, but Remus stopped him. "You've got to eat something, Sirius."

"I don't care. Go away."

"No."

"Fuck you, Remus."

"You can be mad at me all you want, but you have to eat."

"I don't fucking want to."

"Starving yourself isn't going to bring him back, Sirius," Remus said softly. Sirius sighed and moved his head on to Remus' lap. "I know," he whispered. "Every time I close my eyes, I see his face, Remus."

Remus smoothed Sirius' hair back, feeling the heated skin of his pale forehead. He went to help Sirius sit up when there was a knock on the door. It was Kreacher.

"You," Sirius growled, standing up. Kreacher flinched when Sirius strode over to him. "What do you want?"

"Master Alphard sent for Master Black-"

"Don't call me that," Remus could practically taste the hatred in Sirius' voice. "I'm no Master Black of yours. There was one three days ago, but he's dead. Do you hear me? Dead, because you couldn't have led the Aurors here a second sooner. Because your false pride in the mighty House of Black and it's ridiculous secrets was greater than the urgency of us being attacked-"

"Sirius, stop it," Remus grabbed his arm. Sirius pulled it away, looking hurt. "So you're siding with it?" He asked, stepping away from Remus. "I'm not siding with anyone, Sirius. Please, you're not thinking straight," Remus said calmly. "Me? I'm the one not thinking straight, is it? Are you fucking blind? If this stupid thing just told them where we were, none of this would've happened! Look at how pathetic it looks, the disgusting-"

"Sirius, no," Remus grabbed him again, pinning his arms to his side as he struggled to get away. "Tell Alphard that Sirius will be with him soon. Just... leave, please. Go!" Kreacher disappeared in an instant. "Sirius, for Merlin's sake, stop this," Remus pleaded. Sirius finally managed to free himself, and shoved Remus back.

The look in Sirius' eyes hurt Remus a lot more than the harsh shove.

"Don't touch me," he said, daring Remus to defy him. Remus looked at him, lips pursed. Sirius' eyes had that same mad glint Remus had seen in Walburga's. It was scary how alike they were.

Sirius wanted to say more. Something like, I hate you, Remus. But the last grain of sensibility remaining in his mind stopped him from doing more. He threw the door open and left the room, not looking at James and Severus who had come out of their room to see what was going on. He forced his tears back, stashing them behind an indifferent stare as he entered the drawing room.

Alphard had replaced his funeral robes with more appealing clothes, and was standing by a window. "Sirius," he turned around. "How are you feeling, son?"

"Good," Sirius replied. He saw the other three come in, but didn't move to look at them. Alphard gave them a warm smile and turned back . "Your mother's trial has been concluded," he said gently. Sirius frowned. His heartbeat picked up, and he could feel his hands start to shake harder.

"Azkaban?" He asked, feeling sick. "No, not Azkaban. St. Mungo's." Alphard replied, watching him carefully.

Sirius gripped his robes as the room gave a little spin. He took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "St. Mungo's?"

"They have ruled her as insane," Alphard explained. Sirius nodded slowly. "Is she... really..."

"She's not in a very good state," Alphard admitted, sighing. "Her wand has been confiscated, but she's too unstable. They're sending her to confinement tomorrow. The new Minister wrote to me today, asking if we would like to see her one last time before she's... confined. Would you like to come with me?"

Sirius bit his lip, frowning. Would I like to see her? Why would I?

"You don't have to," Alphard said. "No. I... I think I want to," Sirius said. One last time. "We will leave tomorrow at eight in the morning. You can go now."

Sirius turned to leave the room. He had forgotten all about Remus and his friends. They followed him upstairs, no one speaking a word. Sirius stopped at Regulus' room, watching them enter the other bedroom.

"Remus," he called softly. Remus turned around to face him. Sirius looked at his feet, trying to find his words, and looked back up. Remus walked over to him. "Come on, we can't talk here, can we?" He took Sirius' hand and led him inside, closing the door behind them.

"I'm sorry," it was hard to look at Remus' eyes, but Sirius made himself do it. "I don't know... I don't know what's wrong with me, Remus," Sirius wished he didn't start crying like that as soon as Remus touched him.

"I'm so fucking sorry, I love you," he said into Remus' neck. "I know, it's okay," Remus kissed his hair. Sirius felt him smile against his hair, and it made his chest hurt a little bit less. "I love you," Remus moved him back to look at him properly.

"I hate crying," Sirius sighed, wiping his eyes. "It's all I ever do, isn't it?"

"Well," Remus kissed his forehead, "Depression is your aesthetic after all."

Sirius pulled back to let out a huff of laughter, but it faded away too soon. "I really am sorry, Remus."

"It's alright, love. Just forget it."

"I can't forget it. You don't deserve that. Not from me."

"You were upset, Sirius. I know you didn't mean it." Remus cupped Sirius' face in his hands. "It's not bothering me, just let it go."

Sirius leaned up to close the gap between them with their lips. It had been too long since he'd kissed Remus. He almost ached for it, in the middle of his chest just above his stomach.

In that moment, Sirius had two choices. There was Remus and there was himself. As if it was only in Remus' touch that Sirius could find comfort from the turbulence in his head.

And he'd given his thoughts long enough to eat him up.

So he let himself drown in it - in Remus, in the smell of peppermint oil that had found its way on to Remus' clothes again, the feel of his scarred hands under Sirius' own as they held his face, and that taste of his lips that Sirius couldn't describe - that taste he could only say was Remus.

Sometimes, everything was Remus, Remus, and Remus.

"Come with me tomorrow?" Sirius asked when they parted. Remus pressed their foreheads together. "Of course," he smiled, giving him another small kiss. "Can we sleep? I'm tired," Sirius moved to the other side of the bed and crawled under the blankets. Remus carefully placed Regulus' notebook -which was still on the bed from earlier- on the bedside table and lay down next to him.

Sirius slept fitfully, and Remus not much better, but that was fine. At least they had each other.

***

Author's Note

So much for writing a cute little Wolfstar fic lmao
How did we end up with this mess?